To think I’m not a nice person?

[He1h]

I CAN be nice but overall I don’t think I am. There are genuine sentiments I feels where I want to do the right thing or where I feel genuine empathy towards someone. Mainly family or close friends which I guess is normal.

But there’s so many things I hear about where I basically can’t understand how anyone could be bothered… examples…

Stepping on a snail or killing a spider in your home. I feel nothing, maybe a mild acknowledgment that it’s a bit cruel but a few seconds later I’m over it.

My friend’s family pet died when she was in her late twenties and she was devastated for around 3 weeks. I thought it was ridiculous (I didn’t say that obviously).

People getting bothered when they’re above the age of 18 and their birthday can’t be celebrated on that specific day.. who cares?!

Gender reveals… I literally could not give a fuck what gender your baby is, I do not want to have a ‘reveal’ because I am simply not interested.

When someone’s child is crying at a park of soft play because they want the toy my child has…I have zero compassion and just want said child to go away.

Whoever is about to cross the road and I could slow down and stop, I don’t, even if elderly. I simply don’t care.

If my toddler needs to use the disabled bathroom when we are out, and the baby changing is in there, I will actively rush past a wheelchair user on their way in (if I can manage it in a socially acceptable way). I don’t care that they may need it more than me/DD.

There’s lots more. I can be very kind and considerate but largely I think I’m mostly about myself/immediate family and couldn’t care less about anything else. I often think I will make up for this shitty behaviour later on in life. Then of course I don’t. How awful are these things? Am I just a bit shit?

I think I can relate to feeling like this, I wouldn’t push past someone disabled to use their toilet for my DDs but I do get frustrated with people in general and have little patience. However I am in the trenches with a newborn and a 2 year old getting no sleep and feeling really overwhelmed and undersupported and under resourced and it’s hard to look after others when your own basic needs aren’t being met.

I think it’s much easier to be kind when you have all your needs met and plenty of resources available to you as well as support network and are generally happy.

There is no perfect way to live life, anyone who pretends there is, is fooling themselves. We all have our ‘red lines’ and other than that, you’re on your own. We do have a thing called society or community, and that’s worth considering, but sometimes you do have to put yourself first, and it’s probably OK. Don’t be a sociopath, try your best, and generally you’ll do OK. Fair?

I've become a bit desensitised due to meds I am on for mental health. But id never deliberately kill a creature without feeling guilt (partly because I was brought up to respect nature) and yoi totally lost me at the part about barging past a wheelchair user, which is so inconsiderate and selfish. The rest of the stuff you mentioned doesn't really bother me.

Just so that you know, many people who need to use a disabled toilet have continence and urgency issues. You delaying them from being able to use the toilet in a timely manner could well result in those people soiling themselves while they wait.

A lot of being a good, decent person is in actions, it doesn't really matter what you feel. Allowing an elderly person time to cross the road without feeling hurried, giving way to others when it's safe to do so even if you don't have to, relocating a spider instead of squishing it are all choices you can choose to make, even if you feel nothing much.

Thank you for your compassionate kindness & empathetic enlightenments
God Bless You&Yours Gloriously Forevermore
💚🤗💚

Well, omg, the answer to your question imo you are an absolute bovine Can’t say c0w cis I’ll get. Banned

I’ve worked with people with disabilities, they are just human, just because they have a disability does not automatically mean they are nice people. There are some that play on their disability and use it to gain advantage in any given situation.

I remember one blind lady in particular who was disagreeable from when we first met and then became obnoxious and rude, I wouldn’t put up with it from a person without any disabilities so having a disability makes no impression on me. She thought she could play on my kindness and politeness and use it to her advantage, once she crossed my boundary I let her know in no uncertain terms I wouldn’t put up with her nonsense any longer. Then she turned the tears on and uttered words like ‘ don’t you know I’m blind…well the white stick and helping her in the vehicle made it pretty obvious to me she was blind.

Just recently I had to put someone in a vehicle in their wheelchair, by law I have to make sure that the wheelchair is strapped in securely, the wheelchair user managed to get herself up the ramps with the help of her friend. I had to manoeuvre the wheelchair in quite a cramped area, I have a bad back and I was hunched over trying into place the chair and strap her in , immediately her friend piped up

‘Don,t touch her’

WTF, I was making sure she was strapped in, I was not allowed to proceed until she was strapped in, I am fully enhanced DBS checked and have been since it was first introduced. There were four witnesses ( her friends) there to see what I was doing her friend just wanted to make herself more important that what she really is.

I don’t care for anyone’s disability. Its sad I know, but being a complete dick is not going to make life easier for them. I will go out of my way to help people, elderly ,infirm, disabled, kids but if they become an obnoxious, I’ll just walk away and leave them to their own devices.

I thought that

I've already posted but seeing your further comments ,I wanted to add that it's good that your acknowledging your behaviour. Also ignore posters saying you're showing sociopathic or psychopathic tendencies. They're being unnecessarily unkind. You are able to feel guilty , which a sociopath or psychopath would never feel.

I have no view on whether you're a nice person or not. That's a fairly subjective judgement and we only have your examples to judge you by.

I will, however, say that you are massively ENTITLED.

Why has it got worse as you've aged? I'd guess, propaganda. The prevailing narrative for women has shifted from subservience and empathy, to assertiveness and taking what you (think you) deserve.

I daresay you are slowly losing friends, assuming you even have any.

I have to agree with you on the crying child wanting the toy your kid has, nothing used to irritate me more than the entitled parent la who think they can guilt you into letting their kid play with something that doesn’t belong to them in the name of “sharing”. That’s not how life works and their kids are going to also grow up to be entitled. I got yelled at by a woman once because I didn’t make my kid share the empty plastic water bottle he was playing with at the park with water features. It wasn’t even a toy!

So immensely true 💚

….Entitlement

…entitlement

I’m thinking narcissist. Empathy isn’t felt “towards” someone, it is felt as it would if it was happening to you personally. As you describe it, being reserved only for close family and friends, it’s more likely the feeling you have is measured by how it impacts you - strangers have no impact. With narcissists it’s all about “me” - does it benefit or inconvenience me? You’ve practically admitted it yourself. Unfortunately you can’t change that but be aware you are at risk of a narcissistic meltdown if life starts to conspire against you - as inevitably it will - and that is not a pleasant experience for those around you because that’s when the blame game kicks in because of course it won’t be your own fault (in your view) it will be theirs.

Damn, and I thought I was a cold hearted bitch.

The wheelchair one is disgustingly vile.

I think the selfishness is a coping device. You've got only so much energy left and everything else can do one. The fact you want to change this speaks well of you and I think you should be applauded for noticing it and questioning yourself. We're all shaped by our environments and maybe you've developed a veneer of toughness from a difficult few years that has now got a bit too much. You've learned to dismiss or squash some of your empathic feelings to preserve yourself - you can work on that, good luck.

Bottom line is are you happy with who you are? If so are then carry on as you are, if there are things that you think needs changing then change those things, change because you want to not because society or other people expect you too.

I agree with others who think that you might be depressed. One of the signs of depression is numbed emotions and this can also show up as reduced empathy. Life becomes hard to cope with so you just get through the day as best you can. You also express self aversion which fits with depression. I don’t think you are a psychopath / sociopath as you haven’t always been like this, you have seen a change in the way you relate to others. You said that psychotherapy isn’t on the cards at the moment, if that’s for financial reasons you can get support via your GP, meds and talking therapy combined have the best outcome.
https://www.nhs.uk/every-mind-matters/urgent-support/#talking-therapies
this link gives info about other services that can help if you need mental health support.
You do seem concerned about your behaviour and attitude to others which is a positive thing. Good luck OP, I hope you find support to figure out what’s actually going on for you and to help you be more the person you used to be, if that’s what you want.

People who aren't nice don't sit around wondering whether they are nice or not.. they simply either think they are but are mistaken, don't even know what nice is, or actively try and not be nice for various reasons and base their personality gleefully off that.
If you have the level of self reflection to wonder about yourself and then feel guilt then you are a nice person legitimately.
Because everyone is a human being with slightly different ideas about what 'being nice' constitutes. In my book it's just someone who tries to think of others when they can. And it's not always possible to do that.. sometimes you'll be drained and numb. Welcome to adult life!
It doesn't mean you are a sociopath if sometimes you don't feel how you think you ought to in a certain situation. There are 101 reasons why you might not be able to feel total empathy in any given situation.

I totally get this OP, and I for one don’t think you’re a “horrible person” I think sometimes lack of empathy and emotion can be an autistic trait. My daughter is the exact same. If it doesn’t directly affect her, she’s not interested. I can be telling her a sad story about someone losing their mum young and her response will be “well it’s not me so I don’t really care”
Have you any autism traits? Big love to you 🥰

God, the irony of people on here calling the OP a cunt for asking her question is hilarious...

I get you, @He1h - I am similar in some ways, and haven't always been like this to this extent. I think I'm older (so give less fucks about people pleasing), and I'm tired and drained and a bit jaded by young kids and a full on life. I'm possibly a little bit depressed sometimes.

But I've always noticed that I've felt I had to fake certain things like concern or sadness when something happens to other people, when I get the impression that other people are really genuine. Or perhaps we're all just faking it?!

I don't, for example, tend to feel especially sad when I hear about an old person dying. I objectively know that this person may have meant a lot to their family but I also know that old people die, and that's the natural order of things. I struggle to cry at funerals and feel very self-conscious about this.

I'm pretty sure I AM a nice person, despite the need to fake it sometimes so I think you're alright. And I don't think you're a cunt (conversely, calling a stranger on the internet who had reached out for advice a cunt, isn't 'nice person' behaviour. It's actually quite cuntish).

My SIL is like you and tbh, she makes my blood run cold every time I'm even in a room with her. I think you absolutely need help before you harm someone - but if you indeed don't care, then you won't seek it as most psychopaths don't.

The gender reveal example is so funny, if we're being honest, does anyone really care, except maybe the parents?