To think I’m not a nice person?

[He1h]

I CAN be nice but overall I don’t think I am. There are genuine sentiments I feels where I want to do the right thing or where I feel genuine empathy towards someone. Mainly family or close friends which I guess is normal.

But there’s so many things I hear about where I basically can’t understand how anyone could be bothered… examples…

Stepping on a snail or killing a spider in your home. I feel nothing, maybe a mild acknowledgment that it’s a bit cruel but a few seconds later I’m over it.

My friend’s family pet died when she was in her late twenties and she was devastated for around 3 weeks. I thought it was ridiculous (I didn’t say that obviously).

People getting bothered when they’re above the age of 18 and their birthday can’t be celebrated on that specific day.. who cares?!

Gender reveals… I literally could not give a fuck what gender your baby is, I do not want to have a ‘reveal’ because I am simply not interested.

When someone’s child is crying at a park of soft play because they want the toy my child has…I have zero compassion and just want said child to go away.

Whoever is about to cross the road and I could slow down and stop, I don’t, even if elderly. I simply don’t care.

If my toddler needs to use the disabled bathroom when we are out, and the baby changing is in there, I will actively rush past a wheelchair user on their way in (if I can manage it in a socially acceptable way). I don’t care that they may need it more than me/DD.

There’s lots more. I can be very kind and considerate but largely I think I’m mostly about myself/immediate family and couldn’t care less about anything else. I often think I will make up for this shitty behaviour later on in life. Then of course I don’t. How awful are these things? Am I just a bit shit?

I have a one year old who is in a specialist wheelchair due to not being able to sit unaided or hold his head up. Would you rush past us and push into the disabled toilet?

The Op has explicitly confirmed she would
and “would not care” if you needed it more

Yes you do seem to lack empathy compassion and have very, very selfish traits. The fact you're aware means you can hopefully change your behaviour and with repetition have the real chance to become a nicer person.

Not your fault, just what you are, but please to try to be kinder and more understanding by whatever means you can. Xx

You sound horrible, but not that unusual. As a wheelchair user I’ve had people rush to get in front of me quite a lot. One day perhaps I will just not bother slowing down and you can enjoy my 100kg wheelchair doing 8mph and slamming the foot plate into your Achilles. Enjoyable to fantasise about, but I’d never do it because I’m not a dick.

In a way I agree OP as it is utterly repulsive for a wheelchair user to have to use the same room that is frequently littered with stinking used nappies and detritus when their only help required in a disabled loo is often the space and handrails to get in an out of a wheelchair, a higher loo and a lower basin to wash hands. The disabled access key is meant to make this a space for people with a physical disability who have a key. The revolting mess left by thoughtless parents using the changing tables is often beyond belief. No, you should not be racing a disabled person for the facility, but they should not be lumped together in the first place!!!

If the op was rushing to use the baby change
that meant the baby had a nappy on
so big fucking whoop if it goes for a crap

OP, you're not a psychopath and you do seem pretty decent and generally empathetic where it counts. The fact that you want to change things is also very significant and encouraging.
Are you on any mood stabilising drugs or antidepressants? These can flatten emotions and make one feel like a bit of a zombie. Depression can also make people feel like nothing really matters, including other people's feelings. When one's own emotional needs aren't being met it is harder to afford the mental energy to try to take care of others.
I would suggest you get to a psychotherapist and try to work out the root of this pattern and see if you can modify your thinking and behaviour to be more positive. But I don't think you are a bad person at all.
Also, the irony of MNers telling you you're awful, even as they themselves are dogpiling a clearly suffering person who hasn't harmed them nor confessed to anything even particularly bad, is... telling.

* maybe that’s another one to add to the list then! I’ve just been reflecting on it today as I often feel like I’m very self focussed. I don’t WANT to be that way but it’s my instinctive response to things and I’m not sure why*

Okay in my opinion this is more about bad parenting from your own mother and father. Were you never taught to respect and care for anyone (other than your own family)? It is absolutely normal instinct to put your needs first. Watch children in a nursery group if you don’t believe me. BUT we are usually taught good manners, to think of others and not always put our own selves first.
Honestly this is what a good society is all about - looking out for each other. I think you want to be a better person and you can be - you just have to actively ignore the ‘me first’ instinct and do what is RIGHT not always what you want.

Ew! Yes you are disgusting and your poor children! The example your setting! You need help! The disabled toilet are for disabled people! The baby does not need changing that instant! Have you heard of karma? Omg awful!

The snails got me!! I literally will pick up a snail if I see one on the path and relocate it. My kids also now do this. To step on and kill something no matter if it’s a snail or spider would make me feel really guilty, it was still a living thing.
You seem a bit strange. Hopefully your children don’t grow up the same as you.

I wonder if you might be similar to a colleague of mine. She openly acknowledges that she doesn't find other people's lives interesting/doesn't enjoy others' good news. And yet she's surprised if others don't show an interest in the most mundane details of her own life. She also wants to spend a lot of time talking about how she doesn't care for other people and analysing why that might be. Utterly self interested - it's fascinating in some ways and otherwise a bit depressing!

You sound almost proud of your behaviour when in actual fact, you should be ashamed.
A thoroughly unpleasant person, who will hopefully live to regret your selfish, entitled, twattish ways. Karma will get you.

Most of the things I'd agree with you, they annoy me too, or I also have zero sympathy. But the actively pushing past people in wheelchairs to get to a baby change before they get chance to go to the toilet, that's unforgivable. That's a serious level of hollow arrogance.

‘i feel rubbish about myself. I don’t have pride in myself anymore I’m just trying to get through the days.’

After I initially posted, I then saw you posted the above. It’s quite clear OP that you are struggling and need some help. You are self aware enough to notice your lack of care and empathy in certain situations where this would be required so that self awareness is the real you.
I don’t know what’s going on or has gone on but I sense you are overwhelmed and feeling extremely let down in life and have sort of lost faith and part of that has resulted in you not caring. Like you have turned off a switch to only care about your immediate priorities which are your children. Like some others have said, opinions here will be too varied and won’t necessarily be able to get to the root cause. Talking therapy is a good idea- you can self refer or see the GP. Wish you all the best.

Can’t imagine what you teach them
kids of yours. How would you feel is a driver didn’t slow down when they saw your mum
crossing ?

Did your parent teach you about society and what is right and wrong behaviour (ie if we don't do the 'right ' thing like put rubbish in a bin the world would be chaos / messy for everyone) ? Or is it that you are finding life too hard and rush through all those things cos you aren't coping ? Are you aware of why?

@He1h OP, I just wanted to add support for the view that I think what you’re experiencing is likely a trauma response, and I hope you manage to access some therapy soon.

You have the ability to self reflect, and you seem genuinely bothered by what you are identifying, that’s a very positive sign, and a great starting point.

A compassion focused approach might be helpful? Often, if we lack compassion towards others, that also includes ourselves. Or interpersonal perhaps. If you’re in the UK, you should be able to access talking therapy on the NHS. The wait can be long, so get the ball rolling as soon as you can, but after assessing they should have an idea of which approach may be suitable, and hopefully be able to offer it too.

And yes, you may be naturally more self focused compared to others, considering others may always be a bit more work for you, but it is a skill that can be developed if you have the insight, which you do seem to have.

Good luck, and well done for acknowledging what you notice, and that you’d like to change it.

Thank you for the many kind posts. Despite the unkind ones which I know are deserved, I’m actually glad I posted. I do need to work hard to change, I feel stuck in the days as just trying to get by rather than being who I want to be.

one thing I’ve reflected on is that I am always in a rush even when I don’t need to be. I think this feeds into it.

Do you have a certain amount of anxiety? With you saying you are always in a rush…do you avoid eye contact with strangers or ignore them if they speak to you or little one?

Oh for goodness sake! There's no reason to pile in like that.Disabled person here, with a Radar key.

Accessible toilets (that's what they're called) are set up for those who need to use them - no more and no less. Often, they are the place for baby changing and usually if that is the case, they are either not locked or there is a key held nearby.

Anyone can use an accessible toilet, I'm going to repeat that - anyone can use an accessible toilet. My local sports centre has 2 non gendered ones next to the reception area - not specifically for disabled people - they are for those who need to use the facilities and were not being encouraged to barge through the changing rooms in their outdoor shoes and so on (spectators, cafe users etc). As for queuing - well, disabled people can queue like anyone else. I am aware that many women have urge incontinence and use pads for safety, when out and about. Do you think disabled people cannot make contingency plans too? What do you expect happens when several people need the accessible toilet? Yes, of course they have to wait their turn, just like everyone else. What they don't do is judge each other's need to use those particular facilities - after all, not all disabilities are visible and there are conditions (I'm not going into details here) that may not be particularly disabling, where people have to have access to a sink and running water, in private.

Do you expect people with children in prams and pushchairs to leave them outside while they have to queue and use the narrow cubicles in public toilets? I never have and I'm ancient now.

I think the fact that you are asking shows a level of self awareness that many would not have. I also strongly advise you to seek a good experienced counsellor who will help you work through whatever it is that you are feeling. I’m wondering if there’s something from your childhood that needs addressing. I’m not sure why everyone is berating you so freely when clearly you need some kindness and compassion thrown back to you. I’m quite sure none of these people would say these things to your face.
Go and get some professional help. If not for you then for your DD.

That’s good to hear, you're not a lost cause if you can acknowledge your shortcomings.

Please though stop putting your feet on the seats of public transport, it’s really indecent behaviour but very easy to rectify. Even little changes will help.

Is it possible that you're in survival mode and/ or may be experiencing depression? I've lacked empathy at times when I'm struggling with mental health as I end up numb to any sort of emotion including empathy. Empathy tends to return when I allow myself to feel emotions including negative ones.

Feeling like you don't care doesn't make you a bad person alone. How you act KNOWING that you have a blindspot to other people's feelings is what matters. If you choose to be a better person than your feelings, then you're a good person. It sounds like you're aware of your shortcomings but are chosing to act badly regardless.

Has this thread made you realise your daughter will be watching and learning from you?