To think I’m not a nice person?

[He1h]

I CAN be nice but overall I don’t think I am. There are genuine sentiments I feels where I want to do the right thing or where I feel genuine empathy towards someone. Mainly family or close friends which I guess is normal.

But there’s so many things I hear about where I basically can’t understand how anyone could be bothered… examples…

Stepping on a snail or killing a spider in your home. I feel nothing, maybe a mild acknowledgment that it’s a bit cruel but a few seconds later I’m over it.

My friend’s family pet died when she was in her late twenties and she was devastated for around 3 weeks. I thought it was ridiculous (I didn’t say that obviously).

People getting bothered when they’re above the age of 18 and their birthday can’t be celebrated on that specific day.. who cares?!

Gender reveals… I literally could not give a fuck what gender your baby is, I do not want to have a ‘reveal’ because I am simply not interested.

When someone’s child is crying at a park of soft play because they want the toy my child has…I have zero compassion and just want said child to go away.

Whoever is about to cross the road and I could slow down and stop, I don’t, even if elderly. I simply don’t care.

If my toddler needs to use the disabled bathroom when we are out, and the baby changing is in there, I will actively rush past a wheelchair user on their way in (if I can manage it in a socially acceptable way). I don’t care that they may need it more than me/DD.

There’s lots more. I can be very kind and considerate but largely I think I’m mostly about myself/immediate family and couldn’t care less about anything else. I often think I will make up for this shitty behaviour later on in life. Then of course I don’t. How awful are these things? Am I just a bit shit?

Again, what a strange response. Have you left your house lately? People do objectively selfish acts all the time. I can't drive a 5 minute journey without seeing someone speeding, not letting someone out or not stopping for pedestrians waiting to cross. Have you been in a supermarket when a new till has opened and there is a large queue? The rush to get before others is crazy. People lie about children's ages to get free admission to struggling attractions and don't pay to park and deny bankrupt councils money they are owed and think absolutely nothing of it.

People generally are highly questionable and stray into unethical behaviour easily.

Yes, I agree with you. You’re not very nice.
Perhaps some thought about why you are so self-interested and self-centred would do you some good? Have you never been treated with love and kindness?

Why is everyone attacking the OP. She is clearly feeling very vulnerable. It isn't kind or helpful and it shows who the real nasty people are.

I’m not naturally nice either. You would not know this.

It’s yet another gross display of everyone think they’re showing how kind they are by attacking the OP. If they even bother to read all her posts, she’s clearly struggling at the moment and has been through a tough time. I think she sounds like she is in survival mode and probably only has the energy to care about herself and her immediate family at the moment and I think that’s ok.

People are telling her she’s an awful person and diagnosing her with NPD - it’s fucking ridiculous.

Not to mention, if she asked people the same question in real life they wouldn’t respond the way most have on here. I’m worried OP is now beating herself up after this pile on.

Wow. You really don't see the irony here, do you?

Look in the mirror.

Well that's actually a very good question. There have indeed been a lot of harsh responses but if OP really is sociopathic or totally self centred and apathetic about others, she won't care. Do the responses bother you, OP?

OP doesn’t have NPD or is a sociopath based on what she has told us. These conditions always show up much earlier in life and OP stated she used to feel very empathetic all the time until she went through a tough time recently.

Also, if she did have either of these conditions, she wouldn’t start a thread asking about it because she simply wouldn’t care.

I read a woman struggling with life and having limited energy and she needs to put the shutters down for a while.

Some people on this thread have just been downright nasty op, please ignore. It just proves who they are, being the nasty, vile ones and name calling. Threads like this can sometimes become like a school playground.

You Have been brave posting, and the fact you are acknowledging your behaviours and want to change puts you far ahead of most of the vile posts on here.

If there was a scale from 1-10 of "niceness" at 10 vs selfishness at 1 I would say I'd probably put you on 4 - you don't sound actively mean i.e. you know not to tell someone they should just get over losing their pet. However, no one I'm friends with is someone who would do all those things / feel as little sympathy as you describe either (to be fair I'd only put myself at a 7 on that scale and have no problem killing spiders, but most my friends are probably 8+ as I personally find empathy an attractive feature in friends). I'd add that most people I know (and definitely me) became more empathetic as they grew out of the teenage years (where you are inherently quite selfish) so there is probably something to what people said about the situations you have been in recently not bringing out the best in you - I've had that in past and my friends usually pointed it out to me quite firmly :)

I agree with the problems of over-medicalisation, diagnosing social traits as illness. However, the study of human behaviour needs such language to provide labels and descriptors. Intervention then has a framework to follow. This might range from self-help through coaching to clinical treatment. Each label you mention is a spectrum, a scale. We can think of a cut-off point at which they become clinically significant and can be called a diagnosis. That cut-off point can vary by individual, eg correlating with other scales like happiness or social functioning. Take body temperature for example. A degree up for a day might go unnoticed. Higher or longer requires investigation to exclude sinister causes. Comorbid symptoms means intervention. But it’s all pyrexia.

Totally unnecessary and unkind response. Hopefully the poster doesn’t give a fig what a stranger thinks

You sound delightful OP.....

Also, the poster who said experiment with just actively being a bit nicer (letting people go past you if they need it more, smiling at people in the street, etc) and see how it makes you feel. You may find it becomes easier to do over time as it is rewarding to feel like your behaving nicely to others / you get small signs of engagement and acknowledgement in return. Having kids made me do this more and I definitely found it was a self reinforcing activity - if mainly because its lovely having small kids who smile all the time and say hi to people on the street.

I agree with your OP, sorry, it does sound as though you don’t have normal human empathy. I too would consider sociopathy or psychopathy.

I don’t think you are a horrible person. A couple of these examples are a bit odd but overall you are just being honest

U sound like an arsehole

I agree with you op, you clearly are a selfish person but most people are.

I agree that there is probably an element of self preservation going on. If you are overwhelmed and running on empty then kindness and empathy may slide a bit. We all understand this when someone that is financially struggling can't necessarily donate money to charity if they don't have the financial capacity to do so. Not everyone has the capacity emotionally or energy wise to always do the 'kind' thing. It's why you see people behave incredibly badly after a bereavement or at times of high stress.

I think it is far more kind and empathetic to attempt to understand where people are coming from rather than rush to condemn them.

If you would like to change, try asking yourself "what would happen if everyone did that?"

E.g. if everyone in the train compartment played their music out loud, would it be comfortable for me? Others?

I would hope that opening up that critique would help you be more considerate of others. But also agree that you should speak to a professional.

The question you need to ask yourself is, are you smart enough OP?
I’d also add in life you tend to reap what you sow & treat people the way you’d like to be treated.

Totally agree.

I know for me, I used to be almost too empathetic and often put other’s needs above my own and to my own detriment. Soon realised that not only were people walking all over me, but they didn’t respect me. There has to be a balance with these things IMO.

I think your friend was being unreasonable to only be devastated for three weeks after her pet dying tbh

You sound very self-centred and lacking in compassion.

I don’t suppose it is pathological because it doesn’t sound like it is a ‘problem’ in a daily sense, and you don’t sound like you actively try to hurt others. But you also don’t sound like others matter to you at all.
Probably a good thing you were brought up well (I presume) and have good mental health (again I presume) because a lack of compassion and coupled with cruel impulses could lead to sociopathy/psychopathy. But it doesn’t sound like that’s you.

The wheelchair bit and not slowing down so elderly can cross makes you a bit of a cunt in my book.