To think I’m not a nice person?

[He1h]

I CAN be nice but overall I don’t think I am. There are genuine sentiments I feels where I want to do the right thing or where I feel genuine empathy towards someone. Mainly family or close friends which I guess is normal.

But there’s so many things I hear about where I basically can’t understand how anyone could be bothered… examples…

Stepping on a snail or killing a spider in your home. I feel nothing, maybe a mild acknowledgment that it’s a bit cruel but a few seconds later I’m over it.

My friend’s family pet died when she was in her late twenties and she was devastated for around 3 weeks. I thought it was ridiculous (I didn’t say that obviously).

People getting bothered when they’re above the age of 18 and their birthday can’t be celebrated on that specific day.. who cares?!

Gender reveals… I literally could not give a fuck what gender your baby is, I do not want to have a ‘reveal’ because I am simply not interested.

When someone’s child is crying at a park of soft play because they want the toy my child has…I have zero compassion and just want said child to go away.

Whoever is about to cross the road and I could slow down and stop, I don’t, even if elderly. I simply don’t care.

If my toddler needs to use the disabled bathroom when we are out, and the baby changing is in there, I will actively rush past a wheelchair user on their way in (if I can manage it in a socially acceptable way). I don’t care that they may need it more than me/DD.

There’s lots more. I can be very kind and considerate but largely I think I’m mostly about myself/immediate family and couldn’t care less about anything else. I often think I will make up for this shitty behaviour later on in life. Then of course I don’t. How awful are these things? Am I just a bit shit?

YANBU

You don’t sound kind or thoughtful. But it’s a good sign you recognise it and want to change. Kids learn by replicating behaviour, so important you set a good example to your DD. “Do as I say but not as I do” rarely works with kids. They watch and learn.

You sound burnt out and in need of some kindness yourself.

I don’t think the things you have listed make you a bad person….I think you rattling them off like accomplishments does though 🤷🏼‍♀️

You just clearly don’t understand empathy in certain situations

You come across as a typical AH!! As for saying you are bringing DD up to be kind and thoughtful….they learn by seeing as well. So if you are not a nice person….she won’t grow up to be one either 🤷🏼‍♀️

Well no you don't sound particularly nice. At least you are aware of it I guess.

In prison op would have plenty of time to think about it

Am I the only one who thinks these examples are not particularly bad or evil?

I would do differently in all cases but some people are just a bit less thoughtful and that's ok.

Lots of people don't worry about killing a spider or accidentally stepping on a snail. If you do it for fun, that's a problem. Most people eat meat which involves far more cruelty and think nothing of it.

Most people won't slow down for a person to cross the road unless it's a zebra crossing, which OP says she stops for.

Toddlers who are crying because they want your kid's toy can be annoying, let's be honest.

The disabled toilet thing sucks a bit tbh but that's the only thing she mentions where I'm a bit 🤨 and if your kid is about to soil themselves then often it might seem like the sensible choice to nip in first.

In interviews with actual psychopaths like Patric Gagne they talk about having no problem with things like murder, rape, violence or multiple affairs. OP is a million miles away from this behaviour, it's crazy to give her an armchair diagnosis of psychopathy or sociopathy.

Waits their turn to use the loo, the one that is designed for them, not used for baby changing by someone who clearly doesn't care about anyone but themselves!

Have you considered you may be depressed OP?
I can see how maybe if you're feeling that life is bloody hard, and that there's misogyny everywhere, and you've got to be on the defensive to have your opportunities how maybe you're living life in that way.

In fact, look at most of your list. It appears a bit like you might be thinking, I'm having my turn!!

Maybe you could look at it in a different way. That you can easily take that opportunity but you can also let someone else take it first, and yes it slows you down, but you feel good about yourself instead of feeling bad about the way you act toward strangers.

I do lots of kind things, because in reality, the impact on me is less negative than it is bad for others.
If there's a 4 for 3 offer and I have 3 of something, I'll check with other customers if they have 1 that I can get them for "free"

I speak to old people, one man sees me fairly often now! He says "Oh there she is! With those lovely boys!" And I regale him with the horrors they've been since he last saw us in town- He says he only really sees his carers and its the highlight of the week if he sees us.

I always clear up above what's expected when we go out to eat- because honestly I'd feel shit if I left someone else to clear up the mess. It not only makes people's lives slightly easier- but it always makes me feel good, and I can't tell you how many times I've left cafes with free cake for it.

I run upto cars that are just about to get ticketed in my estate. I tell drivers to go and park in my space because there's a warden nearby (we've got some odd parking restrictions- and the warden hates me because I've done it 4 times now)

It always gives me a spring in my step that I've been "nice"

Maybe this is the first step to changing your behaviour? In some ways I understand what you’re saying. My parents were quite unfeeling, my dad is probably a narcissist and my mum is quite strange. I realised a few years ago that I was quite self absorbed. My husband’s family are the total opposite of mine so it showed me what normal people are like! Could it be the way you were brought up? I have changed over the years and I hope that now I’m a fairly decent person, but it’s hard when you’ve been brought up a certain way. Now would be the time to change your ways and set a good example for your children!

My understanding is that psychopaths aren't necessarily killers; they just want what they want and that's not always power and control. It might just be an idle life, for example, so they might find a partner to leech off while doing nothing productive and not feel anything about causing pain as they do it. They might be motivated by other consequences but there's just no sense of "couldn't do that to someone"; they just don't feel that.

You need to start practicing acting like a normal civil human before you teach your child to be a selfish uncompassionate arse as well. You should be really embarrassed of yourself shoving in front of anyone else who is waiting to use the toilet disabled or not!

My friend’s family pet died when she was in her late twenties and she was devastated for around 3 weeks. I thought it was ridiculous (I didn’t say that obviously).

Heavens, my dog died over a year ago and I'm still devastated. 3 weeks is nothing!

I think your post mixes up a lot of different things- I couldn't care less about gender reveals either and also think adults making a huge thing out of their birthdays are a bit odd, but these are just opinions and me thinking these things doesn't harm anybody else.

Things like killing animals and pushing in front of disabled people are different- there you are causing harm to others. I'd work on making sure your actions aren't hurting other people. No need to beat yourself up about having the odd uncharitable thought inside your head.

I find this thread so interesting as I genuinely think about the impact of my actions on others all the time (sometimes think I could do it a bit less!) I find that I feel like this because I was treated with kindness and respect as a child, but also had the benefit of a mum and dad who led by example and encouraged me to consider others - in the end, others consider you in return, and that is what truly feels good. I encourage my children to stop and think how others will find their actions; if everyone did that, then children would be kinder to each other.

OP, you may well end up with a child that exhibits behaviour exactly like yours… and is that what you want? It seems like you are actually quite unhappy already, could you seek some help to unpack all of this? Have you ever felt truly ‘cared for’ in your life? Hope things improve for you.

@He1h You don't say how old you are, but to me, you sound like someone who has turned off your feelings, probably because at some time in the past, they have been very painful to deal with.

I am no mental health expert, but I think there could be many reasons behind how you are, maybe even something as simple as a medication that "dulls the edges" of emotions.

If you are concerned, and it looks like you might be, please consider talking to someone who might be able to offer you MH support. Please do not take all the "you must be a horrible person" remarks to heart - it sounds more like you are emotionally numb for some reason and there may be a way past it.

Good luck ❤️

The idea that you're a sociopath or narcissist is ridiculous unless there's a huge back story you're not telling us. Killing insects is something people do all the time, I don't like it but it's not like you're torturing cats or something. Rushing to get to a toilet before someone disabled is selfish, but no one wants their child pooing/weeing themselves in a supermarket.

You sound much more like you're depressed/fed up with life and don't have the bandwidth to care about anything other than you and yours. Fairly selfish but that's certainly not unusual in the general population.

largely I think I’m mostly about myself/immediate family and couldn’t care less about anything else.

I think you've probably nailed it there. From your examples, I think you'd have made sure you were first on the Titanic liferafts even if you had to trample over a line of pre-schoolers and old ladies to get there.

I think most people are pretty selfish, but even within that there is a spectrum, and you sound like you're at the extreme end of 'self-focus', as you put it.

Some of the things I agree with like the baby shower but the pushing in front of a disabled person well I wouldn’t want a friend like you. Cruelty and exploitation of animals will always make me cry.

You’re just (more than) a bit shit 🙄

Have you been to Italy recently and someone dying spoilt your bus trip?

I got rather wound up on that thread which I'm over now 😂 and have a new user name but had to use this one to comment.

@He1h

OP your child can wait for a few minutes to have their nappy changed, while a wheelchair user uses the only toilet they can. Your child will not combust. You might be a wheelchair user one day, so don’t be a twat.

@He1h

i hope the next time you get a train someone has done what you have done and put their shoes on the seats and their shoes had dog shit on them. A bit of dog shit on your coat may help you see the error of your ways

Yep, you are vile.

But I thought you didn’t care?

You sound like a complete fucking arsehole tbh - I couldn't care less about stuff like crying kids at softplay, but always putting yourself ahead of others in some of the circumstances you've listed? Nope, Serious dick moves. Doubt you'll change if you actually just don't care though. Your selfish attitude seems to be prevalent among a lot of people right now. Do you also decline to ever give way to others when driving, or do you bull your way through on the wrong side of the road around an obstruction even if there's oncoming traffic?

Oh dear!

People telling OP she's a sociopath, a psychopath or a narcissist...I strongly suspect this is what she wants to hear, but the move towards pathologising every aspect of human behaviour is really damaging and leads people to think they're 'special' when they're just selfish. It also allows people to abdicate responsibility for their shitty behaviour.

Maybe OP is just a bit of a dick, and can be less of a dick if she chooses.