To think I’m not a nice person?

[He1h]

I CAN be nice but overall I don’t think I am. There are genuine sentiments I feels where I want to do the right thing or where I feel genuine empathy towards someone. Mainly family or close friends which I guess is normal.

But there’s so many things I hear about where I basically can’t understand how anyone could be bothered… examples…

Stepping on a snail or killing a spider in your home. I feel nothing, maybe a mild acknowledgment that it’s a bit cruel but a few seconds later I’m over it.

My friend’s family pet died when she was in her late twenties and she was devastated for around 3 weeks. I thought it was ridiculous (I didn’t say that obviously).

People getting bothered when they’re above the age of 18 and their birthday can’t be celebrated on that specific day.. who cares?!

Gender reveals… I literally could not give a fuck what gender your baby is, I do not want to have a ‘reveal’ because I am simply not interested.

When someone’s child is crying at a park of soft play because they want the toy my child has…I have zero compassion and just want said child to go away.

Whoever is about to cross the road and I could slow down and stop, I don’t, even if elderly. I simply don’t care.

If my toddler needs to use the disabled bathroom when we are out, and the baby changing is in there, I will actively rush past a wheelchair user on their way in (if I can manage it in a socially acceptable way). I don’t care that they may need it more than me/DD.

There’s lots more. I can be very kind and considerate but largely I think I’m mostly about myself/immediate family and couldn’t care less about anything else. I often think I will make up for this shitty behaviour later on in life. Then of course I don’t. How awful are these things? Am I just a bit shit?

You obviously don't understand adhd so why don't you clear off so rude

Oh and I am adhd/autism so I do have some knowledge so please wind your neck in

Meh, I am not very "nice". But I AM transactional.

I don't particularly care about the vast majority of people. Could not give a fuck if 80% of the human population was wiped off the face of the Earth tomorrow as long as the ones I like weren't among them and we could still run stuff.

However, I live in a functional society, which I quite like, and which my children need in order to be safe and thriving. So that means that I have to give to get.

So that means: I do slow and let people pass, I do wait for the wheelchair user. Not because I actually care about them, but because one day I may need the same and it serves me to have this be the norm in society.

I will also make the bare minimum appropriate social noises for your other examples without actually giving a fuck either way and internally rolling my eyes. Again, because I need these people in order to function and what would be the point in upsetting them?

Shrug, it has occurred to me that there is probably something 'wrong' with me. But again, I don't actually care and I am happy just as I am and seem to be surrounded by other happy people so it appears to be fine.

I am pretty sure lots of people are the same. Plenty of us out there, faking it.

I can resonate with much of what op describes difference been I can try to hide it I am adhd/autistic and feel very wound up at turn taking, people in my way I also think I'm not nice but when I went through my assessments these traits are common in adhd/autism.

They can be as selfish as anyone. If you mean their illness can cause them to behave in objectively selfish ways, but no, they're not inherently selfish, then fair enough, but their behaviours absolutely can be.

Like some of the hundred symptoms of ASC can appear to be a lack of empathy and the symptoms of ADHD can, on the surface, seem to be a lack empathy. Fuck, sometimes they ARE selfish.

Some random example off the top of my head? A person with ADHD tells you that they don't want to go to the cinema to watch that film you like the look of? Absolutely not. And so you're thinking "fucks sake, can they not give an hour of their time to do something I would enjoy?"

No, because for some people with ADHD (not all, obviously, they're still people with differences and not a homogeneous group just because of a dx) to sit and watch something that has zero interest for them is almost painful.

It's also a selfish behaviour. It's infantalising to suggest they can't be held accountable for some of the less desirable traits.

I think most people are like this tbh, remember shopping during covid?! But they manage to suppress their urges and recognise that society works on compromises and helping each other. There’s also social stigma associated with putting yourself first (hence the backlash on this thread). Why don’t you try being more accommodating to other people’s needs and see if you feel better about yourself? I help other people, even though it grates on me sometimes (eg let someone out in front of me in traffic), because I like to think it will come back to me, like karma type thing - it takes away the burn a bit.

double post by accident

I know this wasn’t your intention but your post actually made me laugh. I think I’d like you in real life.
I actually think I might be somewhat similar to you.

The Highway Code is now you are meant to stop if someone is approaching to cross a road (even when it’s not a zebra crossing) what a strange thing to be proud of. 🙄

Im starting to wonder if I am not nice too and all this being nice is bad for me.

I think you don't mean you would run someone down or barge past disabled people in a toilet queue. If someone is waiting to cross the road you wouldn't always stop for them and If your DD needs changing you would get to the changing place quickly ignoring other people heading in that direction. Not great but not psychopathic.
A genuinely bad person wouldn't care if they did these things. You do act impulsively selfish sometimes but then worry about afterwards (or you wouldn't be on here asking if you're not nice).

Is it possible you are depressed or overly stressed? Both can cause people to lose empathy for others.
Therapy sounds like a good idea.

The Op is explicit that she would “actively rush past” a wheelchair user and “wouldn’t care if they needed it more”

Stop trying to reword the OP so it fits your narrative

I think you are very brave to own up to it. I think we all have that duality to contend with. The nice caring socially acceptable face that "nice" people wear struggles against the natural instinct for selfish survival of self at all costs.
The desire for self improvement makes me think you are not a sociopath at all. A sociopath would not care to change.
Change comes with practice. Like the day I decided to stop being a shy teenager because being shy was really shit. It took years to get really good at it but even now deep down I still have moments of shyness. So does that make me shy? Just because I still feel it sometimes?
You too can make the changes you need in the same way. Everything you do you mentally check in with the feeling of compassion and care and over time it becomes second nature.
Having these feelings does not make you a monster. How you deal with them is they key.

Hoping this gives you a measure of comfort. I know in a heartbeat I could change to being totally selfish and heartless if the situation called for it. And having kids has only intensified that instinct for survival for their benefit.

Surely it’s about people being different?
I fully understand why people get upset at the death of an animal as animals are more important and loved to me than people (weird to some, I guess).
But on the flip side, I have no idea why anyone would want a child. I find children boring.

I don’t like spiders but I would never hurt one. But I would hurt a wasp because I hate them (and I’m allergic to them!)

I save snails on paths to stop them getting trodden on, but if the path was littered with children, I wouldn’t stop them getting stamped on 😅(ok, perhaps a bad example!)

I don’t think this makes me an evil person, just that I have different priorities than others.
I’ll probably be made some kind of patron saint of snails in heaven…

Right, some of your examples do sound just normal to me.
Others.... dear lord! You do hurry past a disabled person to use the disabled toilet?! And... what is that of not slowing down for people crossing the road, I hope is not on pedestrian crossings....
You do have a personality disorder of some kind. It is beyond self focused or selfish. And beyond lack or lesser empathy than average.

I think you are having a slightly rough ride here OP. I think lots of people feel and behave in the way you do, but not many would feel bad about it, call themselves not nice etc, so that at least shows you have more conscience and self awareness then some. Posters in Mumsnet often like to pretend/ genuinely think they are perfect, especially if it gives them the chance to tell off an OP and throw words like vile around. I often think their responses show they themselves struggle with empathy and see things very black and white.

Don't get me wrong, some of the things you have said aren't 'nice' but most people aren't nice all the time and are motivated by selfish impulses. The only one I think is probably much less nice than the average person is the disabled bathroom one, I would judge you for that. But equally as I understand it you are talking about speeding up to get there first, not actively pushing in a queue? If so I think people do that a lot when a queue/ empty table etc is in sight and it's only the fact that it's a disabled bathroom where they should take priority that makes it worse than something a lot of people would do.

The road one, now you have clarified you aren't talking about people on a crossing, and you say waiting to cross not already crossing? So I don't think it's at all unusual not to stop?! Yes people might sometimes if someone is obviously having particular trouble, or if they are in slow traffic anyway, but driving and walking around I see little evidence that most normal drivers routinely stop to let people cross the road if they are not on a crossing.

And most of the other things seem pretty normal to me, if people were honest. E.g
I actively disapprove of a load of fuss about gender before a baby is born - suggests a lot of stereotyping and expectations to me, so why should you care about that? I would care if their baby is healthy or not, but not get excited what sex they are.
Life experience would tell me most people wouldn't be too concerned about someone else's toddler temper tantrum because they want a toy your child has. People generally look out for their own child, and also usually see crying to get your way as not something to be rewarded. Lots of people don't worry about the life of small things like insects - I theory I know I should care as much as a bigger mammal but I don't feel that. And if you aren't a pet person, it can be surprising how much a person can grieve them.

I'm suppose I'm saying some if the things sound 'not nice', some sound pretty reasonable or at least 'normal'. No one is perfect. You might want to reflect on the strength of feeling about the disabled toilet one though. Being more mindful of other people's challenges in life is a good place to start if feeling you are not a nice person bothers you. Also I wonder if you are finding being a parent stressful, if you only have a toddler so it's still relatively new? I found the baby stage very hard and probably struggled to think about anyone other than myself or the baby at the time.

She is on here lol

@He1h What was your upbringing like OP? Was this behaviour modelled by your caregivers?

How strange, to covet attention from strangers on the internet about what an unpleasant person you are.

Perhaps you are struggling hugely with your own life and family demands and no space left for anyone else. I get some of it, except killing insects and unsafe driving. Have you always felt and behaved in these ways or does it coincide with increasingly stressful life demands? You seem to lack empathy : Maybe you’re somewhere on the autism spectrum, maybe you need counselling or therapy?

Furthermore you sound a lot nicer than 90% of the people on here, don't be so hard on yourself because there's always going to be a load of wankers doing that for you

I was with you for the first few examples. I get over most deaths pretty quickly and I don't get sentimental over babies or weddings. But I try to think of other people and love it when I've been considerate - stopping to let someone cross the road, helping out if someone can't manage to reach something in a supermarket etc. One day it might be me needing help and it's easy to be considerate. I don't think I'm always a nice person underneath but I do try to hide it.

Do you realise that it’s not uncommon for disabled people to have far less bladder control that other people, and that the disabled person you rush ahead off may actually soil themself in public because of you?

Your last two examples are awful. If someone steps off a pavement and you haven’t bothered to slow, despite anticipating this, you could hit them full speed and kill or disable them for life.

I think you could almost define a 'nice' or 'decent' person as one who will do things that are not in their own direct interest, for people who are not their immediate family or friends. If that definition is reasonable, then yes, you might want to do some self reflection.

Sounds like you don't naturally put yourself in the shoes of other people. When you are trying to cross the road, how do you feel when car after car breezes past without slowing for you to cross? On the other hand, how do you feel about someone who does slow for you, or does let your child use the toy they want, or does give up their space in the toilet queue for you?

In my experience, people like this are a ray of light in day to day life, and make me want to be more like that myself. Nobody will be on their death bed wishing they were more selfish, but you might end up on yours wishing you were more kind...