To think I’m not a nice person?

[He1h]

I CAN be nice but overall I don’t think I am. There are genuine sentiments I feels where I want to do the right thing or where I feel genuine empathy towards someone. Mainly family or close friends which I guess is normal.

But there’s so many things I hear about where I basically can’t understand how anyone could be bothered… examples…

Stepping on a snail or killing a spider in your home. I feel nothing, maybe a mild acknowledgment that it’s a bit cruel but a few seconds later I’m over it.

My friend’s family pet died when she was in her late twenties and she was devastated for around 3 weeks. I thought it was ridiculous (I didn’t say that obviously).

People getting bothered when they’re above the age of 18 and their birthday can’t be celebrated on that specific day.. who cares?!

Gender reveals… I literally could not give a fuck what gender your baby is, I do not want to have a ‘reveal’ because I am simply not interested.

When someone’s child is crying at a park of soft play because they want the toy my child has…I have zero compassion and just want said child to go away.

Whoever is about to cross the road and I could slow down and stop, I don’t, even if elderly. I simply don’t care.

If my toddler needs to use the disabled bathroom when we are out, and the baby changing is in there, I will actively rush past a wheelchair user on their way in (if I can manage it in a socially acceptable way). I don’t care that they may need it more than me/DD.

There’s lots more. I can be very kind and considerate but largely I think I’m mostly about myself/immediate family and couldn’t care less about anything else. I often think I will make up for this shitty behaviour later on in life. Then of course I don’t. How awful are these things? Am I just a bit shit?

WIow!! Well done you are most definitely a horrible, selfish self centred person.

Hi OP. No judgement, but I’m wondering how you feel reading these comments. If they’re making you feel a bit shitty and anxious, then you’re probably not as bad as you think you are!
Just try and do better, I guess. Even if it does feel a bit forced.

I give out a lot of armchair diagnoses but I don't see psychopathy/sociopathy/narcissism here. I see someone who's having a bit of a crap time and feeling very sorry for herself. It's hard to have empathy for others when we're feeling sorry for ourselves. I have quite unstable mental health and when I'm very depressed or panicky I have no time for others. The opposite is true when I'm happy. Where I live there are a lot of very harsh-looking people, who give off this awful energy. If you're like that then you're probably terrifying everyone and they're responding badly to you.

That said, I have a lot more empathy than you even on a bad day and if I don't let someone across the road it's usually because my reactions haven't been quick enough. I mean if they're just standing at the side of the road waiting to cross. Three weeks of devastation is normal when losing a pet but I guess you wouldn't understand if you've never had a relationship with one. I've never felt grief like it. But in the past I've been insensitive. It's hard to feel true empathy if we've never been through something ourselves.

You say you want help. Maybe just start being kind and see what happens? You don't need help to start letting people across the road -just do it.

To be honest, the older I get, the thinner my patience becomes. But I'm still aware of others and I'm kind (and patient when I need to be). I'm also emotionally connected to the world around me and possess empathy and sympathy. You seem to have absolutely none of that and the majority of the examples you've given here are horrendous traits in a human being.
What exactly do you want from this thread? For a bunch of strangers to agree you're a total cunt, because that's my vote right there!

Oh and if someone is wondering whether they're a narcissist, it's very unlikely they are one. And if they do know they're a narcissist, they're likely to be proud of the fact. They probably think they're the very best narcissist.

OP I think you sound completely normal, if a bit fed up, tired out and possibly - as a PP suggested - hitting perimenopause. Another PP said - this is why we have social norms and laws, for example, to stop car drivers prioritising their journeys over pedestrians' lives.

How about this? Next time you go to kill a spider, either squash and own the enjoyment of squishing it and don't tell anyone .. or catch it and put it outside, then pat yourself on the back! But right now you sound like you're in a terrible half way house of squishing the spider and then feeling bad that others will judge you.

You make my blood boil. No consideration for anyone but yourself. Selfish. Makes me so angry people like you. I bet you pjt loud music on trains/ buses beaches etc too.

I'm surprised that you've got any friends OP for you to put your feet anywhere near their sofa....

Carry on with your don't care attitude & behaviour & you'll begin to isolate yourself

OP, I consider myself a very nice and empathetic compassionate person as a rule, and I pretty much agree with the vast majority of the examples and feel like most people up to a point would actually agree too (I agree the urge, which you would actually give into, to push past a disabled wheelchair user to change your own child’s nappy is a bit more unusual but I can’t totally blame you for the urge in the first place, caused by an unfair competition being forced on disabled people and parents of young children for the same resources as a pp pointed out, I just wouldn’t give into the urge is the difference).

I also think someone’s dog dying is an utter tragedy but I could not care less if you make that dog a cat even though I know many people will think that’s very harsh. So if you’re eg not a dog OR a cat person I guess I get it.

I definitely don’t think you are a sociopath/psychopath or even a narcissist at all, you haven’t always been like this even as a child and you are self-reflecting on this. I agree I think you’ve just been beaten down by life in a society that IS becoming increasingly selfish and basically an environment that ily the very fortunate or the out and out psychopaths truly thrive in essentially most likely. Like you I’ve had a pretty stressful difficult time for many years, including surviving in a stressful working environment where it seems like only the psychopaths prosper, and where empathy and compassion are no longer valued qualities. Although a pp said this has made them value empathy and compassion more and made them more inclined to be that way I actually think that’s the much less common/human reaction to this. I guess I’d agree that it has probably slightly increased the value I place on empathy and compassion, though that’s always been high anyway, but it’s for sure made me LESS that way inclined as a self-protective measure I think. You just literally can’t survive in such a harsh environment as someone who can’t bear the thought of ever stepping on a snail or killing a spider, and have to “toughen up”. Another pp mentioned it being scary to realise how many people would happily trample over others to get what they or their loved ones need, I think we are ALL capable of that if we are desperate enough, look at what’s happening in Gaza where people are literally being trampled to death on the rush to secure enough food to eat for them and their loved ones.

Basically I think our increasingly dog eat dog societal environment is the issue, and not your very human reaction to it.

I think this is incredibly wise advice for anyone feeling this way, I must take it myself lol

Tbh, barring your example of the wheelchair user and the shoes on a train seat, I am pretty much with you on all the others. You say you feel self centered because you don't care, I feel like those that go on about having everyone celebrate all their birthdays/children's birthdays/gender reveals/blah blah blah are the self centered ones....

Feeling less is a sign of depression Or burnout

Have you always been like this, OP, or has it built up over time? Are you depressed? Feeling like you’ve been taken advantage of too many times in the past in similar ways and now just feel like ‘fuck it!’?

You should read up on sociopathy.

Have to tell you that you are breaking the law not stopping to let pedestrians cross if they are at a junction. Just remember the dildo of karma rarely arrives lubed! One day you may be on the receiving end of behaviour like your own.

Well you're quite obviously not a nice person OP.
And your examples will be copied by your child.

I don't really care why you have written this post. Probably boredom. Probably hoping other people will say they feel the same way. #

What bothers me most is that when other people post looking for advice that you probably make terrible suggestions that aren't helpful, and when other people point this out, you probably say that because your opinion is different, it doesn't make it wrong. Yawn.

I think people are reading this very superficially. The OP is facing and questioning her most unattractive impulses in a way that most people don't. The examples are times when she's felt guilty about putting herself or daughter ahead of other people's needs and is troubled enough by the memory to post about it. And she's not talking about ploughing through people at a zebra crossing, more like not stopping to let people cross when cars technically have right of way. Most of these things are just what people do anyway but don't think anything of.

That's hilarious lol

You'd like people to...go out of their way to help you?

So many selfish people atm.
I hope you continously get this engery back and if you get to live into old age recieve this type of attitude from the people around.

I bet your really dull and complete bore on top of it as well.

Agree with the above. OP at least you notice that you do these things and they might be considered characteristic of a not-nice person. Plenty of people don't. Also agree that being stressed, anxious or exhausted leads to self-centredness.

Rushing in to chide someone who is questioning her behaviour isn't very nice behaviour either, btw...

I’m immediately wondering what your childhood was like.

How much kindness, compassion and empathy did you experience as a child?

Has your feelings/behaviour always been like this or has there been a change?

What are your relationships like? what have they been like over your lifetime?

Are there topics that you feel strongly about relating to injustices that impact you directly?

Hi @He1h I dont think you're bad person at all. I genuinely think most of your reactions are normal.

Most People aren't devastated by a squashed snail. Lots of people would argue their child should keep the toy. Who cares if you celebrate your birthday (I include other celebrations like christmas) on the 'right' day? And gender reveals? They can go to fuck. If we all stopped because someone was stood at the side of the road zebra crossings literally wouldn't exist. I love my cats, but I'm not bawling for weeks because one died. I'm sad, and I sometimes miss them. But I also understand pets live shorter lives, it happens.

I think what you are describing are normal feelings. It's okay to protect yourself and your child from other people's emotions. They drain you.

But equally, be kind to those you love. Spend time working on patience and being open hearted with people you care about.

Yes I’m wondering about childhood trauma here

I’m afraid children copy what you do, not what you say.

Doesn’t work like that. Actions speak louder than words with children

I would not do some of your examples and even killing bugs give me a level of guilt that I only do it if they’re pests - ant powder etc. Some things are irrelevant to the not being a good person - liking birthdays or gender reveals

BUT

I don’t think people are being honest, most people have a selfish and self serving side. And it’s natural to put your family before strangers. I bet all the people suggesting you’re a sociopath have many selfish inclinations too. I will sometimes pick the big bit of cake when I’ve served up pudding. I would also spitefully close the door on a disabled toilet after I’ve used it to see if the person queuing up behind me at a concert has a radar key or if they’re just trying to skip the huge lines in the women’s. No one is perfectly selfless

ill admit i can match on many points, although in general i do try to be considerate but if im in a rush etc then it is me first