To think I’m not a nice person?

[He1h]

I CAN be nice but overall I don’t think I am. There are genuine sentiments I feels where I want to do the right thing or where I feel genuine empathy towards someone. Mainly family or close friends which I guess is normal.

But there’s so many things I hear about where I basically can’t understand how anyone could be bothered… examples…

Stepping on a snail or killing a spider in your home. I feel nothing, maybe a mild acknowledgment that it’s a bit cruel but a few seconds later I’m over it.

My friend’s family pet died when she was in her late twenties and she was devastated for around 3 weeks. I thought it was ridiculous (I didn’t say that obviously).

People getting bothered when they’re above the age of 18 and their birthday can’t be celebrated on that specific day.. who cares?!

Gender reveals… I literally could not give a fuck what gender your baby is, I do not want to have a ‘reveal’ because I am simply not interested.

When someone’s child is crying at a park of soft play because they want the toy my child has…I have zero compassion and just want said child to go away.

Whoever is about to cross the road and I could slow down and stop, I don’t, even if elderly. I simply don’t care.

If my toddler needs to use the disabled bathroom when we are out, and the baby changing is in there, I will actively rush past a wheelchair user on their way in (if I can manage it in a socially acceptable way). I don’t care that they may need it more than me/DD.

There’s lots more. I can be very kind and considerate but largely I think I’m mostly about myself/immediate family and couldn’t care less about anything else. I often think I will make up for this shitty behaviour later on in life. Then of course I don’t. How awful are these things? Am I just a bit shit?

Yea you're not coming across as a nice person but at least you can see it 🙈 some things are annoying, like the children getting upset about sharing toys example. But that's kids being kids and I try to give a life lesson in it.
Of course I feel bad about standing on a living creature or have empathy towards someone loosing a pet that they have loved and cared for. It sounds a bit alarming that you're naturally lacking this kind of empathy.

I don’t think you are on your own. I thought I made a mum friend when my children started school until one day my husband pointed out that that our kids could be on fire and she would say “oh that’s terrible - got to go, my son has a dental appointment”. He was utterly right and it really opened my eyes to how many people would frankly trample over others to meet their own ends.

Because its law or because you care?

See how you like it when the wheelchair user wheels into your child. I'm not in a wheelchair, but if you tried to push me out of the way for your kid or anyone else you'd get a smack across your chops.

@He1h I have read all of your posts, and only some of the others, so I hope that I don't keep on repeating what others have already said to you - apologies if I do!

OP you pretty much have to be born a psychopath to be a pschopath, so you can stop wondering whether you are or not, because from what you have told us about how you were as a child, you are definitely not a psychopath.

There is actually a name for the condition you are suffering from - and yes, I do believe that you are actually suffering. Unfortunately, due to my age - middle sixties - my ill health and my disabilities, and the amount of tablets I take every day - over 30 tablets a day - I cannot remember the name of the condition I am referring to, so to put it simply I will call it
"Life fatigue". A great many of us will suffer from this "Life Fatigue", and how much we suffer from it depends on many different criteria. One of the main things to affect us is how strong we are mentally, which again will depend on many different things in our lives eg: were both of our parents mentally healthy and strong, or their parents etc, as our DNA can be affected to a certain extent by our ancesters own mental health issues. In other words our own DNA is not just influenced by physical attributes.

I suppose that this often inconclusive area comes under that well known phrase, about whether certain aspects of our personalities are caused by nature or nurture? To which the answer often appears to be "both", to a lesser or greater degree, depending on any individuals personal background. I cannot explain all that I mean here, as it would need an academic thesis to even attempt it, and neither me or any Mumsnetters are up to suffering from any attempt I might make in that direction! Anyway, I am pretty sure that you, OP, and anyone else, who has had the stamina to stay with me so far, can fill in most of the blanks about how different childhood, and adulthood experiences, can and do affect how we end up being able to deal with all the shit life seems to like to throw at us.

I think that your resilience has probanly been beaten so low over the years OP, that you are indeed suffering from
"Life Fatigue", and I am so sorry that that is the case. PTSD comes under the umbrella of "Life Fatigue", and although you might not be suffering from any of the well known symptoms, such as flash backs, and/or terrible nightmares, I do believe that you might be suffering from a much more difficult to diagnose type of PTSD. Most of the well known reasons for aquiring PTSD, such as under war conditions, or a horrific accident, or suffering from a terrible assault by some low-life criminal, are already well documented, although very unfortunately, the correct care for such sufferers is often woefully under provided. The type of PTSD that I believe you may be suffering from OP is a much more insidious beast, but if left long enough, and with no treatment, it can become just as life threatening - in that too many people who have a PTSD diagnosis, but no adequate treatment, end up suicidal, or at least putting themselves at risk of very harmful behaviours - as the worst acute PTSD's sufferers.

From what you have shared with us here He1h, I don't think you are anywhere near being suicidal, as you also have some wonderful things happening in your life, like your dear small child, and you are probably being kept too busy to actually spend too much time dwelling on how you are really feeling. But that can change, and sometimes it is only what many people would consider a minor negative change, like another well known saying "the straw that broke the camel's back", that sends someone into a free-fall spiral drop. Hopefully, that just wouldn't ever happen to you OP, but I urge you to speak to your GP canidly about your increasingly unusual thoughts and behaviours, and to then - again hopefully - engage with the type of mental health counsellor that s/he recommends.

I have two more things to add, and I hope this bit is seen by all the people who have given the OP a hard time about the fact that when there is no queue for an accessible toilet/baby change, but there is a person in a wheelchair obviously heading for it, and the OP with her young child heading for it at the same time, in order to change her little ones nappy, she will speed up a bit so that she can get there first. I want to say that I can't really blame anyone for doing that, and that the biggest fault lies with the company - often a largish retail shop - for not providing seperate wheelchair and baby changing facilities. Motorway services are often guilty of the same thing. They want as much space as possible to sell their products, and are, therefore, very greedily, not willing to give up a little extra space in order to have seperate facilities for parents of young children, and wheelchair users. So, as a full-time wheelchair user myself, it is the companies that I hold the most to blame!

I have been a young, fit and healthy mum, in the days when nappy changing facilities were quite a rare phenomenon, and have changed, countless times, a small baby on a brought with me, tiny changing mat, on the floor of a grubby ladies toilet, or when even that wasn't available, in a tiny corner behind some clothes rails... So I know both the strong desire to use a proper changing table, and the sometimes urgent need to use the provided accessible toilet.

However, if anyone has ever been just behind me in the queue for a joint nappy change/accessible toilet, they have my utmost sympathy! My DH is my carer (this is relevant), and I unfortunately need him in the accessible toilet with me - I won't go into details - and it can take literally ages for me to use the toilet, even just for a wee, and my DH also has to use that toilet as I cannot be left on my own while he uses the gents toilet, so we can easily be in there for 20, or even 30 minutes! If a mum can change her baby relatively quickly, I would much rather she went into the toilet ahead of me! As I know my own disability, and I know my own bladder, I try to go to the toilet before it becomes urgent. However, to be prepared for the occassions when I am practically bursting, I am always sitting on a washable inco - incontinent - sheet, and I have at least one change of lower body clothes with me. Hopefully, most other disabled people who have my sort of bladder or bowel problems, will be similarly prepared. I also only leave the house on rare occassions, as going out, even for a few hours, is such a mammoth task, and I also don't want to be a nuisance to the general public.

One very last thing @He1h, from all that you have said up until me starting this essay, quite a while ago now, I think you are a lovely lady, who is both empathetic, and kind, but who is struggling at the moment with that very unpredictable thing, called life. Please ask for help 💐 xx

Does it matter what people think? Surely it matters more what they do?

You don't have to wait for virtuous thoughts before you start doing virtuous things. In fact, if you start doing things no matter how you feel about them, you often find your inner essence starts catching up with it later.

OP You seem to have a moral compass, but at the moment you don't always use it. Perhaps because life is hard work and it feels as if you’ve been dealt a shitty hand. In which case the solution is in two parts:

1 Find ways to make your own life more rewarding, so that you have more emotional energy and compassion to spare for other people.

Assuming you have reasonable financial, housing and food, clothes etc. security, you might want to consider whether your basic psychological needs are being met: you need to feel competent in a sphere of life that matters to you, whether that's professionally, as a homemaker or in some hobby or voluntary activity - so you're getting a sense of achievement. You also need autonomy: to feel in control of your life (within reason!) and able to make choices about your life. Finally, you need to feel connected with other people, to have a network of relationships with other people.

2 Actions count. Never mind that you don't care and don't get any warm glow from behaving like a nice person. How you feel won't matter to the person you help, sympathise with, show compassion for, if you're doing the right things. Of course your performance has to be perfect - you can't betray impatience or contempt - but it is what you do that counts.

You’ve got values (you mention trying to inculcate your daughter with them), so act on them. If a tough day makes you rude and impatient on your commute, acknowledge it and try to change. But also offset all your petty nastiness with some deliberate 'good deeds'. By which I mean find a better, easier way to make a positive difference to the world than giving up your seat on the bus to an older person when you're feeling tired and grumpy.

Something you’re good at will probably be easier, because more enjoyable. Perhaps find some volunteer work that uses your skills and aptitudes. Doesn't necessarily have to be a cause that's especially dear to you (remember you don't have to care, it doesn't have to give you a warm glow) so long as consulting your value system tells you it's worthwhile and the role fits your skills and schedule.

I suspect that consciously, deliberately doing the right thing would, before long, make you feel better. You would get reinforcement from other people and that should help to restore your emotional responses.

One final thing (and apologies if an earlier poster has already raised this): do you still get pleasure from activities and events that usually make you happy, give you pleasure or joy etc? If not then you need to talk to your GP because that's a key symptom of depression.

But she isn't 'naturally' lacking it! She had empathy and care when she was a child.

Yes you’re really horrible

Nope, you are a big shit.

yeah , you’re right, you do sound like a bit of a prick.

Was just about to say to listen to Adam Buxton interview Patric Gagne .

I agree. An uncouth, inconsiderate twat.

This is probably a trans teen posting.

I don't get that impression.

I think the world has a way of toughening us up, as sort of a survival mode I suppose. That part does seem to be lacking now, not giving things a second thought that others would be bothered about. I think we feel better about ourselves by making an effort to care about others - like slowing down for someone to cross a road.

If you don't care or can't care enough to ask "is this the right thing to do?" Before doing something that could profoundly impact another human being, then you're beyond help.

I'm not sure people pathologising you being a shit person is in any way helpful other than pointing out the obvious.

Have you considered that you might be autistic?

@He1h curious to know if you are an only child (sorry not rtft). I actually resonate with some of your examples.

For gods sake I agree/do/feel all of this (except pushing infront of a disabled person and not letting old person cross the road) and I’m a LOVELY person. Don’t worry about it. If you felt no kindness to anyone then I’d worry. But it’s those you have no connection with. It’s fine.

Tut tut.
Not typically the behaviour of a person who has autism.

Do you think you have been so downtrodden you have turned your feelings off. I think it might be worthwhile speaking to your GP just get some background tests even some talking therapy, not sure us randoms are the best to give advice. Wishing you some contentment.

You sound like a sociopath I hope I never come across someone like you.

You sound like youre quite proud of it and just want attention on here. Yes its odd behaviour but nobody really cares. Whats the point of the post?

Interesting! This is the bit that resonated with me most:

When someone’s child is crying at a park of soft play because they want the toy my child has…I have zero compassion and just want said child to go away!

I do get this and find it very irritating, but with the caveat that when my child is crying for someone else’s toy it annoys me as well and I don’t let him have it. I just don’t care for the noise. Whoever had it first gets to play with it and shouldn’t have to ‘share’ IMO, although it is good manners to encourage turn-taking with communal stuff.

Some of your other examples sound a bit sociopathic but I do understand them. I sometimes think if people knew how self-serving/ manipulative I actually am they would be a bit repulsed. I really don’t like animals, for example, but I pretend I do because it is socially expected. You should let disabled people use the toilet and not run people over though.