To think I’m not a nice person?

[He1h]

I CAN be nice but overall I don’t think I am. There are genuine sentiments I feels where I want to do the right thing or where I feel genuine empathy towards someone. Mainly family or close friends which I guess is normal.

But there’s so many things I hear about where I basically can’t understand how anyone could be bothered… examples…

Stepping on a snail or killing a spider in your home. I feel nothing, maybe a mild acknowledgment that it’s a bit cruel but a few seconds later I’m over it.

My friend’s family pet died when she was in her late twenties and she was devastated for around 3 weeks. I thought it was ridiculous (I didn’t say that obviously).

People getting bothered when they’re above the age of 18 and their birthday can’t be celebrated on that specific day.. who cares?!

Gender reveals… I literally could not give a fuck what gender your baby is, I do not want to have a ‘reveal’ because I am simply not interested.

When someone’s child is crying at a park of soft play because they want the toy my child has…I have zero compassion and just want said child to go away.

Whoever is about to cross the road and I could slow down and stop, I don’t, even if elderly. I simply don’t care.

If my toddler needs to use the disabled bathroom when we are out, and the baby changing is in there, I will actively rush past a wheelchair user on their way in (if I can manage it in a socially acceptable way). I don’t care that they may need it more than me/DD.

There’s lots more. I can be very kind and considerate but largely I think I’m mostly about myself/immediate family and couldn’t care less about anything else. I often think I will make up for this shitty behaviour later on in life. Then of course I don’t. How awful are these things? Am I just a bit shit?

Perhaps you have forgotten that other people, like you, have feelings and can be hurt?
Perhaps you have even forgotten that you have feelings and can be hurt?

I think you sound overwhelmed. And have (probably temporarily) shut down empathy as a kind of self protection because no one can take on every child wanting a toy, squashed snail, dithering stranger etc.

It's just a survival instinct.

Honestly you're not a sociopath or psychopath as if you were you wouldn't be considering your behaviour as abnormal at all.

I do agree with you about gender reveals. Everything else feels insensitive but the way you’re saying it is making me lol so I don’t know if you’re serious

I feel really sad for you, OP.

I’m in therapy at the moment for C-PTSD. I expressed to my therapist that I’m struggling to sympathise/empathise with people lately, and that, while it makes me feel bad, I really struggle to drum up an emotional response sometimes. It’s just like I’m watching something through a thick pane of glass.

Therapist explained that, when you’re dealing with trauma, your brain often numbs or dissociates, but that we’re not able to numb selectively. Could it be that you’ve been through some really tough stuff as well, and you’ve numbed yourself up as a protective mechanism.

I hope you can find it in you to change, OP. Sending you love, fwiw x

Sounds like a self-fulfilling prophecy. You don’t think you’re any good so what’s the point in being good.
For what it’s worth op, as someone who crosses a zebra crossing multiple times a day, half the time drivers don’t stop there and they don’t look like they give a shit. I’d say the fact you’re worried about being a good or bad shows you aren’t a bad person.
Why not conduct a little experiment and do the “good thing” for a week and see if you feel better?

I kind of relate OP. I know I am actually a very kind and caring person. I would still never do things like barge past a wheelchair user (or anyone) though. I've been very generous to people in my life time, very empathetic. I know I am, deep down, a nice person.

Life has given some severe trauma over the past years though and I find it hard to find that care anymore. I know it's because I don't have the emotional energy to feel much. I care about me and mine and what I need to care about, and not one bit beyond that. I just don't have the energy. I'm not an awful person but I aren't the same nice person I used to be either. I think I'm just in survival mode.

100%. She’s raising an arsehole and will no doubt be surprised when this child screws her over later in life

When I'm stressed I completely dissociate and feel like I'm walking around in a dream. It takes a while (days!) for me to even notice sometimes. I hate it because I feel like I'm not connected to my DD properly and I don't want it to affect her.

It sounds like you're stressed and depressed and you've dissociated from reality a bit. You sound numb. Yes your actions are those of a dickhead but I think the fact you used to be OK and you're worried about your lack of empathy shows maybe it's something more disordered regarding your mental health rather than a bad personality!

I'd seek therapy, learn about mindfulness and try to give yourself space to stop, think and breathe. I think you'll come around ❤

These are very similar to the questions on the autism assessment for a parent to comment and answer for their child.

If it bothers you, you could see if that might be a reason 💐💐💐

I think some of the examples are selfish and thoughtless (others not that big a deal .. noone cares about a gender reveal!). Can you not put yourself in the position of the other person easily? That's what makes most people behave kindly, that and social norms and worry that others are watching judging. I also want to be part of a community where people treat each other well and it makes me happy to be part of that in my own small way. Maybe you are feeling a bit tuned out of society / other people, in your own bubble trying to get through each day and not really feeling connected.

I agree with you, you aren’t very nice.

I honestly dont know how to vote. You sound like you have an injury to the emotional processing part of your brain and its resulting in sociopathic behaviours. I'd talk to my doctor of I was you.

Perimenopause?

Yep, rushing past someone in a wheelchair is pretty unforgivable.

I'm a bit confused here - I see people behaving like this all the time and getting away with it. I think there must be something wrong with me too because I always thought that those who don't give a shit were actually admired, based on my life experience (and they're always keen to do lots of virtue signalling things like donating to charity and telling everyone about it).

@numbfromlife has a good take on it, I know I've felt the same sometimes. I think the OP saying look something is amiss here, why am I like this, is a hugely positive step. Start with some counselling OP, see what you uncover.

I thought this was going to be a thread from the point of view of Eleanor Shellstrop of The Good Place. But actually, maybe watching The Good Place might help you work out what has changed for you?

Everything is fine imo except for rushing past a wheelchair user who is going to the wheelchair bathroom. You will pay for that in some way as it is nasty.

I agree with some of these, I don’t dwell on killing spiders and gender reveals are stupid.

I assume you have never had a pet though. If you one and it died, you would understand your friend.

The fact you have written this shows you have some empathy as you are self aware that something isn’t right. Are you a bit burnt out from motherhood and having to care and do so much there is no bandwidth to be kind all time time.

It’s a weird list because some of it is normal and some isn’t.

I don’t you know you, OP. We all have different characters and you could start a thread about all your positives too that would balance it out.

I don’t think anyone can call a total stranger a good or bad person based on a few lists of thoughts they have on any given day. I was stuck in horrendous traffic earlier, it was very stressful for various reason that I won’t go in to but I was so rage induced by the end that I wish I had a gun to shoot someone’s tyres out because they were going 20 below the speed limit for no reason. I don’t think that makes me a bad person, just human:

So it’s you who runs the lights at the pedestrian crossings op?!

I found the first few examples somewhat understandable till this. You don’t have to let pedestrians cross but you should still be taking them into consideration and driving with due care and attention. If a pedestrian has right of way then they could easily take them into consideration decision to start crossing.

A lack of empathy can be a sign of quite a few different conditions. And women tend to be very good at learning to mask in social situations.

It sounds like this does trouble you, and possibly interferes with your relationships too. Maybe you could reach out to a therapist and get some clarity on what is going on with you.

I think you sound selfish (disabled toilet, elderly person) and not very sympathetic (dead pet) but clearly not an awful person as you’re reflecting on it and realising that it’s perhaps not the nicest behaviour. You aren’t actively hurting people yourself; you just aren’t that arsed by what doesn’t affect or benefit you. I don’t give a shit about gender reveals or kids who want toys either, and I think adults who tell everyone it’s their birthday and then expect a fuss are irritatingly needy. However, the dead pet I totally have compassion for. We can all have a bit of a streak of something. Some people will criticise you but they’ll never compliment their friends, or backstab people they know. That’s probably worse than not giving much of a crap about complete strangers. Do you give to charity or do anything which requires you to give without receiving?

Give Jon Ronsons psychopath test a read!

I'd not be surprised if you were male and drove a BMW