Grandparents don’t help us out at all

[Yellowheart79]

hello mummies!

I’m well aware grandparents don’t owe me a living and aren’t required to help with their grandkids if they don’t want to. But I need to vent this one out.

In a nutshell, my in-laws are retired. They’ve moved home 8 times in 10 years because they don’t have ‘emotional attachment’ to their houses. They keep taking on renovation projects (which is fine and a great project in their retirement to stay busy). But they have 3 grandchildren under the age of 3 who can never visit them as their houses are always building sites. Their latest one is the worst yet. It’s completely unliveable (but they still live in it). Carpet tacs everywhere. Stairs without a banister. PVA glue on the walls to stop the dust and mould going into the air (their logic).

We live 2 hours away and they can never come because of their extracurricular activities (no joke). Art clubs. Voluntary charity shop work.

We asked if they wanted a visit sometime soon but they have tradespeople coming all the time
and can’t get a dog sitter (our house is rented and is pet-free). Plus my MiL mentions her weekly art class which is not to be missed. Even though she has a 10-week old grandson.

sigh.

I try to involve them in our lives and the lives of their grandchildren.

she has also sent me passive aggressive articles about nature / nurture and how nurturing your child doesn’t matter as it’s all genetics anyway. Clearly having a dig at my firm but fair gentle parenting style. I despair, I really do. Just need to vent…

Honestly save yourself a whole lot of grief and accept them for who they are now.

Focus on what they can or will do:
This might be limited to buying impractical outfits and posing for photos like my useless MIL who looks like shes never held a baby despite having had 2 children herself

Send pics once in a while and facilitate contact 3-4 times per year. Job done.

Vent away. Just as well they live 2 hours away, saves you having to bother. (I'd miss an art class for my GC in a heartbeat)

I’ve said you’re being unreasonable as you need to accept this is who they are. You’ll feel so much better when you do. Sorry.

Mother of a severely disabled child, 24 hour care and vigilance, mil rocks up sees the mess of me,malnourished no sleep for three weeks at this one stage,crying,i beg her to watch my child minding she never has in 10 years,her response??ive got my own life. Yes i get it.

You can lead a horse to water....

YANBU

But so what really? Withdraw your attention and live a life without them. If your DH misses them he can sort it.

I don’t get this at all - just accept them for who they are. They won’t change and it’s better for your blood pressure. Let Them…

I’m so so sorry you don’t receive practical help from her. Sending a huge hug xxx

@Lafufufu is right.

I get it as I have pretty hands on gps, it really makes a difference. But it's their choice.

Who cares! They're living their lives as they wish, you and your family should do likewise. They're not interested, send them pictures twice / three times a year, job done!

We also do alot for gps as it's normal for us all to help each out.

Nothing you can do OP, just be grateful that you dont owe them anything. If they want help in the future serve them back all the excuses they made and take no interest in their lives and concerns.

But they're entitled to prefer their lives as they are aren't they? Some people are just not interested in children, even those related to them.

You need to accept the reality of their disinterest for your own sake.

Of course if they look to you for help in the future you can keep your own distance - and tell them why!

Just take a step back and let them come to you when they want to. You’ve tried. Accept they’re uninterested grandparents and will realise that when their grandchildren have little interest in them.
As for the articles she sends. Completely ignore. If they get too much say something.

I must be built different because it still hurts years later that those who should be there for you arent,ive not got a minute looking after my severely disabled son,but I'd never ever say no to helping or seeing my other childrens children.if you love them youd be there for them,thats it,simple

You can’t control the way people behave. You can only control your reaction to their behaviour. I appreciate your frustration, but I would stop trying so hard to facilitate contact. Just a bright and breezy: see you when we see you, have fun with your art class etc is fine. It’s disappointing they don’t want to have a closer relationship with grandchildren, but their choice.

I feel for you OP and can understand your frustration.
As a GP who is actively involved in their gc's lives I simply can't understand those that aren't.
However, your situation is far from unique OP.
Take care of yourself and your family and don't waste your time or energy on hoping they will change. You have enough to deal with

My husband left me with three under four. Just after, my parents made their move abroad!

They are all adults and make their own choices. My parents chose the life they wanted, abroad.

You cannot expect to control other adults @Yellowheart79

I think its normal these days. My parents are in their early 60's. One retired, no hobby's, no friends, no commitments. They haven't visited us in years and we are less than an.hour away. Of course I am 'expected" to drive up for every birthday/anniversary/Christmas dinner.

They’re your husband’s parents: let him deal with them

My DM never so much as changed a nappy for my DD and I really couldn’t care less. She moved miles away and has no interest. So why would I want her in my DDs life? Huffing and puffing and making her feel like a burden? I like having DD to myself. Yes, it would have been nice to have this grandma relationship that everyone goes on about but I never had any grandparents so have no idea what DD is missing out on. Just write them off and crack on with enjoying being a mum.

Gawd, I’m a MIL and I can’t stand this gentle parenting malarkey where the parents are terrified of the child getting mildly upset or god forbid, being bored for a nanosecond. No bedtime routine and the children running rings around their parents. 🤣

Luckily our adult DC who follow this mantra live a long distance away and we only visit occasionally.

OP, I suspect they find your parenting style evokes lots of eye rolls and is actually very stressful for them to endure!

Please don’t tell me that you do it, @bettycrocker 😱😱😱😱😱😱

Gosh, can people really not understand that it’s quite upsetting to realise that your children won’t have a relationship with their grandparents? Which must be all the more hard if you yourself had a lovely relationship with your own.

No, they won’t change and yes, better to just leave it, but all those “I can’t see what the problem is” types are just really unimaginative and unempathetic. The OP said she just wanted to vent.

I'm so very sorry OP.. that's terrible..