Grandparents don’t help us out at all

[Yellowheart79]

hello mummies!

I’m well aware grandparents don’t owe me a living and aren’t required to help with their grandkids if they don’t want to. But I need to vent this one out.

In a nutshell, my in-laws are retired. They’ve moved home 8 times in 10 years because they don’t have ‘emotional attachment’ to their houses. They keep taking on renovation projects (which is fine and a great project in their retirement to stay busy). But they have 3 grandchildren under the age of 3 who can never visit them as their houses are always building sites. Their latest one is the worst yet. It’s completely unliveable (but they still live in it). Carpet tacs everywhere. Stairs without a banister. PVA glue on the walls to stop the dust and mould going into the air (their logic).

We live 2 hours away and they can never come because of their extracurricular activities (no joke). Art clubs. Voluntary charity shop work.

We asked if they wanted a visit sometime soon but they have tradespeople coming all the time
and can’t get a dog sitter (our house is rented and is pet-free). Plus my MiL mentions her weekly art class which is not to be missed. Even though she has a 10-week old grandson.

sigh.

I try to involve them in our lives and the lives of their grandchildren.

she has also sent me passive aggressive articles about nature / nurture and how nurturing your child doesn’t matter as it’s all genetics anyway. Clearly having a dig at my firm but fair gentle parenting style. I despair, I really do. Just need to vent…

There’s nothing you can do OP they just don’t want to grandparent and it’s going to take a while for you to accept that but the sooner you do the better.

You have tried from your end but they’re are the ones who should be reaching out trying to make time for the GC. Pull back and stop being the planner and let them make the effort should they wish to.

I'm trying to pull back more as I'm now pregnant with twins.
Trouble is my mum is very manipulative and knows exactly how to guilt trip me. When I was naughty as a child she would always have an asthma attack that she said I had caused with my bad behaviour.

I think your ILs are missing out on so much. Bring a GP is one of the most wonderful things in life. Unfortunately there is not a lot you can do and if people won’t visit you it is time to cut down on the contact.

Be strong, you can do it Betty. You have the perfect excuse: “Mum, I’m exhausted with Jack & Jill so we’re staying at home but you’re welcome to visit over the Christmas period! She/they won’t! #result

Mine are retired, live ten minutes away, and haven’t seen my primary age kids in about 6 months. On that occasion they said hello and goodbye and otherwise pretty much ignored the kids, one of whom wants to go into the same career they did and was trying really hard to engage and ask questions. They’re just not interested - their loss! You can’t make them be interested, it’s better for your mental health if you just accept that’s who they are, keep the door open, and focus on other people.

You have 3 under 3.

You're using a parenting style they aren't cool with.

They are retired and renovating a house.

They live 2 hours away.

They have multiple planned activities.

Your expectations that they do babysitting or "helping" with your kids, unreasonable. Facetime, send photos, but accept they're not your backups and get some paid childcare if you need help.

I bet if you pull back and stop trying to engage them, they will soon come running, full of woeful stories of how they never see or hear anything of the GC.

If your MIL doesn't agree with your parenting style then it is probably for the best she is this hands off. Imagine if she was always popping by or overly involved undermining your parenting style or constantly there to witness and comment on it?

Given the dynamic, I'd look on the bright side.

You want something you could never have with this woman.

You can only accept them for what they are. Don't put yourself out for them in future if they aren't willing to make the effort for you. When they're older and wondering why they aren't close to their grandchildren and expect you to help them, don't!

People might think that's cold, but you reap what you sow. Too many women running themselves ragged, working full time jobs, parenting teenagers, going through menopause and looking after their aging parents and inlaws when they got very little help in the baby and young children years.

Why would they? They don't sound like they are interested in small children and have busy fulfilling lives of their own.

The idea that 'everyone is desperate to see their GC/be a grandparent' baffles me. Some people aren't.

I’ve seen it the other way about too. They spend their younger years raising children then spend their 50s and 60s(Sometimes beyond, especially now that people tend to have children later in life) helping out, often more than one day a week, with multiple grandkids even though they’re worn out and overwhelmed then they get little to no help from their children when they’re older.

I agree. There must be millions of women that had children because it was the done thing wether they felt motherly instincts or not. They got through the tough decades of raising a family, found freedom, discovered who they are, got into hobbies and social things.. and suddenly you’re expected to slip into the motherly role again. I can imagine the resistance.

As you say, they are entitled to live as they wish. Their lives, their retirement, their DIY projects..

Just stop trying. Get on with having a lovely summer with your dcs and forget about them.

My parents are dead op but my mil doesn't seem to give a shit about any of her grandchildren from what I can see. Yanbu. I cannot understand people like this. Remember this when they are elderly and need your help.

Why does it bother you so much?

You’ve described their home in such detail - who cares if they live in a building site? You don’t have to live there, so why does it bother you? If they don’t mind living that way, it’s up to them, and no concern of yours.

If you had a close relationship with your own grandparents, then of course you’d like that for your own children. But you can’t force people to act according to your wishes, or hint, or encourage- people will do what they want to do. Life’s easier when you realise that. The only person you can control is yourself, no one else. Leave them to their renovations, concentrate on your own little family and be happy.

You’ll find happiness when you stop trying & caring. She’s not interested. People spend their time exactly as they wish.

My fil lived 40 mins away with new wife and literally didn't see us or contact us for 2 yrs at a time. Had no interest at all in the dgc for almost 12yrs. Then he divorced and moved back to within 5 mins of us...and he expects this close family relationship in his old age. Needless to say, we don't make much effort with him.

You think they’re missing out - but they don’t. And it’s their life and family. It’s not important to them. We have to accept people as they are, and some people have different priorities. Others might not like it, but they can’t force people to change.

Accept that they're not interested and stop making any effort. Let your DH communicate with his parents if he wants to. Concentrate on the people in your life that matter.

Most of my friends do not have any family to help them. Well they have families but they don’t help regularly or otherwise - even if they live within 40mins of each other.

it is a shame

the phrase “it takes a village to raise a child” is absolutely spot on. We were not supposed to raise our children by ourselves whilst holding down jobs, long term relationships, mental & physical health and friendships

often it is our health or our marriages that burn out.

nor were the GPs supposed to get old and lonely and left rattling around homes with loads of clutter and the smell of ill health, relying on neighbours or taxis to get them to / from hospital appointments when they cannot manage the bus or there is no bus in the countryside…..

but it is what it is.

they made their beds so they can lie in them.

I just find it very sad.

Stop trying. Leave it to them to contact you and arrange something. You can always refuse to go to theirs

It’s sad that the in-laws don’t want to build a relationship but their life their choice. Same as for you and the dc when they are elderly and ask for you to visit to help them. My in-laws were very unhelpful for a number of years (in real emergencies) so when they demand help now I don’t feel compelled to rush over.

That is not what gentle parenting is

My dh said exactly the same thing! They definitely won't come so should be a peaceful Christmas.

To be fair, and accurate, I don't see that people have said that, they've said, as I would, that these people have the right to be and live their lives however they want.

For all we know they may not much have enjoyed their hands-on parenting years, not everyone does as many posts on MN confirm. They are happy with their lives and it's their life to enjoy.

The OP can feel about it however she wants of course but I think acceptance is better than continued frustration. You do you OP and accept that they are doing them.