Grandparents don’t help us out at all

[Yellowheart79]

hello mummies!

I’m well aware grandparents don’t owe me a living and aren’t required to help with their grandkids if they don’t want to. But I need to vent this one out.

In a nutshell, my in-laws are retired. They’ve moved home 8 times in 10 years because they don’t have ‘emotional attachment’ to their houses. They keep taking on renovation projects (which is fine and a great project in their retirement to stay busy). But they have 3 grandchildren under the age of 3 who can never visit them as their houses are always building sites. Their latest one is the worst yet. It’s completely unliveable (but they still live in it). Carpet tacs everywhere. Stairs without a banister. PVA glue on the walls to stop the dust and mould going into the air (their logic).

We live 2 hours away and they can never come because of their extracurricular activities (no joke). Art clubs. Voluntary charity shop work.

We asked if they wanted a visit sometime soon but they have tradespeople coming all the time
and can’t get a dog sitter (our house is rented and is pet-free). Plus my MiL mentions her weekly art class which is not to be missed. Even though she has a 10-week old grandson.

sigh.

I try to involve them in our lives and the lives of their grandchildren.

she has also sent me passive aggressive articles about nature / nurture and how nurturing your child doesn’t matter as it’s all genetics anyway. Clearly having a dig at my firm but fair gentle parenting style. I despair, I really do. Just need to vent…

Just as well they live 2 hours away, saves you having to bother.

If they lived closer though a half hour here & there that fits around other stuff might be possible.

Of course there's still no guarantee that they'd bother.

We used to be an hour away & it often seemed an effort & that you had to go for most of the day.

When that was limited to weekends it was often easier not to bother.

In our family its if you want kids and have kids you look after them dont get others to do your job.
Dont want more responsibility dont make babies.

Its down to others to live how they want.
I was 1 and done had him young shit happens hes an adult now i remember how hard it was with just one no way would i do it again my son dont want kids so all good there.
I dont babysit for anyone either.
Im young and free now to do me things again.

Whenever I see threads like this about uninvolved or uncaring grandparents I think about the current declining birthrates and I do wonder if they had actually wanted children but had them anyway because that was the 'done thing' years ago.

Yep, that’s what it sounds like to me too…

What were they like as parents when DH was little? Is he close with them and wants to see them more? You tone mention him at all. Maybe they’ve never really liked children and he and they are fine with the existing dynamic, if so stop trying to push water uphill and changing it.

People can only give you what they have to give and will only give you what they choose to give. Neither of those may be what you would like. Accept it and move on. PS sealing dusty walls with PVA is a good idea and does keep the airbourne particles down.

I am in the same boat. No grandparents help or even visit the children. My girls are teens now and they only like one grandparent because he's friendly and cannot help because he's disabled (I care for him instead!) When the others (husband's side including step) visit to ask my husband for a favour or to borrow something, they run upstairs and avoid them. They don't like them because they know they are not liked by them. I do think it's incredibly short sighted of the grandparents. One day they'll need the grandchildren to pick up milk/bread etc. But mine aren't ever going to do that. What I'm saying is, it's their loss. It takes years to bond and develop a relationship. Grandparents cannot suddenly expect grandchildren to appear when they're house bound, and want company. They're virtually strangers who actively avoid each other.

You must be reading a different thread to me then, because scanning back through I can see several including 2 on page 1, including someone who seems to think that the OP’s PILs aren’t grandparents, they’re “backup”, not something the OP has implied at all.

I'm surprised so many posts are basically telling the op to get over it and they're entitled to be like this. Yes people can choose the level of contact they want...but, if my parents were still alive and had no interest in my DC I'd be absolutely devastated. I'm not even sure I could maintain a relationship with them. I am often baffled as to how accepting my dh is with regards to his mum's lack of interest in her GC.

You haven’t mentioned your own parents OP, are they more involved?

It’s really shit OP. Like others have said you can’t make them care or to want to be involved in your lives - it sounds like they have shown multiple times where their priorities lie - and it’s with their hobbies and projects. They are entitled to do this but it doesn’t stop the hurt for you, or prevent the lack of grandparent/ grandchild relationship.
you and DH need to identify your own boundary and stick to it - plan how many times a year and when/ where you will see them and stick to it. If they come crawling back in years to come because they are bored of their projects/ hobbies and realise they don’t have much of a relationship with the grandkids then it’s up to you and DH as to whether you want to change your boundary or keep on the way you are.

Think of what you've got, not what you haven't.
Families are all different.

They sound awful. I pity you.

I can see both sides. On the one hand their lives sound very exciting. On the other they sound, aloof, distant and uncaring. That is obviously disappointing. You just have to understand that this is who they are and you won't change them. Don't try to involve them any more. Keep an emotional distance. You reap what you sow though, so towards the end you won't owe them anything either.

My in-laws never had any interest in any of our children. But they would complain that they never saw them…. So when I suggested we make an effort to mesh them socially (no childcare expected) my FIL said “well we have very busy lives” and shut the conversation down . Basically they wanted to appear like loving grandparents to their friends etc but not actually be loving grandparents…. They lived 20 mins away from us, were both retired and extremely well off. Their busy lives were playing bowls.

they were the same with their youngest son and his family who lived 10mins away (they even forgot their daughters first birthday) but the middle son (golden child) who lived over 100 miles away, a good 2.5-3 hour car journey, they’d drop everything to see them or do stuff with or for them.

its hurtful OP, I get it. The only way to stop it hurting is to decide to match their energy. I haven’t seen them in years now, they’ve probably seen our 13 year old maybe 8 times over his entire life. Not expecting anything from them makes it easier to get nothing back.

I imagine your adult DC are equally grateful for the distance. It might even have been a tactical move to get away from you.

The OP's thread title literally says "Grandparents don't help us out at all" so yes, they do want back-up.

OP welcome to my world. I had no help whatsoever from neither my darling parents or PIL? We did have children later in life which was our choice but it was hard and it was sad when mine were babies and we couldn’t socialise as a couple with our friends as we had no sitters. I really just wanted mine to see my DC more, to love them and have a nice relationship. I didn’t expect free childcare and came to expect nothing at all. Especially while one of my siblings got all the help and her DC got all the love and affection it was like rubbing salt in my wounds.

How old are your IL’s?

I would get used to this now their loss. Life will and does get easier honestly and they are missing out.

But unfortunately you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink. Or read Mel Robbins ‘Let them’. So basically, let them do and prioritise house renovations and art classes if they are showing you and telling you this is their priority not grandchildren. Upsetting as it is. Leave them to it. But let you build up a full busy social life for you and your little family. It does get easier and better as they get older trust me mine are in their twenties now. I/we only visit now on our terms it is freeing. I don’t feel guilty for having fun now they are older and less mobile and when my DC are home from Uni I don’t pressurise them into visiting as they have never really shown us that much love and or affection preferring to shower this on their PFB GC over and over again.

This will come back to bite your IL’s on the bum sooner or later. It’s no help to you now. All you can do is offer and if they choose to repeatedly rebuff your invitation their choice. You can do this honestly. I had two DC really close together. I thought my DC were missing out but they have turned out lovely and are both doing very well. Take care OP.

They are who they are - uninterested in your kids. And that’s ok. In the not too long future your kids will be older and more self sufficient. Your ILs will be older too and it will be your turn to be not interested in them and whatever help they need.

Accept who they are - you don’t have to accept their behaviour is ok.

They’re uninterested in their own grandchildren, which is never going to look good. Maintain polite contact.

One small upside; the distance they’ve made between you is going to come in remarkably handy when they need care and/go senile.

It was my mum who had no interest whatsoever in her grandchildren. She'd talk about them in sentimental terms when they weren't there, but paid them no attention at all when they were.

She wasn't bothered about coming to visit, or us visiting her (1.5 hours away), but that was quite freeing. My in-laws were the opposite, so we were able to spend lots of lovely time with them (2.5 hours away), knowing that we wouldn't be guilted about it, nor would we need to share our GP-available time with mum.

You've tried to facilitate a relationship with them. I'd just leave them to it now and let them come to you.

I understand now that my parents love in their ‘own way’ they will help out with school runs if we are busy ( self employed so work does fluctuate) if we ask they would help but we don’t need ‘help’ we just wanted our kids to have a relationships with their GP’s but sadly it’s very functional and not a nurturing Relationship. We have very low contact with them now and quite frankly it’s their loss and what goes around comes around in my book. I hope you can get some respite soon, people are just so cruel