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AIBU?

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Original poster

Hostile and entitled man hijacking my table

596 replies

BluntPlumHam · 14/08/2025 16:22

I stopped to have some lunch at a busy market where there is a lot of seating however often taken up so some waiting around.

Often a woman dining on her own or having coffee may ask to share a table which I always agree to.

I was sat at a table for 4 already eating.

Man and woman approach and ask if they can share my table.

I asked is it just you two and pointed at the seats opposite me and he nodded. So I said ok because it was super busy.

Seconds later a third person joins and I’m now encircled by their group. I took my headphones out and said hang on you didn’t say there were three of you?

He immediately got hostile and red in the face and said you need to go find a table for one person.

I put my cutlery down and said you need to move. He started blathering on about being allowed to voice his opinion and I just said no and firmly said leave because I wasn’t about to engage in a discussion or argument with this man child.

He started throwing a tantrum exclaiming that he’s not leaving puffing his chest out etc and his wife was trying to calm him down and kept apologising to me. He was clearly ready to have a stand off with me. I just turned to her, your husband is hostile, harassing me now and I want you to all leave to which she eventually said ok and that we will go find another table. He reluctantly left but not without trying to start a fight with me I just remained firm and resilient. Just kept repeating sternly you all need to leave now and find another table.

Wife was visibly embarrassed by his behaviour and grabbed my arm and sincerely apologised.

I just feel that a certain culture of general hostility towards women is being normalised in this day and age. Although I initially allowed him to sit there when I realised this was a group I revoked that permission but men can’t take a no for an answer.

Despite me doing them a favour and letting them sit there he had the audacity to get angry with me when I questioned the third person and tell me to go find another table midway my food. They did not have their food yet.

Men feel entitled to encroach and stay in women’s personal space even when bluntly told to go. Would it have been different had I been a man, absolutely.

AIBU for making them leave.

OP posts:
Cabinqueen · 14/08/2025 18:16

ilovesooty · 14/08/2025 16:38

That's how I saw it too.

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Me too...

MaidOfSteel · 14/08/2025 18:19

BluntPlumHam · 14/08/2025 17:27

I didn’t say it’s normal. Read again. I said occasionally a lone woman would ask to share my table and I’d be ok with it when ut was busy. Not that the booth like tables are typically shared. There are loads of lone people sitting at them because that’s where the sockets are etc others don’t join them unless it’s a single person who would sit on the other end.

There is another area which is entirely communal like a bench where you can’t expect to have it to yourself but the tables absolutely not the norm for 3 to encircle 1 or vice versa.

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You didn’t say occasionally in your OP, you said often.

I wonder though if a miscommunication happened when they asked to share the table. You said you had your earphones in so might have misheard their reply when you pointed at the 2 seats, then agreed. I wonder if it might’ve been noisy and they just saw you point and say yes, so took it as agreement.

RhaenysRocks · 14/08/2025 18:20

MikeRafone · 14/08/2025 17:54

I wonder how many people on this thread go and eat solo

If this was a thread about someone wanting to join a table and there was her and another and the person said no you can't join me on this table. It'd be a totally different thread - people would say you have not right to sit down and jin that table.

Its all in the original story on here as to which way the wind blows

I eat solo all the time. Why do posters always do this? Try and undermine the opinions they don't agree with by doubting their veracity or experience? Is it so impossible to imagine that some people do or don't have a problem with different things to you?

HÆLTHEPAIN · 14/08/2025 18:20

NRTFT but for those saying they can understand why she was ok with 2 but not 3 on a table of 4 seems quite clear to me. Assuming they were square/rectangular, 2 extra people would be opposite OP, but a third would presumably have to sit next to her. I wouldn’t be particularly comfortable with that either.

And for those saying she was expecting to hog a table of 4 for herself, well that’s not the case is it, considering she was happy for a couple to sit there. YANBU.

MemorableTrenchcoat · 14/08/2025 18:21

LittleBitofBread · 14/08/2025 18:07

They're not different really. In a communal eating set-up, everyone has paid for and is entitled to sit to eat their food.

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They are quite different. The train journey is subject to the National Conditions of Carriage. You may not get any seat, of course, but you're entitled to sit anywhere that's not reserved, and three passengers travelling together are perfectly entitled to sit at a table occupied by a lone traveller. They would not even need to ask, and the lone traveller would never have grounds to stop someone sitting there.

Letstheriveranswer · 14/08/2025 18:21

BluntPlumHam · 14/08/2025 16:54

There are spots like that such as the benches of various sizes etc where you share but I was sat in an area where it’s booth on one side chairs on the other and you will find lots of single occupants at the 4 table. It’s not usual to share those tables because they don’t have a communal vibe.

For those of you saying you see it as a norm to sit at table at a busy cafe where one person is already sat would never actually practice that in reality 🙄

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If it's a very busy and casual kind of eating place it's very odd that single people would each take a table for 4! Usually some single people would double up and share a table (sitting diagonally from each other and avoiding eye contact) so that groups can sit together.

B0D · 14/08/2025 18:22

My point was about how easy it is to become overwhelmed by 3 people rather than 2 sitting with you. So not exactly the same no

Of course everyone has a seat on a train but it’s more about how we behave in that social situation and “take over” the space. If a quiet group of three were joined on a table by a very loud and dominating single who proceeded to shout on their phone, fart, pick their nose and spread their legs. I would imagine them being equally annoyed for good reason

LeftieRightsHoarder · 14/08/2025 18:22

dynamiccactus · 14/08/2025 18:16

Since when has it been normal for people to share tables in the UK?

Sometimes you do it if it's a big table and it's really busy but it's not a common occurrence like in other countries.

However, I think if you say 2 people can share with you, it's immaterial if it's then 3

I think it always has been normal. Maybe not in a posh restaurant or hotel, but in ordinary cafes, pubs and outdoor areas. The expectation, in my lifelong experience, is that the newcomer asks to share and the occupant allows it.

Whattodo1610 · 14/08/2025 18:25

Sorry Op but you’re being very unreasonable and very entitled! What you describe is a seating area where anyone can sit - not a cafe/restaurant etc. You get food, go find a seat, eat food. There are areas like this all over the place so I can’t imagine you’ve never come across this before. You were bang out of order. It’s not your table to take charge of.

LittleBitofBread · 14/08/2025 18:25

MemorableTrenchcoat · 14/08/2025 18:21

They are quite different. The train journey is subject to the National Conditions of Carriage. You may not get any seat, of course, but you're entitled to sit anywhere that's not reserved, and three passengers travelling together are perfectly entitled to sit at a table occupied by a lone traveller. They would not even need to ask, and the lone traveller would never have grounds to stop someone sitting there.

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Is a food market subject to something that says if you're on your own at a table for four you're entitled to dictate who sits at it with you and how many people?

LittleBitofBread · 14/08/2025 18:26

LeftieRightsHoarder · 14/08/2025 18:22

I think it always has been normal. Maybe not in a posh restaurant or hotel, but in ordinary cafes, pubs and outdoor areas. The expectation, in my lifelong experience, is that the newcomer asks to share and the occupant allows it.

Edited
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I also don't understand the claim that this happens 'in other countries' but not in the UK.

Justgoodforthegetting · 14/08/2025 18:27

Delphinium20 · 14/08/2025 16:49

Some posters are either ignoring or unaware that a hostile man losing his temper with a lone woman can be jarring at best, terrifying at worst. Men getting angry at women is a massive problem because men always have the advantage over us physically and most often socially.

Oh come off it! Anger is a perfectly reasonable emotion under certain circumstances, how one deals with it is where problems occur.
But men are allowed to get annoyed at women, just like women are allowed to be annoyed at men, because, just like men, some women are dicks.

Obviously I’m not suggesting it’s reasonable for men to go round thumping the women in their lives or subjecting them to violence or emotional abuse, but to suggest that it’s in Some way abnormal for any man to ever feel angry towards any woman is bananas.

OP, I think you were BU.

IchiNiSanShiGo · 14/08/2025 18:29

HÆLTHEPAIN · 14/08/2025 18:20

NRTFT but for those saying they can understand why she was ok with 2 but not 3 on a table of 4 seems quite clear to me. Assuming they were square/rectangular, 2 extra people would be opposite OP, but a third would presumably have to sit next to her. I wouldn’t be particularly comfortable with that either.

And for those saying she was expecting to hog a table of 4 for herself, well that’s not the case is it, considering she was happy for a couple to sit there. YANBU.

Exactly this! Especially as it was in a booth, so whoever was on the inside would have had no way to get out without asking someone to move. It’s such a different prospect than a table for 4, with 4 moveable seats. OP is NBU.

MrsJeanLuc · 14/08/2025 18:29

I voted YABU because if the place was busy and they had food but nowhere to sit, then I think it's unreasonable to "hog" a table for 4.

But I am full of admiration for you facing them down like that. Well done you!

MemorableTrenchcoat · 14/08/2025 18:30

LittleBitofBread · 14/08/2025 18:25

Is a food market subject to something that says if you're on your own at a table for four you're entitled to dictate who sits at it with you and how many people?

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Of course not. But it's obviously a bit more nuanced in a food market, hence the voting split. On public transport, no one is ever in a position to dictate where other passengers sit, or refuse a polite request to sit beside them. Unless, of course, they're occupying someone else's reserved seat.

Pigsinblankets13 · 14/08/2025 18:31

HowToTrainYourDragonfruit · 14/08/2025 16:39

When the market is busy one person can't keep a table for 4 I'm afraid. There were three spaces so a group of 3 could sit there. It is a bit annoying but if there were not three spaces together elsewhere I don't think you get to tell them they can't use the table.

I understand that you thought 2 people wss OK but not 3, but there isn't really much you can do other than saying "oh dear'to yourself internally. The thing that's weird is you sort of policing the table and telling them they can sit there and then "revoking your permssion" - it isnt up to you really and it feels rather officious.

The thing I would object to is that they hadn't got their food yet, but were sitting down -that's a bit rubbish as there might have been people with food purchased already, waiting. But again, that doesn't affect OP, because she already had a place.

I wasn't there so they might have had a nasty bloky vibe and not been polite, but I feel like it was OP being U - sorry!

Agree with this!

BestZebbie · 14/08/2025 18:31

I agree that the norm is that the person about to join the table asks - but they are not asking your permission, they are asking if the seats are actually free (e.g.: you might be sitting with a friend who has just nipped to the loo, etc). Once it is clear that they are currently free, they have the right to sit in them whether you like it or not (although they don't have the right to insist you talk to them or to get shirty with you).

WimpoleHat · 14/08/2025 18:32

The expectation, in my lifelong experience, is that the newcomer asks to share and the occupant allows it.

Exactly. It’s a form of words - nobody is genuinely asking for or granting permission. Just as the greeter in the restaurant isn’t genuinely interested in my health conditions when he asks “how are you today?”. It’s just a social nicety along the lines of “I’m taking this seat but I don’t know you. I’m not going to go as far as to introduce myself, but I’m making you aware that I’m not doing so for any untoward reason….” All very British.

In a similar vein, if the other three complained to the cafe, I suspect that, next time the OP goes to this place, there may be signs up saying “Customers may be required to share tables at busy times” or the equivalent….

LittleBitofBread · 14/08/2025 18:33

MemorableTrenchcoat · 14/08/2025 18:30

Of course not. But it's obviously a bit more nuanced in a food market, hence the voting split. On public transport, no one is ever in a position to dictate where other passengers sit, or refuse a polite request to sit beside them. Unless, of course, they're occupying someone else's reserved seat.

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The 'nuance' seems to me to be largely the conviction of the OP and those agreeing with her that she was 'surrounded', as if by a group of Stasi officials or something, and their equal conviction that she was in some way entitled to a table for four in a busy food-service and eating area.

Octoberdreaming · 14/08/2025 18:34

YABU and a bit of a drama queen about this really.
You are not ‘entitled’ to empty seats at a table for 4 in this type of casual and informal setting.

If it was me, I’d have popped my headphones back in and just got on with eating my food and moving on with my day. You’re making a mountain out of a molehill here.

Cranberryavocado · 14/08/2025 18:34

I actually think you were the antagonist here. If it is a market with street food and seating then you have no right to any of the seatings or tables. If there are three seats free then three people can sit there.
His reaction was extreme and uncalled for but really you were being really petty and out of order about an extra person sitting at the table.

Barney16 · 14/08/2025 18:35

He shouldn't have lost his temper but I don't see why they can't sit down.

lifeonmars100 · 14/08/2025 18:36

He should have shown far more courtesy and you should have shown some grace, you don't own the vacant seats

MemorableTrenchcoat · 14/08/2025 18:39

LittleBitofBread · 14/08/2025 18:33

The 'nuance' seems to me to be largely the conviction of the OP and those agreeing with her that she was 'surrounded', as if by a group of Stasi officials or something, and their equal conviction that she was in some way entitled to a table for four in a busy food-service and eating area.

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I agree OP is in the wrong. If the food court was a bit quieter, most people probably would think it rude or weird to sit with someone if there were other tables free. On a train, not so much, particularly since many people have certain seating preferences.

PInkyStarfish · 14/08/2025 18:49

He’s a buffoon but you’re entitled and a deeply unpleasant misandrist.