Hostile and entitled man hijacking my table

[BluntPlumHam]

I stopped to have some lunch at a busy market where there is a lot of seating however often taken up so some waiting around.

Often a woman dining on her own or having coffee may ask to share a table which I always agree to.

I was sat at a table for 4 already eating.

Man and woman approach and ask if they can share my table.

I asked is it just you two and pointed at the seats opposite me and he nodded. So I said ok because it was super busy.

Seconds later a third person joins and I’m now encircled by their group. I took my headphones out and said hang on you didn’t say there were three of you?

He immediately got hostile and red in the face and said you need to go find a table for one person.

I put my cutlery down and said you need to move. He started blathering on about being allowed to voice his opinion and I just said no and firmly said leave because I wasn’t about to engage in a discussion or argument with this man child.

He started throwing a tantrum exclaiming that he’s not leaving puffing his chest out etc and his wife was trying to calm him down and kept apologising to me. He was clearly ready to have a stand off with me. I just turned to her, your husband is hostile, harassing me now and I want you to all leave to which she eventually said ok and that we will go find another table. He reluctantly left but not without trying to start a fight with me I just remained firm and resilient. Just kept repeating sternly you all need to leave now and find another table.

Wife was visibly embarrassed by his behaviour and grabbed my arm and sincerely apologised.

I just feel that a certain culture of general hostility towards women is being normalised in this day and age. Although I initially allowed him to sit there when I realised this was a group I revoked that permission but men can’t take a no for an answer.

Despite me doing them a favour and letting them sit there he had the audacity to get angry with me when I questioned the third person and tell me to go find another table midway my food. They did not have their food yet.

Men feel entitled to encroach and stay in women’s personal space even when bluntly told to go. Would it have been different had I been a man, absolutely.

AIBU for making them leave.

So, what would have happened if they hadn't asked (politely) and just sat down?

If there were no other seats available I would have asked (politely) but, if you had said no, I would have ignored you and said there are no other seats and simply sat down.

This situation is simple, if there are free seats they are for the use of all the patrons of the establishment, and not for just one entitled person to take up a table, when three others who have presumably bought/intended to buy food and drink stand up, or worse leave the premises. The mistake the chap made was to argue with you and not calmly sit down.

What would you have done in that scenario?

Rubbish. It’s happened to me three times during this summer holiday. Once at Longleat Safari Park, another time at a packed playground / cafe type place in Cornwall, and at a local swimming pool cafe. It’s the summer, it’s busy, it’s hot, people need a seat to eat their lunch, surely you don’t begrudge that? Well you do if it’s three people, but two is allowed. What an odd logic.

The OP was wearing headphones so they could have sung a chorus from Evita and she wouldn’t have noticed.

'pointed at the seats opposite me' sounds like the first two sat opposite her, then the third sat next to her.
Not that it makes much difference.

If you are one person at a table for 4 and more people need to sit it becomes a communal table by default.

I wonder how many people on this thread go and eat solo

If this was a thread about someone wanting to join a table and there was her and another and the person said no you can't join me on this table. It'd be a totally different thread - people would say you have not right to sit down and jin that table.

Its all in the original story on here as to which way the wind blows

Did they all join hands and start chanting?

Hmm mixed feelings here. I
think you were both a bit U .

I had a similar situation. I sat on a table seat in train. A young couple came and sat opposite me talking amongst themselves, all fine. Then their friend came and joined them, I stood up let friend in by the window seat and continued to read my book. But the third person was incredibly loud and excited and it was incredibly hard to think. There were announcements being made about where to sit for which station etc which I wasn’t able to hear. I literally flipped out of nowhere and said “Shhhhh” in my best teacher voice. Grrrr. It was not my finest moment but person three was stopped in their tracks and apologised and I’m glad.
Single (and in my case older) women are so often ignored and invisible

They did ask!

OP started it.

The cafe owner owns the table and chairs. The cafe relies on customers buying food and drinks. Without customers the cafe will close. The man was rude, but you could have been a bit more gracious. It was a 4 person table and the cafe could make more profit from 4 people dining rather than 1. I wish people would all be a bit kinder to each other.

Yet 52% of responses think you are being unreasonable. I think you are out of touch with reality.

A train is somewhat different. Passengers have paid for, and are entitled to occupy any unreserved seat they like.

Well done girl. You stood your ground

Agree. I wouldn’t go up to a table for 4 with 3 people on and ask if I could sit there so why is it alright the other way around.

They're not different really. In a communal eating set-up, everyone has paid for and is entitled to sit to eat their food.

It would be completely fine for you to do that and I guarantee if you did it and wrote an AIBU about it then people would agree that it was fine.

You were both in the wrong. He had no right to shout at you but you were ordering him to leave…from a public place. Do you own the table? I’d have laughed at you 😂

What is with this weird language? ‘Surrounded’ makes it sound like the poor little OP was like a gazelle at a watering hole with a pride of lions circling her. Surely it's more accurate to say that four people were sitting in chairs/at benches round a four-person table?

Amazed that 52% think YABU! 😱

A table of four in a booth is not communal even in a market however yes there are other areas with communal like seating.

Good for you!

I have seen a huge increase in men being hostile toward women. I posted on another feed, but I had a man treat me like this over a pool chair at a hotel once. He and his family were hogging four chairs, two of which their children never once used, while my family was all stuck sharing one. Wife announced they were heading out and started packing up, and when she cleared the chair next to me, I quickly moved some of our stuff onto it. Husband immediately lost it. He started yelling at me, getting increasingly angry, all in front of his wife and my husband, what the hell was I doing, this was their chair, etc. I explained I thought they were leaving, he insists hotly, "not this second," and then parks his fat ass on that chair until the very moment the wife was done packing up completely.

I have absolutely had it with men behaving like this. Territorial, rude, and unnecessarily angry. Chivalry is beyond dead, as is basic human decency.

You were 100% in the right in this situation, and his reaction was a huge overreaction.

I do get how a booth feels more naturally like a table for you or your group, but unless you can and do book it for yourself/your group exclusively, then in a busy food-buying and -consuming set-up it is going to be communal.
Unless you really expect people to read your mind and realise that the 'vibe' is not to share it.

The different views here are interesting. When I grew up, in England 1960s and 70s, the etiquette was that, if you see spaces at a table, you say “Are these seats free?” or “May I join you?” and the seated person says Yes. I’ve done that all my life.

We were startled when, on a US holiday, my female friend and I asked that and the woman sitting at the table barked “No!”. She seemed outraged. We backed away.

Since when has it been normal for people to share tables in the UK?

Sometimes you do it if it's a big table and it's really busy but it's not a common occurrence like in other countries.

However, I think if you say 2 people can share with you, it's immaterial if it's then 3