Hostile and entitled man hijacking my table

[BluntPlumHam]

I stopped to have some lunch at a busy market where there is a lot of seating however often taken up so some waiting around.

Often a woman dining on her own or having coffee may ask to share a table which I always agree to.

I was sat at a table for 4 already eating.

Man and woman approach and ask if they can share my table.

I asked is it just you two and pointed at the seats opposite me and he nodded. So I said ok because it was super busy.

Seconds later a third person joins and I’m now encircled by their group. I took my headphones out and said hang on you didn’t say there were three of you?

He immediately got hostile and red in the face and said you need to go find a table for one person.

I put my cutlery down and said you need to move. He started blathering on about being allowed to voice his opinion and I just said no and firmly said leave because I wasn’t about to engage in a discussion or argument with this man child.

He started throwing a tantrum exclaiming that he’s not leaving puffing his chest out etc and his wife was trying to calm him down and kept apologising to me. He was clearly ready to have a stand off with me. I just turned to her, your husband is hostile, harassing me now and I want you to all leave to which she eventually said ok and that we will go find another table. He reluctantly left but not without trying to start a fight with me I just remained firm and resilient. Just kept repeating sternly you all need to leave now and find another table.

Wife was visibly embarrassed by his behaviour and grabbed my arm and sincerely apologised.

I just feel that a certain culture of general hostility towards women is being normalised in this day and age. Although I initially allowed him to sit there when I realised this was a group I revoked that permission but men can’t take a no for an answer.

Despite me doing them a favour and letting them sit there he had the audacity to get angry with me when I questioned the third person and tell me to go find another table midway my food. They did not have their food yet.

Men feel entitled to encroach and stay in women’s personal space even when bluntly told to go. Would it have been different had I been a man, absolutely.

AIBU for making them leave.

Astonishing how many people think it was OK for these people to lie to the OP and try to bully her into moving just because there were more of them than her. He was obviously assuming that once they'd taken the table over she would quietly move out of the way and they would have it to themselves, and got a nasty shock when she refused to play along.

100% he would not have tried this with a man.

Didn’t realise the thread was still going. After all the responses I’m even more convinced that I’m in the right. I’m glad I got them to go elsewhere because he behaved in that manner knowing I was single woman and would fold to his bullying. I was there first and it is first come first serve. You wait around till a table becomes available.

There was another man occupying a booth table across the hall on his laptop. He wasn’t approached I wonder why.

People say a lot of things online but don’t do half of it in person. Especially the ones saying ‘oh if I saw you sat there I would just sit down and not move’ yeah right.

Don’t be deliberately dim. Sharing a table with another lone woman is completely different from being kettled in by three strangers at a table you were at first midway meal. Especially when the expectation was that there were only going to be two and a third shows up and then one of them gets hostile.

Thankfully I worked in a male dominated field which was a contentious environment due to the nature of the work. I developed a no shit take policy a long time ago especially from bully boys.

I think you’re embellishing a story. You need a baddie and you’re portraying a legitimate request as an imposition. You were the rude and entitled patron

It’s not. Not at all. No way a server will take you to a table that is already occupied by a diner eating. Especially not in Nando’s/ Dishoom etc. No idea where you’ve dreamt that.

Absolutely happens
Back from Edinburgh festival and shared tables in cafe - it was rammed
Dishoom,Nando Wagamama have shared on London and Shared elsewhere too server took us to a shared table

You are making stuff up
A retail unit won’t leave a 4 table under occupied at a busy time when they have diners

This was seating at a busy market. The OP was trying to hog a four-person table all to herself.

If it were a restaurant that took reservations, OP would not be allowed to reserve a four-person table for herself during peak hours.

Your behaviour was ridiculous too though. You were at a table for 4 on your own. There were 3 seats spare, what on earth was your problem?!

I found when I lived in the States that it was unusual to ask to share. In the UK absolutely normal. You are 1 at a table for 4. Reasonable for a polite party of 3 to join you. You sound beyond unreasonably aggressive.

You sound like a bit of a bully yourself OP and you were the first one to throw a tantrum at a third person joining. The fact is, you don’t own the table you were just sat there. You had no right to order them away like children. Try to behave with a little more class….

While insulting people for taking your words at face value rather than magically managing to understand you were being facetious despite no context clues suggesting that, is indicative of a sparkling wit and innate kindness?

your "joke" didn't land because it wasn't funny, not because of my personality.

I may not own it but I was there first and the table was in use. I stood my ground after he took the piss and got hostile because I’m not people pleaser. If you wish to be a doormat in your life then that’s your prerogative.

Quite the Poundland motivational speaker aren’t you
Women don’t be a doormat! Show that table who’s the boss bitch

And another one insulting people for taking their words as read rather than using their psychic powers to guess that by saying "never in my life" you actually meant "quite often in my life but in slightly different circumstances."

You didn't say "never have I experienced it it be ok for anyone to sit at at a table which is occupied by men." You said "By another person." Women are people, btw.

You obviously aren't the intended customer for food / market halls.

I’d say a food market is a bit like a pub. You might have to share, seats can become scarce when there were plenty when you came in, and people largely want a table that doesn’t have strangers sitting at it. Not the first time I’ve seen a lone drinker sitting at a pub table for four - or six - in a busy bar. Would three - or four or five - of us surround a lone drinker? We’d be theoretically quite entitled to do so, and it would be better for the business owner if the bigger party had the seats, but it’d be a pretty aggressive move to surround someone minding their own business. I wouldn’t want to be made to feel like an interloper when I was just trying to have a quiet solo lunch. And I would think the three people who sat down around me were encroaching, at best. I wouldn’t have said anything but thought inwardly they were a bit pushy and entitled. I also think the fact they hadn’t yet received their food makes them more rude. Why couldn’t the wife have held the seat, and waited for OP to finish, while the dudes walked around and made their selection? Is that old-fashioned or something?

I think you were being fussy and precious. There was one of you at a table for 4 people! Of course 3 people can join you.

I would feel extremely uncomfortable doing that so wouldn’t.

I find it interesting that everyone is commenting with such strong opinions on whether OP was perfectly right, or badly in the wrong, because I don't think we can tell from what she has written.

To see how reasonable the table request was, we would need to see exactly how busy the venue was. If they had other seating options, it was rude (and bizarre) for them to sit on OP's table. If there were no, or very few, spaces for 3 people, it was fine of them to do so and OP was wrong to attempt to prevent it, and 8n their situation I might have spoken to the cafe owner about it and asked them to intervene.

As for the fracas, again, without hearing the tones of voice employed by the participants, it's impossible to judge. If OP spoke politely and kindly when refusing them the seats (hard to imagine in a way, but possible) then man was wrong to be rebarbative. If she spoke rudley, then I suppose he was simply fighting fire with fire.

I have an image on my head of how it went, certainly, but I don't think there is enough information in OP's posts (not blaming her for this) to know for sure. Tone of voice can make SUCH a difference to the rights and wrongs of social interactions.

Although it is polite to ask, it’s really just a courtesy. It’s extremely impolite to refuse, unless you are waiting for people to join you. If a cafe is busy, you are only entitled to the seat you are sitting on. People should not be expected to stand to eat when there are free seats.

I think you were very rude and I’m not surprised the man got cross with you.

The OP is becoming even more strident as the thread has developed. Interesting that she's now lobbed in the lone man on his laptop who apparently remained unapproached on another table. She's also shifted from feeling "bullied" to telling us that she took no shit in her previous male dominated working environment.

Love your responses, and yes you're in the right, of course, but you're supposed to be a bit more meek and grovelly.

If you had pretended you were quite scared or distressed and acted as though you were super placatory and the exact same outcome had happened, all the twits pretending they don't get it would be backing you.

You're not allowed to be assertive or take no shit as a woman on mumsnet. It's all about fitting the mould of being terribly "noice". No fucking swearing, just nasty little jibes that are a lot worse than swearing. Not that you swore, but that's the general vibe of this place.

She wasn't assertive : she was rude and confrontational in my view. You think she was in the right, but there's no "of course" about it. Opinions vary, as this thread demonstrates.

Nah. She was assertive, just as I am being assertive when I say to you that I think it's a bit pathetic to address someone without actually quoting them or @ ing them in the hope of sliding under the radar 😂

Feel free to have a differing opinion, I genuinely don't care :)