Hostile and entitled man hijacking my table

[BluntPlumHam]

I stopped to have some lunch at a busy market where there is a lot of seating however often taken up so some waiting around.

Often a woman dining on her own or having coffee may ask to share a table which I always agree to.

I was sat at a table for 4 already eating.

Man and woman approach and ask if they can share my table.

I asked is it just you two and pointed at the seats opposite me and he nodded. So I said ok because it was super busy.

Seconds later a third person joins and I’m now encircled by their group. I took my headphones out and said hang on you didn’t say there were three of you?

He immediately got hostile and red in the face and said you need to go find a table for one person.

I put my cutlery down and said you need to move. He started blathering on about being allowed to voice his opinion and I just said no and firmly said leave because I wasn’t about to engage in a discussion or argument with this man child.

He started throwing a tantrum exclaiming that he’s not leaving puffing his chest out etc and his wife was trying to calm him down and kept apologising to me. He was clearly ready to have a stand off with me. I just turned to her, your husband is hostile, harassing me now and I want you to all leave to which she eventually said ok and that we will go find another table. He reluctantly left but not without trying to start a fight with me I just remained firm and resilient. Just kept repeating sternly you all need to leave now and find another table.

Wife was visibly embarrassed by his behaviour and grabbed my arm and sincerely apologised.

I just feel that a certain culture of general hostility towards women is being normalised in this day and age. Although I initially allowed him to sit there when I realised this was a group I revoked that permission but men can’t take a no for an answer.

Despite me doing them a favour and letting them sit there he had the audacity to get angry with me when I questioned the third person and tell me to go find another table midway my food. They did not have their food yet.

Men feel entitled to encroach and stay in women’s personal space even when bluntly told to go. Would it have been different had I been a man, absolutely.

AIBU for making them leave.

So what if there were 3 people rather than 2? Table for 4, you were there alone. 1 more person, big deal.

Man was understandably annoyed at your rudeness and let’s be honest, you have exaggerated his response (this is obvious by the emphasis you have put into the description of his anger; repeatedly describing how angry he was).

Also you have finished with the usual, predictable all men are horrible nowadays and should be banished from the planet nonsense which is clearly the REAL motivation for your post.

Would his reaction have been different if you were a man? Probably because a man (and many women) would’ve just said ‘yes sure.’ No drama.

This. The table is a public place and I am unsure why you feel you have the right to say whether people should sit at table. This is irrespective of you being there first

Hmm. I shared with people in a busy New York supermarket cafe recently. There was nowhere else to sit and I was exhausted. I asked if anyone was sitting there, and they said "You are." 💖Young American women (30-ish) and I was on my own. It was fine. They showed me photos of their babies! 😂

Spot on

It's ok to ask to share someone's table. It's not ok to take over their space and converse across them.

A lone diner is sitting quietly by themselves and enjoying the solitude, you can't just rock up beside them and encircle them. That's just rude.

I'd be ok with 3 people sharing a relatively large table for 4 with me, but I'd expect them to enforce a polite degree of 'separation' between their group and me. So move the chairs to the other end and one person 'perches' on the end, rather than sitting next to and opposite me. So I can politely ignore them and they can politely ignore me.

I'd be ok with someone else joining me at a table for 2 if they were also sitting in silence thumbing their phone or similar. Not if there was an expectation for interaction or if they were making noisy calls.

You might have sat down first, but you can’t say who sits at the tables. He was rude, but so were you.

I've not experienced a massive rise in hostile men. I have spent my summer across Manchester, Glasgow and London, eating out at least weekly.

There have always been arseholes. There, unfortunately, will likely always be arseholes.

However, THIS man's reaction was unwarranted and over the top. He is a prime example of said arsehole. I'm glad you stood up to him OP.

However, I am really wary about talking in absolutes and extremes. There is a well documented fueling of the whole Men Vs women narrative. And it's not helpful in the slightest to support this. It actively harms the efforts to stop VAWAG.

I specifically said "where I live in the US" because I'm not speaking for the whole of the nation, just for the area where I live, which is not New York.

Clearly not at all well travelled if you haven’t come across this before

I disagree. I think it was rude of the three of them to encroach on OP’s space, particularly when she was eating. OP wasn’t suggesting she should have the whole table to herself.

You are an entitled person expecting the sole occupancy of a 4 seat table and were annoyed that other diners joined you. Inevitably you were joined by other diners. He sounds as bellicose as you

But she wasn’t expecting sole occupancy. She was completely fine with 2 people sitting there.

How generous of OP to only try to take up double the space she’s entitled to

She does not get to dictate whether 1,2 or 3 of the vacant seats at her table get occupied
Her preference is irrelevant and of course 3 other diners want to sit down as a group. The 3 won’t separate as a group to indulge @BluntPlumHam preferences

Lol.

I was always going to say YANBU because this man got very aggressive and you were right to stand up to him.

I’m a bit less sure re the right to share / decline to share the tables because I get that it was crowded and people needed somewhere to sit. However, I can understand why you felt encircled and not comfortable with all of them sitting there.

Half way through the thread you’ve introduced the idea that the tables were “booth-like” which you didn’t mention at first. I think that tips it in your favour and explains why you indicated that two people were welcome to sit opposite you, but not a third person. Did that person then sit on the “outside” of you, between you and the “exit” from the table? I can see that that makes a difference and explains why you use the word “surrounded”. I would not want to be hemmed into a corner like that by a group.

You can't hog a table for 4! You also dont get to dictate who else gets to sit there. How weird of you to say yes to two people sitting and also tell them where to sit 🤪 and then chase everyone away when you find out there were three people. Sounds like you were hot and bothered and ready for a argument as was the man. You should have known that others will likely occupy the rest of the table. You sound very entitled. The other three should have just ignored you once you started kicking off.

YABU

You were extremely rude first, and it would have been very insulting to him to see you accept other people sittingbthere but for some reason unleash on him.

You didn't have any right to prevent a customer sitting on an empty seat.

He will definitely think twice before trying that again with a lone woman.

I doubt he gave it a second thought to be honest, other than having a good laugh with his friends about it. Somebody was rude and entitled here, and it wasn't him.

Select an establishment that offers tables for 2 and you’ll only ever be joined by 1 other diner
There is no etiquette that a solo diner at table for 4 shouldn’t be approached to share.

That’s bonkers. It’s like sitting on a bus. You pay for a seat but you don’t own the one next to you. Anyone can sit there. Same in a cafe. Yes it’s the polite thing to ask someone if you can sit there, but if you say no, they’re quite within their right to just sit down anyway.

This. ^ YABU @BluntPlumHam You and this man sound as bad as each other to be honest. You didn't own the table, (and you sound entitled and standoffish,) and he sounds like a knuckle dragging thug.

This, entirely.

You were massively unreasonable and if I had been them I’d have told you to get stuffed and stayed put.

I wouldnt have had that battle. You were under occupying a table for four at a busy time. Theee other people needed to be seated.
Sure he was rude, but you weren't in a position to say no either.

You say you “revoked permission” but the problem is you didn’t have the permission to give or revoke in the first place. It wasn’t your table, they were courteous in asking to sit but you didn’t have the right to dictate who sat where. You sound very proud of yourself for taking a stand but to me you seem confrontational, rude and entitled. It’s also baffling why you quibbled over an another person sitting down in a free seat as essentially you weren’t letting a family eat together. Very bizarre behaviour