Fiancé insisting on donating sperm against my wishes

[Shitehound]

He won’t back down. I have said multiple times that I don’t support this, we already have a lovely child together and for medical reasons I cannot/won’t risk carrying another baby myself. He keeps asking me to put myself as risk by having another child and because I won’t he has decided to donate sperm.

With DNA ancestry testing, anonymity is no longer possible, and our child could end up with half siblings all over the world. The donor children may get in contact with our family in the future, seems like emotional turmoil waiting to happen and a massive shock for our own child. He’s already started the process and is putting his foot down. It’s causing huge arguments. He said he is determined to carry on as it is his life goal to have lots of children and won’t stop this process.

He had an affair which I found out when our baby was a few weeks old which was devastating and is another reason why I refuse to have another child with him as I don’t want to put myself in a vulnerable position again. We have worked hard together to rebuild trust for me to forgive him after the affair betrayal and now this insistence on sperm donation has made me feel depressed and worthless. Like my opinion doesn’t matter in the slightest…

He doesn’t love you. He loves himself.

What a prince among men!
If he did blackmail you into getting pregnant again (and I hope your contraception is bulletproof), and then there was a medical emergency, he sounds exactly the sort of man to choose the life of the child over your life. You and your dc are not his priority, his "super sperm" is! It's not like he even wants to be a decent father fgs - just to drop his sperm wherever.
Yuk!

Line up your ducks and get your paperwork in order. You need to sitdown and talk and decide what YOU want from this feckless idiot!

What on earth am I reading. Surely you are not marrying this man... right?

I disagree that when it comes to what you do with your body there needs to be reasonable discussion, I would never tell a woman who was pregnant that her partner has a say in whether to continue or terminate the pregnancy for example. The OP can make a decision about whether she wants to stay with her partner (personally I would have already left when he had an affair, he has shown himself, OP has just chosen not to look) but she can’t make the decision about whether he fathers more children or not and how he chooses to do it.

You haven't rebuilt trust though, have you? Not really.

You can't trust him not to put himself first in everything he wants; you've just had the illusion of trust being rebuilt because there wasn't nothing he wanted that was different to what you wanted again until now.

He hasn't changed. And this isn't me kicking you while you're down, I'm just pointing out that he will always do what he wants and if you stay with him then you're just lucky that sometimes those things align.

Ultimately it's a his swimmers, his choice situation. I'd be leaving him through.

The cheating is the worst part but the sperm donation is just horrible. He's going to cheat on you again anyway and/or keep pressuring you to have another baby. He's ridiculous op.

You’ve most likely hit the nail on the head

What a selfish bastard. He wants you to risk your life/health to have another baby. He wants to donate sperm and risk your relationship. He a cheating prick.
I'd be packing his bags for him.

He sounds abhorrent.

I know it's easy to say from the other side of a computer screen, but you need to leave.

He is not only abusing / controlling you, but is potentially messing around with a future donor child and their parents. The only reason to donate sperm should be a genuine desire to help people who are otherwise unable to have children. It should be done only after fully researching and understanding the ethical implications of it, and what it may mean in the future if a child should reach out. For the sake of everyone, he should not do this.

OMG you're so clever! I would never have thought of this.

It's a fetish, to have as many children as possible and "spread his genes" 🤢 I've met men like this. Just gross. Leave him, OP.

The affair would be sufficient to ditch him.

His reasons for sperm donation are weird - please get rid of this man.

@Shitehound . I Suspect he knows he has possibly already fathered another child elsewhere and this is a way of covering tracks .

I don't even know what to say. This guy sounds unhinged.

l’m not suggesting that a partner should try to force their own opinions. But this is not the same issue as abortion. A woman doesn’t need the ‘permission’ of her spouse to have a termination, but the difference here is that it doesn’t have any implications for the future for either partner or any existing children.

Sperm donation, as OP says, isn’t anonymous any more and invites the possibility of the resulting children making contact in later years. It can also impact existing children if they find out they have half siblings, or even through the potential of dating someone they are related to. It’s bizarre that you think that’s not the business of a partner, nor worthy of discussion between adults in a committed relationship. If the person then wants to go ahead, even in the event of it being a deal breaker for their partner, then they’re free to do so aren’t they ?

But the dates would not match up 🤔

This will be a dealbreaker for me

Why ? He was having an affair while OP was pregnant and her child is at school now. Perfectly possible he knows he fathered a child as a result.

Sounds like he’s trying to force you to have another child with him as the best of 2 bad options.

Very sorry for you OP. I don’t think this DF is going to change. This much damage has already been done to you & he intends more. People get worse/more set in their ways, as they get older. I suggest in gentlest way, you need part company with him, soon as poss.

Deal breaker for me too. I can’t believe how itterly selfish he is being. It’s like he is trying to prove a point that you can’t medically have more dc, but he can do whatever the heck he wants. His complete disregard for your feelings would be a relationship ender for me. Sorry!

You are his incubator not his partner.

Interesting article on the ethics of this. It also seems sperm donation is not straightforward in that clinics have to offer counselling, and married men would likely be counselled to discuss their potential donation with their partner. Not sure how well OP’s partner would be received if there was a suspicion he was using the threat of sperm donation to try to coerce his wife into having another child, despite it being a risk to her health.

https://www.progress.org.uk/one-womans-campaign-spousal-consent-for-sperm-donation/

Is he donating sperm directly to the women involved????