Fiancé insisting on donating sperm against my wishes

[Shitehound]

He won’t back down. I have said multiple times that I don’t support this, we already have a lovely child together and for medical reasons I cannot/won’t risk carrying another baby myself. He keeps asking me to put myself as risk by having another child and because I won’t he has decided to donate sperm.

With DNA ancestry testing, anonymity is no longer possible, and our child could end up with half siblings all over the world. The donor children may get in contact with our family in the future, seems like emotional turmoil waiting to happen and a massive shock for our own child. He’s already started the process and is putting his foot down. It’s causing huge arguments. He said he is determined to carry on as it is his life goal to have lots of children and won’t stop this process.

He had an affair which I found out when our baby was a few weeks old which was devastating and is another reason why I refuse to have another child with him as I don’t want to put myself in a vulnerable position again. We have worked hard together to rebuild trust for me to forgive him after the affair betrayal and now this insistence on sperm donation has made me feel depressed and worthless. Like my opinion doesn’t matter in the slightest…

This has to be a joke

I would leave him for the affair, he is selfish and doesn't think of your or your child at all!!

OP l’ve just read your update and my heart goes out to you, but you know you’re making the right decision.

He cheated - presumably while you were pregnant if your baby was only a few weeks old when you found out. That in itself shows you what kind of man he is, but the thing that l would never be able to get past is the willingness to put you at risk because he wanted more children. That’s unforgivable and a waving red flag that he will always put himself first in any situation, no matter what.

Going on and making your refusal to give him another child a factor in wanting to be a sperm donor and pressing ahead with it against your wishes - and with an alarming disregard for the future implications - would be the final straw for me too.

He’s a self absorbed narcissist OP. He’s clearly only interested in fathering children rather than actually parenting them. You only get one life and if you stay with him you’re going to be lonely until he inevitably has another affair, and you’ll have wasted time in which you could have made a better life for you and your child.

Do you co-own your home ? Are there any complicated finances to disentangle ? I think on a practical level you should get some legal advice, then get your ducks in a row and make plans to leave. And from what you’ve said, preferably when he’s not there - shouldn’t be too difficult if he’s a workaholic. It’ll be hard at first OP, but in the long run you’ll be so much happier without this selfish, narcissistic millstone around your neck.

This is an Andrew Tate type thing isn’t it? For men to think it’s their purpose to procreate as much as possible? (And with no regard for any of the women involved). He sounds disgusting to be honest.
I’m so sorry you and your child are in this situation. You are making the right decision by leaving because especially if it’s a manosphere thing then you don’t want that influence on your son. Wishing you all the strength and luck for getting away from this twat.

Not sure what sort of ethical rules sperms donation labs have, but I would be very tempted to pass on his, quite frankly, abhorrent, weird comments if you know which company he is planning to use.
ETA he's giving off real Elon Musk vibes 🤮

He sounds absolutely disgusting. I remember watching a program on TV where this guy was in a taxi delivering his own semen to strange women in exchange for cash. It was like the end of the world.

I'm so sorry he's turned out to be such a dreadful dickhead op ☹️ I'm glad typing it out has given you clarity.

He sounds totally selfish and self absorbed, and maybe when you refused to go along with his wish for more children (and exactly how many did he expect you to have like some brood mare?!) he has gone about suiting himself and making sure he punishes you with it.

You are worth more than this. You can't stop him doing what he wants, but you can stop caring so much about it, that's the beauty of breaking up + time to heal. Your DC will be fine, the world is changing with DNA stuff and they will grow up to realise what their dad is like and react accordingly.

Run.

So intrigued what attracts you to this partner of yours, OP? Sometimes we focus on the wrong questions. Why exactly are you with him?

I agree. There needs to be more education on healthy relationships. So many men & women repeat what they know I.e. damaging behaviours and standards (or there lack of) set by parents.

His body, his choice. YABU to try and stop him. That said, if it’s a deal breaker for you then you are of course absolutely reasonable to leave him. If he wants lots of children and you’re done you’re obviously not on the same page in terms of the future and so it seems like it would be for the best for you to break up anyway, plus he’s already had an affair. Sounds like the relationship is doomed so better for you to leave on your terms than wait until the next affair.

Throw this Prince among men back in the rock pool he slithered out of …
Words fail me .. he’s an arrogant narcissist who clearly thinks he’s got a cut glass nob and his sperm is filled with gold flakes , what a fantastic example he’s also setting for your DC
This man does not care one iota about you , please make steps to leave , you don’t need this awful emotional abuse

Having taken part in some of the threads on a woman’s right to choose when it comes to abortion, l must admit l was a bit taken aback at the apparent hypocrisy of women who would insist on having autonomy over their own bodies, not allowing their men the same privilege.

But l think egg and sperm donation is different. It has the potential to affect both partners, as well as any existing children so it warrants discussion. It will ultimately be up to the person donating to decide what they want to do, and if their partner objects to it to the point of ending the relationship, then that’s their prerogative.

I'd think that he has or suspects that he's already fathered a child and this is convenient cover if it ever comes out in future.

Either way it's not good.

No, sadly not :( I wish it was

His life goal is to have lots of children so he’s going to anonymously donate sperm?? He will never actually know any of the children he creates and he will never actually know if he created any so this is clearly bullshit.

Sounds more like he knows you’re against it and thinks if you have to choose between him donating sperm and having another baby with him, you’ll cave and have another baby.

What. A. Creep.

No. When you’re in a committed relationship there has to be reasonable discussion. It’s something that can potentially affect both partners and their existing children, how would you feel if your child’s half siblings turned up in the future, or they found out they were related to someone they were dating ?

No, but that would depend on OP (or any subsequent partners) actually knowing the age of the offspring, which they might not find out right away. "There's this person who claims to be my son" can take you quite a way before you sit down and work it all out.

If he's been getting women pregnant in the last few months and then he donates sperm he could either say he'd already donated and the child must be the result of that, or claim that the baby must be premature and the result of donated sperm.

I’m so sorry OP. Sincere sympathy 💐

Op I don't understand how you not wanting to have another baby is a factor in him donating sperm... this in theroy means the possibility of never meeting the child which is not the same as him wanting more kids. Without a doubt hes a scumbag regardless to this but I dont get the point at all in his ultimatum to you. Honestly... get away from him as soon as you can.

Could he be having some sort of paternity scare and this need to donate sperm is actually so when a child turns up he can link it back to that? Either way he’s a scum bag and you’ll be well rid. Good luck x

He's vile, you're opinion means nothing, what else will he do in the future without talking to you about it first to make sure you're happy too? This is not a relationship. The fact he's also had an affair just about sums him up. Please do leave him, shit like this will only get worse. You'll do absolutely fine and thrive without him!

Nailed it.

Is he intending to donate 'personally' as well as (or instead of) through a proper route? I wouldn't trust him at all after the previous episode. If his intention is to impregnate as many women as possible you may find he's advertising his services!

This would be an absolute deal-breaker for me, even without the cheating, even with an otherwise perfect partner. My DH has a different attitude to me about the weights of nature vs nurture and would at least consider sperm donation if left to his own devices, but because he knows how I feel about it, we are a family and he respects and loves me, he'll never do it. End of conversation (except an occasional, interesting abstract discussion of the topic).

A man who cheats on his partner when she is pregnant or has a newborn is the lowest of the low anyway, and a man who does this and then has the bare-faced GALL to try to pressure her into having another and enter into the same situation again is beyond words. He hasn't even married you to give you that financial protection. He's not the slightest bit interested in 'rebuilding trust'. You provide him something he wants or needs (maid services/childcare/family man status/sharing bills/whatever), that's all. This latest gambit is either to force you to agree to another child as a desperate alternative to this (after which he may decide to just go ahead anyway), because (as others have said) he's already fathered a child, or it is designed to make you leave him so that he can be single without being the bad guy.

What is the earthly point of him from your perspective? From an outside perspective this is an absolute no-brainer of a decision.

Conduct a dispassionate consideration of the practicalities and get out.

Good luck, OP.