What do you think of this ultimatum from Fiance?

[Pladi]

Fiancé and I met in our mid 20s in London. He is Norwegian. I have always been completely upfront that I would never even contemplate living in Norway. Not even Oslo. I must have made this clear from around the 2nd month of dating. Fiancé accepted that as he hated growing up in a fairly small town anyway.

Since becoming engaged fiancé has requested that we live in Oslo for a year after we marry. Just as an experience. I have said absolutely bloody not. There’s a long list of reasons why I wouldn’t consider this. Fiancé is “confused” as I did spend 18 months in Seattle for work. But Seattle (where I speak the language and am somewhat familiar with the culture) is a very different proposition to Oslo.

Im not happy that he’s changing the goal posts despite the fact I have never been anything but brutally transparent.

Ideally we would live in London for a couple more years then make the move to the burbs.

I’m not being unreasonable, am I?

Living in Oslo might be a bit boring long term, but it's only for a year, so just give it a go. What's the worst that could happen? Go with the mentality that you want to immerse yourself. Go to the Arctic Circle and see the Aurora. Go to a Midsommer party. See the fyords. Go a bit Scandi for a year. Why not?

As several others have said - she might hate it (as OP has said she would) and be unable to come back. That’s a pretty bad “why not?” outcome.

And, guaranteed, if OP posts in a few years saying he won’t move and she’s stuck there because she can’t bring children back to the UK and doesn’t understand the Norwegian system to divorce, all the “give it a shot” posters would be calling her an idiot for going at all

well, actually the 'give it a go' people have mostly said - do it before you get married and don't have any kids until you've done it.

Then if he won't move back, you come back alone. That is sad because it is the end of a relationship, but it isn't the end of the world.

If she hates it, that isn't a terrible thing. You know trying things and having a go at things does mean that sometimes we don't like what we try. But we learn through it, about oursleves and others, and our needs and choices.

But I can guarantee that if she goes with the attitude she has now, she will hate it. You have to go with an attitude of - this is my loved one's culture and country. This is what shaped them. How can I understand, get involved in and enjoy his culture?
Sometimes it is really tough. My dh's culture is VERY direct. Rude to my little English heart. Until I understood it, and realised it was direct and not offensive.
She is going to sometimes feel like an outsider. She is going to be outside of her comfort zone there. That isn't a bad thing, unless you then sit in a pity puddle and refuse to engage. Living overseas comes with challenges. Her partner has been experiencing all of those for the last 6 years. Maybe she needs to experience what he experienced to understand what he has given up for her.

He hasn't given anything up for OP. He has continued to live in the place he was living in before he met op.

Im baffled at this thread i won't lie. Ive seen less challenges to someone saying something really wet like they point blank refuse to try anything with tomatoes in it, let alone living somewhere they clearly dont like for an entire year 😂

He wanted to live in England for exactly 100% of the time he’s lived in England! He’s given up exactly nothing at all.

If Jane is from New York and Jack is from London. Jane and Jack both want to and do live in New York - why do you think Jack is giving something up by doing exactly what he wants to do? Why does Jack get a medal? Why does Jack get to dictate a “trade off” for his “sacrifice” of doing exactly what he wanted and what he would’ve done if he’d been single?

Why are you so desperate to invent that he’s a victim?

It's only one year...I'd do it

Yes, do not go.

You can live where you like and he can choose to stay or go. I wouldn’t allow it to take up much conversation or energy. Say it really clearly that you won’t be going, then say he will need to decide what to do.

You need to be ready to accept he may go.

Do you exaggerate and put words in people's mouths this much in real life? Good lord.

He isn't a victim - I did not say he was. I haven't mentioned anyone giving up anything. I am not awarding anyone a medal. No one is dictating anything. All I am saying is that neither of them are unreasonable to want what they want in life - regardless of whether one has committed the cardinal sin of changing his mind from six years ago - and this incompatibility doesn't need blame apportioned.

You seem to have invented a completely different situation to the one the OP outlined, as well as inventing what various posters are actually saying.

It won’t be. Have you met men?

He SAYS it will be one year.

Though FWIW his idea of living in Oslo foe a year only, rather than move back properly, is about as obvious a compromise as there is.

The OP is still free to reject it, of course. But he's not the bad guy for suggesting it and putting the ball in her court.

He wants to move back to Oslo and he's hoping you would agree to stay after a year there.

He's being unreasonable and not open with you.

You've been upfront since Day 1 you will not live in Oslo. You want to stay where you are for a couple of years then move to the suburbs. He was fine with that until he wasn't. Now he's "requested" you live there for a year. I don't think he would move back after a year.

Sit down with him and lay it out and ask him to lay it out honestly for you. Is he willing to stay where you are then move to the suburbs as planned? It really doesn't sound like it from here. Or is he wanting to move back home and hoping you'll change your mind?

I think you're going to find the two of you want to live in different countries.

Sorry, I meant to quote the post that said “Maybe she needs to experience what he experienced to understand what he has given up for her.”

It’s interesting though that you’re insisting neither of them are wrong but you’ve only defended him on this thread and not once defended OP…

How is it a compromise for him to get exactly what he wants? That makes no sense at all. What is he compromising on exactly?!

Read between the lines or as others may say make up your own story. I think people who use this phrase do so because what's been said doesn't fit the story they're creating.

I think there isn't room for compromise here. You don't want to and don't need to. Just break up. Norway is the other side of the world nearly (well about 2 hrs by plane). You could stay together and he could live in Oslo for a year (longer if he wanted) and just fly over for the weekend. I spent a couple of years working away from home only seeing OH at weekends and holidays, not ideal but can be done.
A benefit of this would be that you don't have to put up with the inlaws I suspect though there might be problems if granny Norse never gets to see her grandchildren.

Oh my bad, I assumed he wanted to move back for good and was offering this as a compromise.

But it doesn't matter. He's not unreasonable for suggesting it, she's not unreasonable for rejecting it. You are unreasonable for inventing all sorts of shit from "berating" to "pestering" to "dictating" to "medals".

😂😂😂🙄

Caught out making shit up and nothing to say, it seems.

Nothing new to say after you’ve completely and totally ignored what was already said. I’m not wasting my time repeating myself

All right. Say the OP had openly said from the outset and right through the relationship that she did not want to have children under any circumstances. And now, her fiance is putting considerable pressure on her to change her mind. Would that be okay for him to do that? Do you think she would be unreasonable in refusing to change her stance?

It's OK for him to change his mind from not wanting children to wanting them, and to bring it up as something to discuss.

It's obviously OK for her to refuse to change her stance. Of course she wouldn't be unreasonable. I've said repeatedly she's not unreasonable to refuse in this case.

Again where is the "considerable pressure"? He has implied, but not said, that he would consider ending the relationship. That isn't considerable pressure. It's another obvious consequence of two people wanting different things in life. He has implied, but not said, she's unreasonable - he would be wrong if he actually said that, but I cannot get worked up about "implying" things and I certainly don't consider it "considerable pressure".

So it’s only unreasonable if you explicit say unfair things, not if you imply unfair things?

The mental gymnastics here are, well, mental

and he might miss his social life, friends and family and feel like an outsider? I miss my family and friends too living in a different country from them even though we meet up, video chat etc

Not as mental as interpreting implications as "berating" and "pestering".

He really should go now and date his Oslo girls

The poster said she isn't into winters, dark nights and all these other Norwegian things or people.