Friend wants me to look after her DC for 4 days

[FlyingHighandDry]

A friend has asked me to look after their 19 month old DS for 4 days / 3 nights in October while they go to a work event abroad (her and her DH work together)

I really really don’t want to do this.
She caught me on the hop asking me and I just stumbled over my words and ended up agreeing.
I will have to take time off from my job eating into my precious annual leave as even though the DC will be in nursery, they are only in 10-4 and my day including commute is 8-6.

They’ve made out like they’re doing me a favour by telling me I won’t need to have their elder DC as well as they have sorted that childcare!

Friend has a way of bulldozing people into doing things for them.
Please help me formulate something to say to back out of this.
I am a people pleaser and know I need to grow a pair….

Sorry, just read your update. DON'T let her come up with anything else and if she does, say you were relieved that you wouldn't be able to do it as you felt forced into doing it previously but won't and don't want to.

I see you’ve messaged and said you can’t do it, that’s fair enough and totally legitimate if you don’t want to.

however, all the other posters saying friend ‘isn’t really your friend’ ‘is a user’ ‘is a cheeky fucker’… I imagine you’re the same people baffled as to why you don’t have a village and wondering why people talk about raising kids taking a village but one not appearing when you had kids. This is how you build a village, to have a village you have to be in a village and it’s all give and take. I’ve happily done things like this for friends and in return they do the same, I have a village but it’s not luck, it’s hard work, and sometimes doing things that don’t suit you in order to help out someone else. This mindset of me féin and me féin only is why not many people have a village anymore.

Congratulations!

Great message and welcome to the world of not being a People Pleaser. You are going to find out which out your friends are friends and which were just Users all along.
I am so happy for you!

I also agree you have to build a village, but CF/Users are people who borrow from the village but never ever give back.

I would do it for a friend, and am happy to pay it forward, but they would be an actual proven long term friend.

I can’t believe that some people are cheeky enough to even ask a friend this. This child is so young, such a big responsibility and knowing you’re working too. Some people are just so cheeky.

Such a huge odd request. I wouldn’t even ask a sibling I was close to do that. Nappies and everything. 4 days and taking AL?!

Do you have a weird power dynamic where she is the “main one” and you are a subordinate / support friend?

Rubbish @Ballygowenwater , this isn’t ‘creating a village’, it’s clear cheeky fuckery!

I agree with pp…….you must contact her as soon as possible and tell her that you cannot get the time off work and she will have to make alternate arrangements…….this will give her plenty of time to do just that.

First Post nailed it as usual!

Well done on the message OP. I think a swift text was a good idea.
as far as “sorry” goes, actually I think a) it’s polite and b) given you had agreed to do it and are now contacting her to say you’re pulling out, it’s justified.
don’t get me wrong, I think you’re absolutely right to refuse - the lesson here is not to say “yes” in the first place. Good luck!

Great message, if she tries to talk you into taking time off work just ignore or reply “sorry collegues already booked those dates off so theres no way round it.”

Picturing Bally dumping her kids at her neighbours for the day then scooting off trilling “it takes a village” 😀

@Ballygowenwater look after their 19 month old DS for 4 days / 3 nights

Part of ‘being a village’ is to not facilitate this extremely young child being looked after for this length of time by someone who doesn’t seem to have any bond with the child. If OP had looked after the child for overnights (plural) on a regular basis then that’s different but it doesn’t seem to be the case.

@Ballygowenwater I agree with give n take and all that. But 4 days to a toddler is a heck of a long time. And could be very very stressful for the child and in turn the Op.

I can't imagine many people being willing to dump their baby for 4 days. And I doubt the parents would be that willing to return the favour.

WTAF why did you agree to this?? You must text now and say you've thought about it and you just can't. No need to make excuses about AL just say it's not something you can do. TOTALLY REASONABLE.

I know nothing of this woman CF, yet I too feel very confident that no favours will be returned. As a pp pointed out, children that young can travel for free. Between her and her husband they can split up which events each can attend. Otherwise one of them simply won't be able to go.

OP, so curious as to whether she has replied.

Waiting for an acknowledgement will be hell! Stay steadfast!

Let the friendship go, better in the long run.
She's a CF user.
Not worth the stress.

Say you can’t get the time off work.

@Ballygowenwater i am not sure you understand the concept if the village raising a child 😂😂😂

it is not about babysitting each other’s kids so you can go on holiday (even if it WAS reciprocal which in OP it is not)

it’s a much spiritual and wider concept of looking out for other people’s kids, not a simple baby sitting swap

I cannot believe that someone would expect you to take A/L from your work to look after their very young child to facilitate their work! Unbelievably cheeky.

It’s so outside the normal zone makes me conclude this is either made up or they have a weird master / slave type friendship.

We have literally no idea if it’s reciprocal or not. The OP hasn’t said if she has kids of her own, or if this friend has minded them in the past.

For me a village is having people to lean on for all sorts of situations, some of those being babysitting yes. Friends close enough that my children regard them as family and regularly ask ‘is so and so a cousin or a friend’ because they don’t know.

As the original conversation was had on the fly it’s doubtful that friend was initially aware that her request for a favour would mean OP taking annual leave days, this is OPs own communication issue which has now been resolved.

Has she responded OP?

Op has said using annual leave would eat in to her time.

There's a huge difference between having people to lean on for babysitting and taking the piss. This is across the line.

If this was a single mum needing to go into hospital for 3/4 days for an operation or something it would be horrible but I'd think very differently about the situation.

But it two parents dumping both their kids so they can go off 'on business' really they should pay a nanny to go with them and take the kids. Or just one of them attend the business meeting.