Friend wants me to look after her DC for 4 days

[FlyingHighandDry]

A friend has asked me to look after their 19 month old DS for 4 days / 3 nights in October while they go to a work event abroad (her and her DH work together)

I really really don’t want to do this.
She caught me on the hop asking me and I just stumbled over my words and ended up agreeing.
I will have to take time off from my job eating into my precious annual leave as even though the DC will be in nursery, they are only in 10-4 and my day including commute is 8-6.

They’ve made out like they’re doing me a favour by telling me I won’t need to have their elder DC as well as they have sorted that childcare!

Friend has a way of bulldozing people into doing things for them.
Please help me formulate something to say to back out of this.
I am a people pleaser and know I need to grow a pair….

The absolute cheek to double down on her ridiculous request! 😱

Well done for standing your ground.

She's a CF by totally ambushing you, sounds like that was her plan! Like others have said, just say you've thought it through and you won't be able to do it with taking A/L etc. That's a very young child to have for 4 days, as well. The audacity of some people!

OMG I just saw her reply, cannot believe that! She really is awful trying to guilt trip you! What a cow! Glad you stood your ground. I'd try to see her less, she sounds very selfish

Friend can pay for a professional nanny for the days in question if this work trip is so essential.

Well done OP for messaging and sticking to your guns!!

Just following to see if she replies again!

I agree.

When DD was that age I think the longest we had ever left her was overnight with my mum while we went to a wedding.

And the hilarity of this:
DC is really no trouble at all.

Even if this is the easiest toddler in the world, a 19 month old left with complete strangers while his/her Mum has disappeared is going to be a considerable amount of trouble.

For the reply to OP being short notice was given is ridiculous. The friend asked only earlier this week, OP said Yes immediately, the replied No three days later. The trip is 2 months away. The friend can hire a nanny to go along, or stay in their home if the work trip is absolutely unavoidable. Are they actors having to go on location?

Well done.

Did she ever do childcare for you? Your message was perfect and it’s only 3 days ago, it’s not last minute! She can do what the rest of us do and pay for childcare! I took my toddler with me to a work conference and then paid for childcare in the city I was in. Much cheaper on the continent and quite easy to find secure childcare - in my case it was a nanny onsite that was able to bring my toddler to breastfeed. It made the evening less fun but saved a headache!

Do they seriously have no family between them that they can ask ?

If she responds again, trying to persuade you to do it, remind her that you checked straight away and messaged her as soon as you had thought about how it won't work so haven't exactly left her in the lurch, you've effectively given her all of about 48 hours less time to sort out a trip that is nearly 3 months away, so it's not a big deal at all. It's as equally "short notice" for you to rearrange your life for, and it's not your business trip, your child, or your problem. For this kind of ask, if she doesn't have family she can ask, what she really needs to be looking into is hiring a one off professional nanny/babysitter. It's ridiculous to ask this of a friend, when it involves such a young child. And the fact you've told her no, you're not comfortable doing this, and she's still pushing it, shows how little respect she has for you, and how little regard she has for her own childs wellbeing.
I completely get how you were put on thr spot and ended up tentatively agreeing, it's so easily done when you haven't had time to process what is being asked of you, and you've done the right thing for setting things straight as soon as you'd had a chance to think about it. Don't let her guilt you into agreeing to have any part in this.

Good for you.

Just say ‘I’ve reflected on this and I won’t be able to help. I hope you can work it out’. No apologies, nothing. If she’s an actual friend then she’ll take it on the chin. If she kicks off then she was never your friend in the first place so good riddance. I wouldn’t give up my annual leave to look after someone else’s kids either.

This

Not unreasonable at all.
let her know asap that she caught you off guard, you don’t have the annual leave to spare, so sorry it’s a No

Well done!
Shes shown her true colours and isn’t really a friend to be so cheeky to have try and guilt trip you!
She is very rude to expect you to give up your annual leave for her needs!

Exactly this!
Ambush is absolutely the appropriate word!

You're not going to get a reply to your last message, because (1) she's realised she doesn't need to communicate with you anymore (2) she's angry with you for not giving her what she wants.

Anyone who can say that October is "last minute" on 14th August, 3 days after agreeing, and additionally trying to make her problem your problem and also your fault, isn't thinking about anyone but themselves.

You're better off not hearing from her again. If she does eventually message you, ignore her (even though it'll make her mad and affronted). She's only in this for herself.

I am glad you didn't just say that it is because of work. CF could've got the baby booked into nursery for longer days so then you would have to give an additional reason.

Blaming it on work gives the message that it would otherwise be ok, and of course it is far too much to ask of a friend!

The only way i would consider it is if CF paid for you to go abroad with them and you could look after the baby while they were at work during the day then they take over at 5pm. Though that would cost CF money and nights off so...

Really short notice, she only asked you 3 days ago. This is so cheeky to expect you to take annual leave. She should at least be sorting some kind of wrap around childcare to ensure whoever is having her child isn't put out even more, surely.

You’ve handled this perfectly OP, well done 👏

’Short notice’ and ‘No trouble’ my fat fucking arse 😆

It's so cheeky of her to basically beg after you'd said no! And how can she say it's short notice 3 days later?! She shouldn't have put pressure on you to start with but he her text reiterates that she was happy to pressure you to do it!

Well done OP, I'm very proud of you. Time to take back control from users and others might learn from your experience and courage!

I had something similar, but very different last week. Neighbour up the road same age as me, lives alone like me had a small accident at home and hurt her foot, couldn't walk just hobble and was in pain. Would I go to the chemist and get her X Y and Z and could I pick up a few bits in the shop also.

Absolutely no problem, there but for the grace of God go I. I dropped the stuff in and never heard anything more. The chemist stuff cost £24 and the shopping £22. I let it go that day thinking she was ill and in pain. Nothing next day despite me asking by text how she was, then I saw her get in her car and zoom off!

I rang her, not text. Asked how she was blah blah, I see you're able to drive now Joan, you better now? Yep thanks, gotta go see you soon. Oh hang on a minute you know the shopping I got for you a few days ago, well it came to £46.

I didn't say anything else, and she said she would pay me that day. I got it a week later and had to ask three times. I felt awful, but then I thought, why should I? I had gone to the chemist, the shop, made her a sandwich, filled her kettle and other little bits. Anyway Revoluted in the end. But honestly, if I hadn't asked I doubt I would have seen a penny.

Only 3 days less notice than when she first asked you. It's in October. Months away (2)

I wonder if you were her first choice/request or whether others had turned her down?

Look how she not only uses an explanation mark after please, but doubles it. AIBU to find this the irritatingly manipulative cherry on the strong-arming cake?

Good for you for telling her no and being so polite about it, but if she comes after you again, take the velvet gloves off.