Friend wants me to look after her DC for 4 days

[FlyingHighandDry]

A friend has asked me to look after their 19 month old DS for 4 days / 3 nights in October while they go to a work event abroad (her and her DH work together)

I really really don’t want to do this.
She caught me on the hop asking me and I just stumbled over my words and ended up agreeing.
I will have to take time off from my job eating into my precious annual leave as even though the DC will be in nursery, they are only in 10-4 and my day including commute is 8-6.

They’ve made out like they’re doing me a favour by telling me I won’t need to have their elder DC as well as they have sorted that childcare!

Friend has a way of bulldozing people into doing things for them.
Please help me formulate something to say to back out of this.
I am a people pleaser and know I need to grow a pair….

If the job is expected to have overseas travel, and the parents knew that when they took the jobs, then it isn’t unreasonable. Not the companies issue that they are a couple with a child together

Or maybe he could stay home while she goes, since they work together.

Your 'friend' is taking CFery to a new level. Four days with a one-year-old - she's taking the absolute piss. I wouldn't even agree to do that for a family member. One night, maybe. But four - nah. What kind of person just palms their kid off on acquaintances for days at a time?!

No just trying to ask is this a long term friendship?
Could the OP ask favour's back

I think it's worth looking at the bigger picture here?
Good friends are hard to find.

The CF asked 3 days ago, but OP actually responded and said no yesterday. So it was only 48 hours after the CF tried to railroad the OP that she messaged to refuse to be railroaded - if I'm reading the posts right.

And it's in October, so the CF has plenty of time to find a nanny who she can pay to do this job - or choose to stay home and mind her own kid :)

No matter how friendly I was with someone, there’s no way in hell I’d look after their 19 month old for 4 days when they weren’t even in the same country.

Hahahahahaha!

Agree. And a normal person would never, ever, ever ask this of any friend unless there was some massive emergency, like a death or sudden emergency trip to hospital.

Are there actually any 19 month olds that are ‘no trouble at all’? 😂

@SparklyGlitterballs

I am curious about your response.

Re: sat on this for a while - the OP replied in 3 days and the event is in October.
Even if there are no grandparents or siblings around, how is this OP's problem?

To those saying "it take's a village":

The child in question has 2 parents. Why can they not work it out between themselves? Maybe one of them has to miss the trip. Maybe they need to put their hands in their pockets and pay for childcare (babysitter, nanny, au pair) for their own children. That is what most of us do when we dont have grandparents, siblings, cousins, aunties on hand. We actually make parenting arrangements for our own children in line with our responsibilities as the actual parents.

It's wonderful for all those I read about on here who have family help.

Some of us have absolutely none and we sort ourselves out as our little family unit and don't make absolutely p*ss taking requests of other people who have their own commitments.

@FlyingHighandDry well done for your texts. Hope you can relax now.

Yes. One you have palmed off onto someone else for four days

Unless I'm missing something, it says their older DC already has childcare so why can't they take the 19 month old?

As a previous poster said, don't say "I'm sorry", "I'm afraid" etc as it leads into the idea that it's a reasonable request or that you share responsibility for whatever the favour is. So you can say "I'm sorry, I won't be able to do that" to your spouse but stop the "I'm sorry" part for a friend.

Be very careful of your language with this one as she's already acting as though it's your responsibility and you're being unreasonable. Practice phrases like "I'd need to think about that / I'll have to check my diary / that's not something I can commit to / I'm sure you'll make it work". Or be non-committal and say something vague like "what can you do, that's life with kids" which again puts the responsibility on her, not you to find a solution.

Also, remember that a reasonable person wouldn't have tried to strong-arm you into this, and it's not in yours or the toddler's best interests.

Nope, not even the sweetest. And even if they were cryogenically frozen for four days there is still NO WAY I'd be taking the responsibility for the life, health, safety and welfare of a toddler not directly related to me for four days while their mum went on a holiday to another country with their husband.

And I strongly strongly suspect that the CF does not have to go. She wants to. But either way, it is definitely a CF fucker problem. So glad the OP said no.

I know that. I was pointing out that her friend’s short notice comment makes no sense; she only asked 3 days ago so she can’t claim it’s short notice when she only just asked. If she actually considers this short notice, then that means she asked for help at her own definition of short notice. So she can do one. It’s her own fault.

Ha, yes that’s a fair reply 😂

I bet she’ll fall out with you now. That type always do. But it’s no loss to you.

Haven’t RTFT but well done for telling them it won’t work OP

DC is really no trouble at all

"Great, you'll have no trouble finding someone else to care for them so. Hope the mini break work trip goes well."

Then ignore all other attempts OP.

I could understand if you gave her like a weeks notice…. But 2 months notice when she asked you three days ago?? Sounds like a friend you won’t miss!

Well done gosh she’s cheeky. It’s 8 weeks ago and she only asked you 3 days ago. Repeat and rinse and repeat as necessary

That would be the most awesome outcome for OP. Otherwise, I really really hope she fades out of this person's life.

“you say it is short notice to find someone else, but I let you know in 48hours about your request for me to take a sizeable chunk of my annual leave to benefit you. It is too short notice for me to request almost a week of annual leave. “

you may not have 4 days left if you allocated it throughout a 12 month period anyway!!!

nannies can travel with the toddler and parents.

She’s a massive CF and you don’t need her in your life. Also, it’s not ‘really short notice’ to arrange childcare for October! Tell her to F off.

She is not a friend. A good friend would never expect this from you.