Did DH have a thing for this woman & why won't he admit it?

[mrsembarassed69]

I have no reason to be worried about him cheating (or trying to, she'd have to reciprocate), but I suspect DH has a thing for a younger woman who's an acquaintance. She's a woman who lives locally, goes to our gym and occasionally one of our local pubs. We see her once every month or so, sometimes he's seen her own (he'll briefly mention it).

We've been married since we were 20 (now 50).

Although DH doesn't say much about this woman, I've seen how he looks at her. He literally stares a hole through her like he's transfixed. She must notice. Others might have noticed. He is always fascinated by what she's saying as has lots of questions. And ridiculous jokes or stories. Although he can be talkative with anyone, he doesn't act that interested.

You can't miss it, and I had a go at him about last time, and said, "anyone would think you fancy her....she's young enough to be your daughter! You've embarrassed me but yourself more". DH just said, "no I don't she's so young....she's so young she doesn't know what X is and who Y is, etc".

The next time we saw her in the gym, DH starts peppering every other sentence with, "aww, you're so young you don't know what Seinfield is", or something like that. He also made a point of mentioning, "we live in London now, and I love it, and so does [my name], which is lucky."

It just seems so conspicuous. Do you think it's embarrassing? Why doesn't he just admit he has a thing for her (I think he probably does)?

He obviously does fancy her. As for why he won’t admit it? If he admits it he knows, or thinks, it’ll hurt you I suppose. Nothing to be gained by saying it.

I fancy loads of men. I wouldn’t tell dh. It wouldn’t be nice, would it? I’d never act on it.

Does it matter, he didn’t die from the waist down When he met you, so what if he finds other women attractive, it’s normal. As long as he doesn’t act on it or cheat; you can’t stop him finding other women attractive, he’s clearly trying to hide it and you’re obviously jealous, what good would admitting it do?

Yes, it’s very embarrassing.

Just remember how uncomfortable it felt when you were young and some old man stared at you… 🤢

Tell him to stop it.

Yes it sounds as though he fancies her, but don't we all fancy someone sometimes? As long as he doesn't make a fool of himself, there's no problem.

I hope she doesn’t feel uncomfortable. Perhaps you’ve picked up on it as you know him very well and she’s not - hopefully.

Given how you’re reacting to your suspicion that he fancies her, I don’t think he’s likely to admit it if he does!

He literally stares a hole through her like he's transfixed. She must notice. Others might have noticed.

Yes she probably has noticed him staring a hole through her, transfixed, and so have other people.

Sadly, young women do (unfortunately almost have to) become used to letchy older men like your husband, behaving as he is. And are conditioned to ignore it, be polite, pretend you haven’t noticed, don’t upset him, etc.

I see men like your husband all the time, at the gym, eyes on stalks, sitting at the traffic lights outside my house practically drooling, perving at the sixth form (and younger girls) waiting to cross the road. Sad bastards.

Sorry you’re married to a creep. Choose better if you ever marry again.

Telling him off probably didn't help in that regard.... I felt annoyed and couldn't hold it in. I also think, after 30 years together, it's easy to just be open and say how you feel.

What exactly do you expect from him?

He's got a little crush and he's trying to distance himself from her and bringing you into conversation.

He sounds sweet actually

I do love my DH, we've been together since we were 20, we were each other's first partner.

I've never acted infatuated with another man like DH has with this young woman.

This is true, he is sweet, but since I 'had words with him', he's still gone back and chatted with her and teased her (I know because I overheard him when I was in the gym changing room).

I think he genuinely does care about my feeling and he doesn't want me to feel hurt.

His behaviour is disrespectful to his wife.

Having a little crush is normal. Staring at her is creepy.

I don't think he's aware that he stares. Now I've drawn his attention to it, hopefully he'll reign it in.

Having a crush is one thing, his behaviour is quite another. Tell him just to say hi and move on, he doesn't need a half hour conversation with someone he sees around and barely knows.

You know him well enough to understand his reactions to people, so I don’t doubt that he fancies her, but you’re his wife. He’s hardly likely to admit to his wife that he fancies someone young enough to be his daughter.

I think I’d sit him down when you’re at home and tell him that you don’t expect him to never notice other women. But you’ve already warned him his attraction is becoming painfully obvious and now it’s getting to the point where you feel disrespected. And that’s where it has to stop. Just as significant is that 99% of the time, women can tell when men are attracted to us. She’s going to know he has a crush on her and she’s going to be very uncomfortable about it if you’re stood next to him while he’s puffing his feathers out for her benefit. Maybe it’s time to point out to him that she’s going to feel just as uncomfortable with him, as he would feel if one of his mum’s friends made it clear she fancied him.

He's gotten to know her a little bit by seeing her around over a period of 2 years, knows all about her job and her hobbies.

DH is a chatty person, but he doesn't gawp at everyone and he doesn't tease everyone.

I have told him to keep his distance, when I told him about his staring a few months back.

What if you went to the gym at a different time to your DH? I would go at a time when there may be good-looking men with bulging muscles, working out.

I think there are two issues at play. You mention his staring is obvious and so respectful which is valid, but then say you’re expecting him to acknowledge that he fancies her. This bit isn’t necessary and wouldn’t change the behaviour, if that’s what bothers you. He is also allowed his privacy, as you are too. I would explain that you’re uncomfortable with the staring and ask that he makes an effort to stop that. As for chatting with her, if he talks to a lot of people, it’s harmless and you can’t really suggest he can only talk to unattractive people. If the content of what he is saying is not sexual and inappropriate, there’s no harm in it. Sometimes, these silly little crushes can give you a bit of a spring in your step and make you feel young again. They’re harmless if your husband is a good man.

How are you and the lady in the same circle considering she’s young enough to be his daughter?

There are people of all ages in gyms. I’m 52 and regularly train with people younger than me, or in the vicinity of. It’s fairly typical.

She's a woman who lives locally, goes to our gym and occasionally one of our local pubs

they’re not in the same circle (didn’t realise adult friendships had age limits). Quite easy to get to talk to someone who you see around often

We aren't in a friendship circle, she's an acquaintance who lives locally, who he (and later both of us) stop to chat to for 5 minutes or so in the gym usually or sometimes the pub.

@WilfredsPies Just as significant is that 99% of the time, women can tell when men are attracted to us. She’s going to know he has a crush on her and she’s going to be very uncomfortable about it if you’re stood next to him while he’s puffing his feathers out for her benefit.

She's much younger than us, early 30s at most, so I'm not sure whether she'll instantly know DH fancies her.... she might just think he's holding eye contact to be polite/seem interested? She probably wouldn't expect a 50 year old man to fancy her....