Did DH have a thing for this woman & why won't he admit it?

[mrsembarassed69]

I have no reason to be worried about him cheating (or trying to, she'd have to reciprocate), but I suspect DH has a thing for a younger woman who's an acquaintance. She's a woman who lives locally, goes to our gym and occasionally one of our local pubs. We see her once every month or so, sometimes he's seen her own (he'll briefly mention it).

We've been married since we were 20 (now 50).

Although DH doesn't say much about this woman, I've seen how he looks at her. He literally stares a hole through her like he's transfixed. She must notice. Others might have noticed. He is always fascinated by what she's saying as has lots of questions. And ridiculous jokes or stories. Although he can be talkative with anyone, he doesn't act that interested.

You can't miss it, and I had a go at him about last time, and said, "anyone would think you fancy her....she's young enough to be your daughter! You've embarrassed me but yourself more". DH just said, "no I don't she's so young....she's so young she doesn't know what X is and who Y is, etc".

The next time we saw her in the gym, DH starts peppering every other sentence with, "aww, you're so young you don't know what Seinfield is", or something like that. He also made a point of mentioning, "we live in London now, and I love it, and so does [my name], which is lucky."

It just seems so conspicuous. Do you think it's embarrassing? Why doesn't he just admit he has a thing for her (I think he probably does)?

A swinger couple?! Because we attend the same gym?! I highly doubt she thinks that. We aren't standing outside her gym class watching her. We chat to her outside the changing rooms/outside the building in a nearby coffee/smoothie place... We sometimes see her in the pub too.

She might find my DH creepy though.

Because he is being so obvious with you in close proximity, that's what I meant.

No, we can't. Not without a lot of work, anyway, and few people need to do that work.

We can, though, choose not to project our feelings onto other people. Especially when doing so is low-key offensive to the object of our lust, disrespectful to our partner and makes us look like a pitiable creep.

We rightly complain when our partners do the swivel-head stare at passing women: you can't help your 'phwoar!' response but you can choose not to act on it like some dog sniffing bottoms.

I’m sure he looks lovely.

But he’s not going to be the choice of the majority of women who are young enough to be his daughter. Especially if he’s staring at them like you’ve described and is trying to flirt with them while you’re only feet away from him.

So do you mean you have a sort of, 'ignorance is bliss' set up, ie you just want your DH to hide it and know nothing of it if he fancies any other women I know you weren’t talking to me but I definitely do. I never want to feel embarrassed because he’s staring at some woman, irrespective of their age. I never want to feel disrespected because he’s trying to chat her up right in front of me. I would never, ever do that to him and I expect the same courtesy in return. If he can’t hide it, then he needs to fuck off somewhere else until he’s over it. I might have accepted that sort of nonsense many years ago, from previous partners, when I was young and stupid and my self esteem was on the floor, but I’m used to better now. My bar is high and it’s staying there.

I’d agree with that, in general. But the point is that it doesn’t really matter what he thinks he’s capable of. What matters is what he says and what he does and how he’s making you feel when he says and does those things. And your DH has crossed the line between keeping it in his own head, and royally taking the piss, both out of you and out of the poor sod he’s convinced would be his, if only he wasn’t a married man.

You never felt that sense of disgust as a young woman being hit on by a much older man, and so therefore it’s not disgusting for anyone? Is that what you’re saying? Because it sounds like that’s what you’re saying.

Who a man fancies is irrelevant, assuming they’re over 18. But many young women do feel disgust at the thought of someone old enough to be their dad, trying to flirt with them. It’s not an abnormal reaction.

I agree it's a lack of respect (and, in the case of my DH, a lack of self awareness, I don't he realised he was gawping), but would you really end a 30 year marriage over it?

You’re inferring things that aren’t there in an attempt to blast me for some reason. I’m just saying that feeling utter disgust at a bloke you’re friends with going a bit moon eyed (OP never said he was hitting on her) isn’t every younger woman’s reaction. And that it’s overly dramatic to say all young women are recoiling in horror at older men.

Perfect response.

I'm a bit amazed at the posters assuming that a woman in her late 20s or 30s would automatically find attention from a man of 50 unwelcome, or that a man of 50 is necessarily 'creepy', 'repulsive', 'sleazy' or embarrassing. Fifty is hardly ancient, and age-gap relationships are not unusual. It's likely that this woman is aware of his attraction may even welcome it.

But the point is he's married and his obvious behaviour is, unsurprisingly, hurtful for the OP. In any good relationship, once you realise your behaviour is hurting your partner, you stop. But the OP needs to talk to him (without accusing him) to make sure he does realise the effect his crush is having.

This. Unless he’s being creepy and then you wouldn’t stop to talk. Otherwise it’s harmless and just part of life.

came say I’ve ever been when an older man has respectfully fancied me. I love a chat, maybe she does too

No! Sounds a bit extreme.

Just explain to him how embarrassing it is for him, hurtful for you and creepy for the woman.

He is old enough to be capable of turning his attraction off.

I'm not for a minute suggesting he is blind and can't notice a pretty young woman or that as women we are blind to a handsome man.

It's the disrespect of having it clearly noticed by you and commented upon.

That is what I would find so offensive.
Basic courtesy and self respect should prevent him from staring and oggling her so that you notice and feel you have to check him.

Of course she notices.
You are a very patient woman.

So do you mean you have a sort of, 'ignorance is bliss' set up, ie you just want your DH to hide it and know nothing of it if he fancies any other women.

Ultimately we can never know someone else's thoughts. All we can see is their actions.
I'd love to think my DH is so devoted to me that he'd never so much as notice another woman. It's probably bollox though, but as long as I'm unaware then it's much the same thing really.
Whereas your DH hasn't bothered to protect your feelings.

I don't think this is one to worry about.

It's normal to find someone else attractive from time to time. It's not normal to be telling your partner about it. Why would you?

It doesn't sound like he's being sneaky or doing anything inappropriate.

I went to a new running club recently and was taken aback by how good looking the run leader was. He was gorgeous. So what? I'm certainly not going to tell DH about it!

I went to a new running club recently and was taken aback by how good looking the run leader was. He was gorgeous. So what? I'm certainly not going to tell DH about it!

The problem is that the husband has in effect told OP by openly gawking.

I do also think there's a difference between clocking that someone is attractive (we all have eyes), and actually being drawn to someone to the point of having a crush on them, which would be a lot more hurtful to the spouse or partner.

In this instance he sounds creepy and I couldn't be with a creep I have higher standards but separate to that of someone finds someone attractive why does someone have to admit it

Why are people not entitled to non creepy thoughts and why do women thinl they own men enough to police this?

But do you fancy your husband? 🤔

Wait what? You would actually say to your husband that you fancy someone else, a real person, that you both know?

Its one thing thinking someone is attractive, but actually ‘fancying’ someone, to me that’s wanting to ride them.

No way would I be admitting that, and honestly if I felt that I would be asking myself some serious questions.

I am really scratching my head here, are people genuinely able to ‘turn off feelings’ as they age? That’s absolutely shocking. I hope I never have to do that.

Does he lack self awareness in other areas of life?

Self-control?

Do you act on all your feelings? Anger? Envy? Attraction?

Surely you understand what I mean by turning it off? Distract yourself until those feelings pass.

Or you’re saying this young woman has to endure the sleazy looks of an old man who can’t control his feelings?

Part of growing up is learning to control your feelings and knowing that you can’t always have or do what you want.

🤦🏻‍♀️ If we’re talking about inferring things that aren’t there, I suggest we start looking at your responses, shall we? You’ve taken a tiny sentence out of context and tried to blow it up into a big debate over whether all women feel one particular way in every single instance. Well of course they bloody don’t; I never suggested they did. And I most definitely didn’t say that all young women were recoiling in horror from older men. I simply asked the OP whether she remembered the feeling. If you don’t remember it, or never felt it, then great, good for you. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist when an attraction isn’t reciprocated.

And I’m not trying to blast you; I’m responding to your implication that I’m making something up, or being ‘overly dramatic’ simply because it’s not something that you’ve ever felt. Obviously the older you get, the less an age difference matters and the less likely you are to feel like that. But it is not an uncommon feeling amongst younger women. Perhaps you should count yourself lucky that you’ve never been made to feel uncomfortable in that respect.

Also, I’m well aware that the OP never said he was hitting on her. You said it. I was using your wording.

Now if you want to carry on this debate then you feel free, but the OP is having an uncomfortable time of it right now and I don’t think us bickering on her thread is going to be helping her, do you?