Did DH have a thing for this woman & why won't he admit it?

[mrsembarassed69]

I have no reason to be worried about him cheating (or trying to, she'd have to reciprocate), but I suspect DH has a thing for a younger woman who's an acquaintance. She's a woman who lives locally, goes to our gym and occasionally one of our local pubs. We see her once every month or so, sometimes he's seen her own (he'll briefly mention it).

We've been married since we were 20 (now 50).

Although DH doesn't say much about this woman, I've seen how he looks at her. He literally stares a hole through her like he's transfixed. She must notice. Others might have noticed. He is always fascinated by what she's saying as has lots of questions. And ridiculous jokes or stories. Although he can be talkative with anyone, he doesn't act that interested.

You can't miss it, and I had a go at him about last time, and said, "anyone would think you fancy her....she's young enough to be your daughter! You've embarrassed me but yourself more". DH just said, "no I don't she's so young....she's so young she doesn't know what X is and who Y is, etc".

The next time we saw her in the gym, DH starts peppering every other sentence with, "aww, you're so young you don't know what Seinfield is", or something like that. He also made a point of mentioning, "we live in London now, and I love it, and so does [my name], which is lucky."

It just seems so conspicuous. Do you think it's embarrassing? Why doesn't he just admit he has a thing for her (I think he probably does)?

That’s because in mumsnet they normalize this type of obsession and then act all angry when an affair happens! If she gave him the come on would he go with her? Sounds like it, I don’t fancy anyone other than my partner, he’s my only one and even seeing a good lookin man is as far as it’s goes, would never act like that or stare etc, so normislimg this behaviour isn’t right.

"They try and normalise this type of behaviour"

I think it is normal for older men to go a bit giggly / gallant / jocular.

Sometimes women do it, too. I hope if I were a bit stricken by a younger man (hasn't happened yet) then I could hide it better than this chap is doing.

But you’re clearly feeling upset and jealous over it (understandably) so if he has developed a little crush he can’t help I can understand not wanting to tell you about it and make it a thing and have a row and upset you.

I wouldn’t confess every crush I’ve ever had to a partner because they’re just transient parts of being an adult doing life (unless he acts on it which is obviously a completely different story!)

No, but you can choose how to show/diffuse/alter/communicate that attraction. He’s being vile.

Another reason men are fucking grim.

Does he get excited over women his age too?
Nah I wouldn’t accept “he can’t help it”. Good men see young women in a fatherly way.

By that definition, there are no good men

No there are plenty about, you can tell by how they act and they don’t give creep vibes.
But also plenty of sleazy fuckers too.

I don't understand why someone would interrogate their partner about whether they found another woman attractive, or if that happened then why he'd say yes.

People who insist their partner can only have eyes for them are delusional and weird.

But surely if you find someone attractive you do…. Fancy them? If that person is of a sex you find attractive that is.

The only exception for me is very young men, so under about 35 for me…. I can recognise that they might be handsome, but I don’t fancy them as I think they look like my nephew’s friends!

I don’t think men are put off by a woman being much younger (within reason, my DH probably wouldn’t fancy an 18-24 I’d think), in the same way that lots of women are.

Does he lack self awareness in other areas of life?

Socially yes. He doesn’t realise when people are fed up of hearing his monologues, or when he’s annoyed but shouldn’t be showing it, he does show it ok his face.

In this instance, he liked the look of this woman and clearly didn’t realise he was staring at her. I really doubt he thought to himself, before bumping into her, “oh X is really pretty… think I’ll gawp at her in front of my wife for a few minutes, wife won’t notice”. I think he was genuinely oblivious! I assume he must have gawped at this woman when I’m not there at some points.

I don’t understand this post.

What's your problem? That he fancies her or that he's embarrassing you?

You can't actually force him to "just be honest". You might have been married for decades but he's still a person in hiwls own right, you don't get to control his crushes or force him to tell you private things that you'll then beat him over the head with.

How on earth is your belligerent badgering helping your relationship?

Me neither. There is a difference in knowing someone is good looking and actually fancying someone. There could be hundreds of people that are attractive but you couldn’t fancy all of them (in my mind anyway) just one or two.

Your husband fancies her. No way would he admit that to you, no matter how open you are.

Sad, but true. How many famous men are with a woman 20 years younger?

Because it’s weird to make your wife insecure by showing attraction to a woman 20 years younger than her. If it was equal it would be different (if she was being like that around young men)

Every day I’m glad I’m single when I see old men perving on me and others while his wife is looking elsewhere, with no idea.

Since I had words with him, he has reigned it in, at least somewhat, in front of me.

I didn't interrogate my DH, I actually didn't ask him outright, 'do you fancy her?', I just commented on his staring and said something like, 'the way you were looking at her, anyone would think that you fancied her!', and I was clearly cheesed off. He replied by mumbling, 'well, no...come on.... look how young she is...she's so young that she doesn't know what x is, or who y is'. And I just said, 'well, you embarrassed yourself by looking at her like that....don't be so chatty in future.'

No, not that I've seen.

I didn’t interrogate him. Would asking him to avoid her and avoid talking to her at length be reasonable though? He has no need to talk to her beyond a polite hello and weather chat.

I actually don’t believe he’d start up an affair with her, even if she did give him the go-ahead. Not because I’m in niave, but because we’ve been together all of our adult lives, we were each other’s first partner at 19 at university. He definitely loves and cares about me; he wouldn’t throw away 30 years.

That doesn’t matter to so many men OP, you could have the closest bond and the longest history and they will still feed their egos and get their dick wet. Look at all the men who implode their family lives, and for what? You need to watch him, what he’s doing is grim enough but he is enjoying himself.

I don’t understand how you could read the OP’s post and infer from anything she said that she was interrogating him.

I also don’t understand why you’re referring to people who insist that their partners can only have eyes for them, when not one single person on this entire thread has said that. Are you getting confused over the notion that there are women who don’t want to be disrespected by their partner’s behaviour?

Yes he fancies her. He fancies lots of other women but it is socially unacceptable to admit it. Even though it is completely natural.

At the same time, he is being an annoying creep and needs to leave her alone.