Did DH have a thing for this woman & why won't he admit it?

[mrsembarassed69]

I have no reason to be worried about him cheating (or trying to, she'd have to reciprocate), but I suspect DH has a thing for a younger woman who's an acquaintance. She's a woman who lives locally, goes to our gym and occasionally one of our local pubs. We see her once every month or so, sometimes he's seen her own (he'll briefly mention it).

We've been married since we were 20 (now 50).

Although DH doesn't say much about this woman, I've seen how he looks at her. He literally stares a hole through her like he's transfixed. She must notice. Others might have noticed. He is always fascinated by what she's saying as has lots of questions. And ridiculous jokes or stories. Although he can be talkative with anyone, he doesn't act that interested.

You can't miss it, and I had a go at him about last time, and said, "anyone would think you fancy her....she's young enough to be your daughter! You've embarrassed me but yourself more". DH just said, "no I don't she's so young....she's so young she doesn't know what X is and who Y is, etc".

The next time we saw her in the gym, DH starts peppering every other sentence with, "aww, you're so young you don't know what Seinfield is", or something like that. He also made a point of mentioning, "we live in London now, and I love it, and so does [my name], which is lucky."

It just seems so conspicuous. Do you think it's embarrassing? Why doesn't he just admit he has a thing for her (I think he probably does)?

Oh wow I actually think you’re delusional! Especially given what you’ve said about his quirks, and just how infatuated he is. I bet he absolutely would shag her if he thought he’d never ever get caught.

@Disturbia81 Oh trust me I do watch him! I look at his phone when he isn’t looking, and I’d notice any odd behaviour (i.e going out unexpectedly, at an unusual time).

He does seem infatuated but that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s trying to shag her? Even if he wanted to, he knows our marriage would be over…. He would end up getting caught. We both work from home and he has no passcode on his phone.

There’s also the fact that this woman would have to reciprocate his feelings and give him the green light…. And there’s nothing to suggest that she does or has.

I am keeping an eye on DH though. There’s been nothing so far to suggest any attempt to cheat.

Until he starts building a shrine to her, or you find he's covered the walls of the shed with pictures of her taken with a telephoto lens, I wouldn't worry.

@JackGrealishsBobbySocks
Are you referring to that film with Robin Williams, One Hour Photo? 😅

I don’t agree with that, they would throw away everything for 10 minutes of sex once their head has been turned like that. Nothing or nobody can stop them (in my experience)

OP, your OP asked why won’t he admit it. Why do you think he won’t?

All men everywhere? Surely every man who has been married for decades has fancied another woman at some point, and sometimes that woman might have even reciprocated, but do all of those men want to cheat?

My DH hasn't gone beyond silly chat with this woman, especially since I had a bit of a go at him. He made an effort of shoe horning me into the conversation, and commenting on how young she is.

I fully understand why you might think I'm niave or delusional, but trust me, I would notice if DH was acting out of character or sneaking around. Plus, this woman would have to reciprocate and be up for it....she's done nothing to suggest that. I have got my eyes open, don't worry!!

Not entirely sure, so I was picking the brains of Mumsnetters. I think most likely to spare my feelings, not cause an argument.... but it made he obvious with his behaviour.

But you posted for a reason didn’t you my lovely. What were you hoping to get from this thread?

I did, I just wanted some insight from other women. Just the fancying is hurtful, he doesn't need to act on it.

Do you not need him to admit it anymore then?

But what do you expext him to do? For him to say yes I like her? Then what? Of course he won't admit it, he doesn't want to hurt you. Nothing qrong with the conersation maybe a little patronising if something. Staring is different though, if he stares he might .ake her feel uncomfortable and you as well. Hopefully he will be more aware after you told him and make efforts to avoid it. Crushed are harmless if they are not acted upon they come and go. Don't worry too much!

I don't know what I want him to do, to be honest.

Silly fool.
She probably laughs about his behaviour with her friends, he's a weird old man to her generation.
Start flicking through photos of hot younger men, he'll realise that it is creepy.

At this point then, you need to take yourself off and have a deep inventory about yourself because you’re looking for answers he can’t give you. And I think you know that.

Because it’s true, his is probably thinking about her non stop. Nobody is going to admit that, to their wife!!

Even someone who has been married for 50years will risk it for a biscuit once the feeling takes over them.

Your husband IS acting out of character, that’s why you are posting. Sorry I know it’s hard to take in, but it’s also true.

"My DH hasn't gone beyond silly chat with this woman, especially since I had a bit of a go at him. He made an effort of shoe horning me into the conversation, and commenting on how young she is."

Do you not realise how patronising the pair of you are being 'commenting on how young she is'? I'm near 60, I've never watched Seinfeld. My DD has had this sort of thing happen and she's had to change gyms. No young man has ever been bothered to this extent by an older woman, why you can't see how problematic his behaviour is, is very odd tbh. She's being polite to the strange old couple and the pair of you need to start treating her as an equal and stop with the comments. Would you like agest commentsevery time you go to exercise?. This is a prime example of how over sexualised young women are to the point it affects their day to day existence. So now he's talking at her, about you and then being condescending about her age. Let's hope one day she plucks up courage to tell him to do one.

Why doesn't he just admit he has a thing for her

Because you'd very obviously be annoyed and constantly niggle him about it, I expect. Nobody really wants to turn round to their husband/wife and say 'Yeah, I really fancy that hot younger woman/bloke you're clearly very jealous about.'

It's pretty normal for people to find other people attractive. They aren't having an affair and he'd probably never even consider attempting to make a move on her. I'm a 49-year-old woman with a partner, and I'm not immune to finding men attractive or having a little crush. There is nothing weird about that; biologically we're programmed to find other human beings attractive sometimes. My partner and I both work at the same place and I'm pretty sure he must find some of the women we work with/are friends with attractive; I certainly would if I was a straight man. But I wouldn't in a million years go on at him asking him to confess to it, and neither would he do the same to me over a good-looking bloke.

This
Stop excusing him OP, he’s a creep.
It doesn’t matter that she won’t reciprocate, it’s him who shouldn’t be feeling or acting like this.

He might think her about her often but non stop? I doubt he’s stalker level obsessed. Yes he may have a crush and he might think about her sometimes, but he’s not (well I seriously doubt anyway) that creepily obsessed.

I don’t deny that he’s acted like a creep, but since we’ve had words he’s knows I’m watching him. He won’t just go to the gym without me (well I always make sure I go along anyway now) when this girl might be there.

Well, you can’t do anything about what he’s doing bar threaten to throw him out if he doesn’t stop it. But that’s a bit drastic at this stage. How about a little retaliatory action? I’m sure you see lots of good looking young men when you’re out and about, be sure to have a good look and drool when he’s with you. Make sure he notices. I’m sure he’ll feel old and past it and ill-compared to a younger model like you do. He won’t like it either. If he didn’t stop it after that I’d tell him straight, it stops or I’m gone (or rather, you’re gone!) You’ll do what you need to do. It’s certainly not normal to behave like that and it’s totally disloyal to you. I’d be fuming though reading everyone else’s comments, they wouldn’t care. Now that I find strange.

@BauhausOfEliott Thank you. I don’t know what I wanted from DH re this woman to be honest. Possibly for him just to have been more respectful about it, and not to be so overly friendly. He has toned it down since I had a word with him.

Some posts here are automatically jumping to the conclusion that my DH is ready to cheat if this woman showed interest in him. I’m not convinced that’s true….and not because I’m niave, but just because I haven’t seen any evidence or opportunity for him trying to cheat. And we WFH and I see his phone all the time. There’s no secrecy.

I am not excusing him, if I was happy with his behaviour I wouldn’t have started this thread.

I just don’t think we can change our actual feelings. We (he) can change how he acts though.

This, make him feel like you do OP. It’s always the man doing this shit! Making the woman feel crap.