Did DH have a thing for this woman & why won't he admit it?

[mrsembarassed69]

I have no reason to be worried about him cheating (or trying to, she'd have to reciprocate), but I suspect DH has a thing for a younger woman who's an acquaintance. She's a woman who lives locally, goes to our gym and occasionally one of our local pubs. We see her once every month or so, sometimes he's seen her own (he'll briefly mention it).

We've been married since we were 20 (now 50).

Although DH doesn't say much about this woman, I've seen how he looks at her. He literally stares a hole through her like he's transfixed. She must notice. Others might have noticed. He is always fascinated by what she's saying as has lots of questions. And ridiculous jokes or stories. Although he can be talkative with anyone, he doesn't act that interested.

You can't miss it, and I had a go at him about last time, and said, "anyone would think you fancy her....she's young enough to be your daughter! You've embarrassed me but yourself more". DH just said, "no I don't she's so young....she's so young she doesn't know what X is and who Y is, etc".

The next time we saw her in the gym, DH starts peppering every other sentence with, "aww, you're so young you don't know what Seinfield is", or something like that. He also made a point of mentioning, "we live in London now, and I love it, and so does [my name], which is lucky."

It just seems so conspicuous. Do you think it's embarrassing? Why doesn't he just admit he has a thing for her (I think he probably does)?

I think it’s not his fault if he fancies her. You say he wouldn’t cheat and after you got annoyed he’s clearly tried to do the right thing and mention his wife a lot and note how she’s very young etc.

He can’t help fancying someone

I think it’s not his fault if he fancies her. You say he wouldn’t cheat and after you got annoyed he’s clearly tried to do the right thing and mention his wife a lot and note how she’s very young etc.

He can’t help fancying someone

Oh and as a 30 year old we know when older men fancy us. We’re not thick! We generally just don’t care.

Maybe the first time, but if he’s staring at her enough that you’ve noticed, then she’s going to have noticed as well. Think about all the men who have fancied you over the years. Especially when you’ve been young and lovely and vivacious and they’ve been wrinkly old duffers who could have been at school with your dad. Remember that sinking feeling of disgust when you began to feel a bit uncomfortable and then realised with horror that they weren’t just being polite?

I mean, it’s possible that maybe she genuinely hasn’t noticed, and thinks that he’s staring at her because she reminds him of someone. Or he’s teasing her because he thinks of her as a daughter figure and/or is just a bit lonely and wants a friend. But someone in their thirties has been around long enough to know the difference between a man asking questions because he’s being chatty, and a man who is pushing his luck. She knows.

True, I think it still hurtful for the DW (well it is for me at least), because she seems to be everything that I'm not, although it's not uncommon for a crush to be nothing like our spouse.

Lots of you are very laid back! If my DH ever fancied or had a crush on someone I'd expect him to hide it well enough thst I was none the wiser. I'd find it very hurtful otherwise.

@WilfredsPies
Think about all the men who have fancied you over the years.

I don't think many have to be honest, although you are right about the leery old man and the poor younger woman trope...

But someone in their thirties has been around long enough to know the difference between a man asking questions because he’s being chatty, and a man who is pushing his luck. She knows.

Yes, wishful thinking on my part, she can't be so dense as to not have picked up on my DH's mooning! To be honest, I'm not sure whether this woman either likes his attention or fancies him back, because she always chats back to him instead of making excuses to leave. Although she might just be being polite.

It is hurtful, particularly when the object of the crush is very different to us. Leering in public is never appropriate.

On the other hand, hiding it won't make it go away....

Yes I can see that being hurtful. But in my experience fancying someone to the extent you moon over them tends to be more chemical than anything else - sometimes it’s the weirdest or most unlikely people you find yourself attracted to and it doesn’t mean you don’t also fancy your partner!

As long as he knows not to be a prat then I’d try to let it go. Although of course I’d mock him mercilessly any time we bumped into her together - as is my right as a wife

Yuk. He sounds like a proper perv.

@WilfredsPiesi think it’s a bit harsh that you’re imagining she should be recoiling in horror at the thought of a 50 year old fancying her. 50 year olds are still humans with feelings not decrepit ghosts 😂 I’ve never felt horror and disgust just slightly bemused

He isn't just 'fancying' her, he's fixating on her. It's extremely disrespectful behaviour, discomfiting and potentially threatening.

OP, when all three of you are together, why not say things like "Oh, DH, leave her alone! She doesn't have to explain herself to you." By acting like you haven't noticed anything, you reinforce the pretence that nothing unusual is happening. If she's less than perfectly confident, she may be doubting herself and thus leaving herself open to wilful misinterpretation by him.

If he's boring holes in her while other people are around, try making fun of him. "DH, you're gawking at Sally again. Have you noticed, Friends, his eyes come out on stalks whenever she's around? Like a prawn, haha." (You can probably do better jokes.)

He shouldn’t be fancying younger women.

I think it’s a bit strange that you think she might be quite ok with it. I mean, there are women about who don’t mind an age difference of twenty odd years, but they tend to be the exception rather than the rule. Certainly none I can think of who would have thought anything other than ‘creep’ if he was trying his luck while his wife was getting changed just feet away.

It’s lovely for you that you’ve never felt horror or disgust at realising someone old enough to be your dad is trying to flirt with you, when you just thought they were being chatty and friendly. I’m over the moon for you that you’ve never felt that discomfort. I can’t imagine why you haven’t been made the spokesperson for all younger women who have been approached by much older men.

I’m 50. No longer young and can’t remember what being vivacious felt like. The thought of me trying to flirt with a 30 year old is utterly ridiculous. It wouldn’t even enter my wildest imagination that someone young enough to be my son would welcome the advances of someone my age, even if I did find them attractive. Are you telling me that you’d be happy to try your luck with someone twenty odd years younger than you? Simply because you still have feelings?

Sorry OP, you are very patient.
That poor young women.
Your husband is a sleazy creep and its clearly obvious.
I would find his behaviour mortifying and repulsive.
I sure as hell wouldn't tolerate him behaving like that.
She'd be welcome to him.
He has zero self respect or for you that he thinks putting such behaviour on show is acceptable.

I don't think she's an unlikely or unexpected crush to be honest...she's skinny, pretty....I'm fairly slim too, but she looks like the typical sort of young woman a middle aged man would fancy.

Quite - DH is not a bad looking man!

So do you mean you have a sort of, 'ignorance is bliss' set up, ie you just want your DH to hide it and know nothing of it if he fancies any other women.

It's horrible I agree, but can we choose who we're attracted to? It's a physical reaction.

I don't think he's sweet I think he sounds incredibly creepy. That poor woman being letched at the gym.

That's just what you want when you're in your lyrcra and working out, is some old man (in her eyes) staring hard a t her.

Gives me the boak.

I'm nearly 60 and creeps still stare at me at the gym when I'm doing squats or pelvic thrusts. Fucking perverts. Fuck off and letch somewhere else.

You need to tell your husband he must be making that woman feel very uncomfortable.

I never said I, or she, would welcome or want to be hit on by said older man. I just said it’s not disgusting that they clearly fancy a younger woman.

No I wouldn’t date, or hit on, someone so out of my age range. But I wouldn’t feel horror that human adult male is attracted to human adult female! I’d just laugh and get on with my day.

@WilfredsPies

I’m 50. No longer young and can’t remember what being vivacious felt like. The thought of me trying to flirt with a 30 year old is utterly ridiculous. It wouldn’t even enter my wildest imagination that someone young enough to be my son would welcome the advances of someone my age, even if I did find them attractive. Are you telling me that you’d be happy to try your luck with someone twenty odd years younger than you? Simply because you still have feelings?

I agree with your entire post, but as for the last part, I do think that men and women are a bit different in this regard. Men have huge egos; they like to believe that if they were single and wanted, they could have a younger, pretty woman. Women tend to be less egotistical I find.

He isn't trying to run away with her. He hasn't had the chance (he only bumps into her in public, sometimes with me), doesn't have and wouldn't ask for any of her contact details (there would be no need).

We've lived together for 30 years and work from home. If he wanted to cheat, I'd find out.

She definitely finds him creepy and she knows he fancies her but is too polite to say anything.
She probably thinks you're a swinger couple. Why else would you be hanging around when all this is going on?
Embarrassing on all fronts. He needs to leave the woman alone to enjoy her gym in peace.
Unless this is an ultra exclusive gym in an an exclusive expensive gated community and your DH is a billionaire and she only joined the gym to find herself a very wealthy husband at all costs, there is zero chance she entertains any ideas about reciprocating his interest.