Old men sitting next to me

[pamelanoon]

Does this happen to anyone else.

There is a little cafe near where i work. I go and have my lunch there. I sit at a small table with two chairs.

Two times, old men have come in by themselves and asked can they sit at my table. There are loads of free tables, so there is no need to sit at mine.

When I said no to the first man, he was really rude and called me a typical selfish female.

I then said to the restaurant staff that he was abusing me and they said "oh but he is very old".

He grumbled and went off to sit by himself.

The next time I went in, a different old man came in and asked if he could sit at my table.

The chairs are a bit more comfy at the table i was at, so I thought that he wanted the comfy chair.

I said to him "yes you can sit here, i will move to another table".

I moved to another table, he went to the counter, came back, and came over to me at the new table and asked could he sit with me at this second table! I said no you can sit over there, and he shuffled off angrily.

Right they are probably lonely, but i want to enjoy my lunch, i don't want to be sitting talking to an old man i dont know all through lunch!

What would you do?

Sorry to say this but it’s because young men aren’t trying to hit on you. Old men are. I know. It’s brutal , they’re awful. But it’s just that you’re not being approached by younger men. You’re being approached by older men. And they honestly think they have a chance with you. Maybe they just want to feed off female energy. Yes. It’s awful. Young men don’t need to do this, they have plenty of options and you’re not on their radar. But young men get old and then they’ll be doing it too. And yes it’s shit. But the point I’m making is that old men are just young men with less options

and yet its never young men that do it to me.
Only old men. I do think that old men use their age as a way to abuse other people

It is a male/generation thing - I would say 40's upwards. I had it waiting for a train. Man came and sat next to me and asked 'do you want to chat' I said no. proceeded to talk one way drivel to me for next 20 mins when my train arrived. I was there to provide an ear hole service.

Same for other men - they talk, we have to listen. I would not mind a two way conversation but so many are not capable of it. Or when they do try tend to dumb down the conversation to what they think we can contribute to.

tbh my DF is like this. He won't (and never did) bother talking to me but will discuss anything with my brother.

Yes they are lonlier.

But they can still fuck off.

When i am old and lonely i won't be creeping over young men.

There is a certain type of older man who believes he is entitled to the bodies of young women. They genuinely do not see themselves as having less options. The kind of guy who would view dating me, at 52, with utter contempt and doesn't realise I wouldn't even give him a sympathy wank. It's OUR fault if they don't get the women they want, because all women are stuck up, etc.

My point is though… that they’ve always thought that… even when they were younger. I get what you’re saying but that issue has always existed within them. It just comes out when they’re older

What a spiteful post. Older men aren’t necessarily hitting on OP, they are seeing a woman alone and using their age as an excuse to bother her.

None of that means OP is only attractive enough to old men. 🙄

Not a spiteful post. I’m just saying men, the type of men who are like that… have always been like that. They didn’t just become like that because they’re ‘old’ they behave like that because they’re entitled and it’s more jarring when they’re older. I sis say ‘feeding off women’s energy’ that’s what they do. But it’s not because they’re old. They’ve always been that man. They’ve always been ‘him’

Exactly @pamelanoon - it’s older men who think they are being jovial and almost like they are putting themselves out to do you a favour because you’re “all alone”.

DH and I were in a beer garden the other week. A woman about late 30s came in, ordered a glass of rose and got her book out. Five minutes later this old guy wanders in - the waiter said he’d get him a table and he said “no it’s ok - I’ll just sit here and keep this young lady company” and plonked himself down. The poor woman looked aghast but just sort of grimaced/smiled and kept reading her book. Next thing the guy is saying “come on now, it’s rude to read when you’ve got company” and proceeded to launch into his life story. She lasted about 3 minutes then just got up and left - leaving half her wine behind.

I was furious on her behalf. Ok she could have said something but clearly she didn’t feel confident to do so - he did have a very confident/imposing aura about him.

Why should women have to put up with these arseholes? 😡😡😡

Ugh that annoys me that she couldn't even read her book.

That asshole!

I'll tell you what is typical - someone posts about negative behaviour from males and there is always one trumpet who comes along and says 'but what about the women?' 'Women can be X too'.

We are talking about mens behaviour here. Not women. Did you say 'but all lives matter' when the conversation was specifically about black lives?

Just give it a rest.

Yes that’s happened to me before. In a cafe, bus, bench (when there’s been others) etc. Particularly when I was in my 20s. I don’t know why they think women 1/3 of their age would be so honoured by their company. I used to get embarrassed and flustered (people pleaser) but now would just get up and move.

YANBU

Why the fuck should you have to put up with this

I understood what she meant, it's about these men's view of themselves, not about the woman in particular. It's never ABOUT the woman but about themselves.

No it isn't, she asked a question and not everyone had the same experience as her so she didn't like it.

I didn't like that not everyone on mumsnet has been harassed by old men?

Eh that makes no sense.

What i didnt like was the posters saying to me that it couldnt possibly have happened in the UK etc

I hear you, OP. Getting up and sitting elsewhere is a good strategy. You shouldn't have to move, but they are dicks, what can you do?

The worst one I had was on the Paris metro. Old guy rubbing my knee while I was sat next to DH!

You didn't like people saying it hadn't happened to them, but you know that dont you.

Did anyone say it couldn't have happened?

Yes they did say that it couldnt have happened.

Did you read the thread?

YANBU. This is nothing to do with age. It's some entitled blokes thinking you owe them your company.

Doubtless you were meant to listen to them regaling you with some or other shite. These guys would have had exactly the same traits when they were younger.

Wtaf - why do these men think they can impose themselves on lone women like this?! They never ask blokes these things, do they?

She probably didn't like it, because its a pointless contribution, isn't it? The OP asked had it happened to anyone else to ask what women do in the situation.
Would you go on to a thread asking what people would do about a neighbours dog barking all day to announce "My neighbour hasn't got a dog"?

Nothing annoys me more than when someone tries to constantly talk to me, sit near me when plenty of other seats available etc. and then when you complain there are people like 'aww they're just lonely, I speak to strangers all the time and have had amazing conversations, great to meet people from all walks of life'

I've asked it once and I'll ask it again - why do the needs of the chatty outweigh the needs of those who just want to sit quietly and alone!? If someone is genuinely lonely and wants to chat then fine, by all means ask but at least accept that a lot of us will say no because that's just not our vibe!

Exactly. Completely pointless.

This is MN. It happens all the time 😂

OP makes a thread asking for ideas on how to use up left over beef for lunches the next day.
Someone will comment with "I don't eat beef. I am vegan".

Same. I want to be left alone in peace. I am usually trying to read, or I do cross stitch. Both times, I will be wearing Loops earplugs.
I don't go out to talk to people be or be talked at.

In some areas, there are chatty benches. They have a sign on saying if you are lonely then someone will be along to talk to you. Nice sentiment but who are the people watching them?