Old men sitting next to me

[pamelanoon]

Does this happen to anyone else.

There is a little cafe near where i work. I go and have my lunch there. I sit at a small table with two chairs.

Two times, old men have come in by themselves and asked can they sit at my table. There are loads of free tables, so there is no need to sit at mine.

When I said no to the first man, he was really rude and called me a typical selfish female.

I then said to the restaurant staff that he was abusing me and they said "oh but he is very old".

He grumbled and went off to sit by himself.

The next time I went in, a different old man came in and asked if he could sit at my table.

The chairs are a bit more comfy at the table i was at, so I thought that he wanted the comfy chair.

I said to him "yes you can sit here, i will move to another table".

I moved to another table, he went to the counter, came back, and came over to me at the new table and asked could he sit with me at this second table! I said no you can sit over there, and he shuffled off angrily.

Right they are probably lonely, but i want to enjoy my lunch, i don't want to be sitting talking to an old man i dont know all through lunch!

What would you do?

This! Take your custom elsewhere.

This wouldn't have happened if you were a man.

What would I do?
Exactly the same, or take the other free table if he insisted. At my age, I'm really not interested.
YANBU.

Ah. Perhaps you are like me and have what a friend describes as 'resting 'can I help you?' face'.

It's a pain in the tits because I don't actually like people very much, but sadly I've been cursed with a face that makes people think I want to be friends with every lunatic within a ten mile radius.

I don't. I have, however, perfected the art of getting up and walking away.

(I also ENDLESSLY get asked where things are in shops.)

Why don't you then? (Or something assertive and less confrontational anyway) if being such a persistent magnet is proving problematic for you.

It's the "nice guy" phenomena. There is a whole subreddit dedicated to documenting it, quite a few YouTube channels too.

Nice guys are men who approach women to chat them up and turn nasty when, no matter how politely, the woman turns them down. I didn't think there was a woman alive who hasn't been called an ugly bitch, or worse, after rejecting a man who expressed an interest in her.

Totally hear you. It’s akin to men telling you to ‘cheer up’ when you’re walking down the street minding your own business. Basically men having to always impinge on women in some way. it’s infuriating. Having said that, if it was a little old lady, I’d be inclined to indulge her as she definitely wouldn’t have an ulterior motive, and is probably just lonely.

I hear you 🙌, every, EVERY time the message is that it's you, sweetie, who isn't being nice. Fk 'nice', mate, YOU be 'nice' and leave me alone!!!

Do you want to borrow my mother?

Happy to. Where is she? My mother had Alzheimer’s for 10 years and got herself in several sticky situations with strangers through lack of inhibitions, some of whom were really kind, some not.

I will (and do) always extend kindness to an elderly lady on that basis, however annoying it might be.

Usually I'd agree with you but op did ask if others have had the same, so I think some posters are just genuinely answering that question.

Personally never had this in a cafe with an old man but I don't go in cafes and restaurants alone ever. I did politely reject a man in a gay bar once (of all places!) and he actually whinged at me like a toddler.

I don’t blame you at all, OP. If I’m in a cafe on my own then I want to be on my own - unless there was a shortage of space, in which case I would probably hurry up and leave (I am socially anxious!). There’s nothing wrong with saying no but maybe try an overly polite response such as “sorry but I would prefer to sit on my own just now, if that’s ok”. You shouldn’t have to but you’ll just end up feeling worse if these guys have a go at you.

Which rather begs the question of why were they approaching in the first place. I had it once when I was face down in my phone with earplugs in listening to a podcast, 'became aware' of a bloke stood by the table, is it ok if I sit here? In a massive near empty pub. Me, shrugging but a sweet smile, 'sit there if you like but I'm not for chatting'.

Him, loud now: WHAT THE FUCK MAKES YOU THINK I WANT TO TALK TO YOU ANYWAY? FUCK'S SAKE, FUCKING STUPID COW, strops off...

🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Mmmmm…. Sorry, something is off about this for me. My spidey senses are kicking in.

When I was 14 I was in a bus and an older man sat down next to me. He actually squeezed himself against me and started rub his thigh against mine, i shrank as much as i could but he was like glue he also ‘accidentally’ fell and grabbed me by my developing breasts. Ever since then I hate being approached like this and will be blunt. I each literal child who didn’t know what do.

My dad then told me ‘you don’t owe niceness to anyone!’ and it was like a light in my brain. When a guy says ‘simile love’ I just say ‘no, shan’t’ like Emily Blunt in The Devil Wears Prada. A guy grabbed it arse on the queue to get off the train and I grabbed hs wrist and put his hand high in the air and shouted ‘has anyone lost this, I just found it stuck to my arse!’ I pretend to know actual strangers if it looks like they need help with a creep and really no have the old perv to thank as I froze them and ring againx of someone tried to join me and called me selfish I’d ask why theythink I owe them anything! X

No you absolutely are not being unreasonable.
Dd gets this a lot, she is an adult but very young looking. She is sick and tired of older men, and yes it always is older men, trying to invade her personal space.
It happens on the train, on the bus, in shops, in cafes.
Strange how they never bloody do it to a young man who looks like he could knock the shit out of them. Hmmm wonder why that is?

Op, I don’t know what the answer is, maybe employ the tactic I have heard of, of barking like a dog at them. Self Esteem even wrote a song about it. I haven’t tried it myself, I put my bags on the seat opposite me. However I don’t get bothered too much now. Probably because I’m older and give off ‘Fuck off’ vibes due to the menopause.

🙄I don’t think the OP is claiming any special relevance about ‘old men’, but simply that it has only been ‘old men’ that have approached her!

I think I could have understood your reply without the rolling eye emoji. I’m simply saying what I feel. Which is allowed.

You’re right, I’m sorry about the emoji. Had an exasperating day but didn’t mean to come across as meaning you weren’t entitled to your view. Apologies

I did say no go away.

I stopped short of swearing at him.

What's your problem?

Well your spidey senses are fucked up then, because this did happen.

People never want to believe that women are harassed by men, or they blame the woman. Tale as old as time.

I would try another cafe for lunch.
That would make me mad, especially the cafes reaction.

I’m not saying it didn’t. But what you’re not getting is that old men? They’re just men. That’s what they are. Men. With less fucking options. It’s not about them being old. It’s about them being men.

And yet its never young men that do it to me.

Only old men. I do think that old men use their age as a way to abuse other people

I agree. A lot of old men use their age as shield to harass women because too many people, like the cafe staff, think they are harmless purely because they are old. They get given the benefit of the doubt, even when their behaviour is outrageous, in a way that young men do not. Nasty, sexually aggressive young man don't tend to grow out of these traits, they just become nasty, sexually aggressive old men.

Given this reply to a man who's wife has no libido, I'm not sure you're as respectful as you think you are.

Better apart and living differant lives , best to get out and leave the misery pit , take all the money , sell the house get her move best way to go .