Old men sitting next to me

[pamelanoon]

Does this happen to anyone else.

There is a little cafe near where i work. I go and have my lunch there. I sit at a small table with two chairs.

Two times, old men have come in by themselves and asked can they sit at my table. There are loads of free tables, so there is no need to sit at mine.

When I said no to the first man, he was really rude and called me a typical selfish female.

I then said to the restaurant staff that he was abusing me and they said "oh but he is very old".

He grumbled and went off to sit by himself.

The next time I went in, a different old man came in and asked if he could sit at my table.

The chairs are a bit more comfy at the table i was at, so I thought that he wanted the comfy chair.

I said to him "yes you can sit here, i will move to another table".

I moved to another table, he went to the counter, came back, and came over to me at the new table and asked could he sit with me at this second table! I said no you can sit over there, and he shuffled off angrily.

Right they are probably lonely, but i want to enjoy my lunch, i don't want to be sitting talking to an old man i dont know all through lunch!

What would you do?

Everybody has different experiences. An elderly man in a fast food place sitting next to me asked me for my help with downloading an app and signing up with an account. I only helped because he was elderly. All was fine whilst I helped until at the end he started describing in lewd sexual language what he was planning to do to his boyfriend that night. I made a sharp exit.

We really need to get more comfortable in telling them to F@CK OFF.

Yes, me too and I eat alone a lot.

I have occasionally asked to join other groups, when there were no spare tables, and have never been refused.

I've certainly been harassed by men many times, but never once has an 'old man' asked to sit with me in a cafe, and I spend a lot of time in cafes.

I never really understand why people say "this has never happened to me".

What is the point of that.?

It has nothing to do with anything. It seems a bit rude in my opinion

My friend got groped when getting off a train recently. That has never happened to me.

When she told me about it, what if I replied to her "well that has never happened to me".

What has it got to do with what just happened to her?

And what is your point?

It has never happened to you. What is that adding to the conversation exactly?

What strange behaviour from these men!
you are absolutely not being unreasonable!!

Possibly a combination of loneliness and cognitive decline meaning that social norms aren't front and centre.

YANBU

I am 60 and, quite honestly, fed up myself of Men noticing Me and saying things or just creeping Me out be staring at Me.
They were probably the same when young OP .. but at least in my case its of my peer group mainly,

I feel like saying "no just fuck off its not my job to chat to you"

As a chap who is old , l would respect you as you only have a limited time for lunch, l hope you don't think all old men are rude and nasty . I was in Oxford where l live and a younger lady asked if she could sit in the chair by me l said yes and l will be silent while you have lunch . She had a lunch and coffee and said thank you , she said have you been retired long l said and she politely said well if l am here another day can l sit here again l nodded and yes l said bye , if a hard working lady you all need respecting , not all older men are nasty , good luck with your career as well , don't forget you will be old one day

Thank you for the post. No I don't think all older man are rude and nasty. I have met some very nice men of that age

The last line - when I am old, I will not go and sit at a young man's table. I would know that he would not want me there!

We look at elderly people are feel sorry for them, but none of us knows what they like when they were young. Just because you are old and frail that doesn’t mean you are sweet and nice. Those men may have been grubby little pervs in their 20s and 30s. Also, they are from a generation that got away with so much. Men could whistle at women, make lewd comments, even grope them, and nothing was done. If a woman in the 1980s complained about sexual harassment, it would most probably be brushed aside. I make ZERO allowance for all that. Sounds to me like those men wanted a woman to stare at and leer at while they drank their tea. And they sulked because it was denied them. Well tough shit. This is 2025 my friend, not 1925, go and sit somewhere else.

Well said, OP. It's an insidious way to shut women up.

your opening question in your post was...

Does this happen to anyone else?

My sister was alone in a very full cafe in New York. An old man asked if he could sit at her table. The cafe was full so she said yes. He didn't try to have a conversation, but it turned out it was Rupert Murdoch.

I wouldn't be happy about this, but equally it has never happened to me either.
Maybe I give off vibes 😅

Yes. Meaning I am looking for incidents from people that it has happened to.

All I would questionhere is your need to keep saying ‘old men’ I’m not sure why their age is relevant. You seem to enjoy using the phrase. I personally wouldn’t want to be hassled whilst eating alone by anyone.

I hate this kind of faux naivety on threads like this. We live in a society where there are gendered and age-related norms, expectations and behaviours. An 80 year old man is going to have completely different experiences and expectations than a 20 year old woman. And power dynamics are a thing - OP may feel very different if a 20 year old woman asked her the same thing as an 80 year old man.

There seems to be a subset of posters on here who feel it’s some kind of virtue signaling to constantly ask ‘but why did you mention their age’ or ‘why bring up their gender?’. When someone’s age or gender does play a role in the interaction. To pretend otherwise is just denying reality.

🤔

Sorry, I posted after reading:
Does this happen to anyone else
but before reading:
I am looking for incidents from people that it has happened to.
As you were.

OP yanbu.
Is it a local place to you?
Email the manager that you are not impressed with staff dismissing your harassment by another customer.

You should be able to eat your lunch in peace.

I've never had anyone ask to sit with me if there were free tables. I'd have said, 'Why? There are plenty of spaces'.

They then have to answer 'Because I want the company,' or something else in which case you can decline and say, 'I'm busy' or 'I'm having some peace and quiet'.

It's a very odd thing to happen, imo.

I wouldn’t like it either OP!

I agree it’s men feeling entitled to women’s time.

I would also be put off going back to a cafe where they had refused to step in when a man was abusing a woman customer.

My point was we don't always know what we'll become when old, nor how we'll be perceived by others. Women and men.
Has that redressed the balance for you?
I'm not sure how you managed to think it meant anything else.

Also...'Typical' of what?