To ask if anyone has become a single mother by choice and then regretted it

[JNicholson]

Just that, really. Am 39, single, and asking myself if I should go it alone. Struggling because honestly the idea doesn’t appeal to me, but neither does never having kids. I know from previous mumsnet threads that some people do do it and feel great about it and that it was the right choice. So, while I’m happy for those people, I’m not asking for that perspective as I already know it’s there. Just wondering if anyone has done it, or knows someone who has done it, and subsequently felt it wasn’t a great idea. I’d like to hear that perspective too.

Not giving a poll as, on reflection, I don’t think this is really an AIBU, more of a posting for traffic one.

Not me, but I do follow someone on Instagram, who is a single mother by choice and talks a lot about it. The handle is mysmbclife, if that helps.

Thanks. Looks like she’s currently looking to get pregnant for a second time though, so not coming from a position of regret? As I say, I do know there are people who do it and feel very positively about it, I’m just curious if anyone has done it and felt differently, as I’d like to consider that perspective too.

I am a single Mum - not by choice in the sense that you mean but I did choose to leave EA exh.

I don’t regret it at all, but it is hard having all burdens - financial, logistical, emotional etc - on you and no one even to talk them over with who is in it together with you.

I’m a solo mum, had my son with a sperm donor and IVF. I’ve never regretted it for a single moment. Yes it’s hard, and yes it’s harder than you can imagine right now, but nothing beats it. Lots will depend on your support network, for example if you get a nasty bug is there someone that will look after your child for you? Consider your finances, everything is easier with money as you have more childcare options. I can recommend The Stork and I as a good place for more info and to speak to like minded women.

Yes I have 2 friends who have done it alone, one is extremely happy, the other slightly less so and has definitely found it harder than she anticipated but neither regret their choice. Having family close by has been a necessity for both of them.

OP, very few women are going to say they regret having a child/children whether they're single or partnered. But, realistically yes - it's bloody tough on your own. Of course it is. Apart from the practicalities, such as finances, you've got nobody to share school pick ups with, nobody to help when you are ill and nobody to share the emotional burden with - amongst a whole list of other things. It's also much harder to form a relationship with someone for many reasons. Firstly, because you've got to work it around your child, secondly because men aren't generally that enthusiastic about someone else's kid. You've also got to put your child first, and if that means not living with someone until that child is a young adult, then that's the way it's got to be.

You dont need a man if you dont want one what you do need is a village. People for emergencies. So aslong as you have friends and family I dont see the issue

Quite a few women on mumsnet seem to say they regret it, tbh!

Following with interest as I’m also considering this but mainly concerned about how I will cope! I struggle a bit with anxiety at times (although it has rarely stopped me from doing something, but has made it more challenging if you see what I mean - and weirdly I almost never have that when in a relationship as I feel calmer and safer (and perhaps just less time to myself to worry!)) So I’m worried about being anxious during pregnancy/having to parent alone. I also worry about the ethical implications of sperm donors and intentionally creating a child without a father.

However, as I’m 38.5 and my last serious relationship ended in March (as he wasn’t ready for kids 😒 despite being 47, telling me he wanted them when we got together and he wa 45 AND knowing I’d been through similar with a previous ex) I’m currently pursuing freezing some embryos with a sperm donor. If I’m lucky enough to get any genetically normal ones, I will freeze and reconsider where I am in a year (so 39.5ish) and perhaps plan to try to implant then, if I have allowed myself to come to terms with the concerns above.

A friend of a friend has had a baby with a sperm donor and the baby is a toddler now and she doesn’t regret it at all. However my concern (and perhaps one for you to think about in case it applies to you?) is that she is very independent and self sufficient anyway- the type to take herself off travelling etc on her own. I’m not really like that. Well I have a good, well paid job and have lived on my own on and off for years (apart from when living with exes) so I know I could manage the practicalities like that, but I don’t enjoy being on my own. I wouldn’t ever really want to go on holiday alone or imagine enjoying the idea of going out for a day trip alone. I basically want and enjoy others’ company so I can’t really see how I would manage being a single mum for the time it might take to be alone for the baby years and then want to take it slow dating and meeting someone? but I’m also a big overthinker so maybe I’m doing that here too!

I’ve definitely ALWAYS wanted to be a mum though so if I get to the stage of believing this is my only chance then I think I would go for it… I’m just not quite there yet…

I’m married and having 2 kids has destroyed my physical and mental wellbeing. No way could I have coped alone.

It depends on how you think you’d get on if your child had a health issue for example. I don’t even mean a disability, we’ve found milder health issues can have a massive impact on life and NHS waitlists even for kids are ridiculous.

PPs are raising good points as well. What village do you have around you? Both my best friend and I have fallen ill and needed ambulances while we were on our own looking after babies. Both of us needed surgery afterwards.

I know two women who have had children via sperm donors and IVF and do notice that both of them lean heavily on friends and family, to the extent that there has been some resentment. (In theory this could apply equally to single parents where the other parent isn't in the picture, but most single mums do seem to have at least some support/co-parenting available from their ex, plus you'd be going into it by choice.) So it strikes me that the "have your village" advice up-thread is good but also to be treated with a bit of caution unless it's a village that you plan to include a lot of paid-for help, because in reality it's tough being totally on your own and family and friends can get fed up with always being fallback carers for a child they didn't choose to have (while not feeling able to say no because they also know there isn't anyone else to help).

just here to strongly advise you to consider working 4 days a week and having a day off to yourself when child is in nursery/school.

One of my good friends is a solo parent - she went down the sperm donor route and has just had her second. She was absolutely determined to do this for years and has no regrets. She doesn’t have family nearby so I think things must be tough at times, as she never has any child free time other than when she’s at work. She works part time and rents, so gets UC top ups which massively help.

Yes, but I went into it as a lone dad, there were a number of lone mums and dads in my local adoption group. Personally for me it was one of the best decisions I ever made (although there were times when I was ill etc when I didn’t feel that way for a few hours). You don’t need to be rich, just secure, you need a decent support network, that doesn’t have to be family, mine was some close friends. I now have a second, but with a partner. For me both are great, and its lovely seeing our two with their Papa, but it was a huge adjustment giving parental control to someone else as I was used to being the only decision maker.

Can you identify what about being a lone parent doesn’t appeal to you personally and what worries you might have?

A friend of mine did it but she’s on the other side of the world so apart from a decent amount of introspective instagram posts I don’t really know how she’s coping. I know that she refers to her Mum as her co-parent though, and the grandparents are heavily involved. Do you have that kind of support?

FWIW I have one toddler DS and while I can’t control the future I absolutely wouldn’t want to be doing it alone and am therefore very aware of not letting our relationship slide as so often happens when DC arrive.

A friend of mine did it alone. She is happier than I have ever seen her, which is nice after years of seeing her messed around by men. She does benefit from a lot of support from family. She lives close to her parents and sister who regularly take child overnights and are involved in daily routine.

Disagree, my experience is different.
Lonely, isolating and financially a struggle

Thank you for your honesty, so much better with 2 committed parents who are in it together

Children need a father, not a sperm donor

A few potentially difficult questions that might be worth asking yourself when weighing it up:

Who would care for your child if you died prematurely or became incapacitated? Children with two parents can and do sometimes become orphaned under very sad circumstances, but losing two parents is less likely to happen than losing one. Is there an obvious and appropriate guardian who would be genuinely happy to step up, or would you be OK with local authority care as the backup plan?

Would you be hoping to meet a partner after having the child, and if so how old would you feel your child would need to be? What sort of relationship would you be hoping for, and how would you envisage the longer-term relationship between him and your child? More like a parental role or more like a step-parent?

What sort of answer would you plan to give if (and when) your child comes home from school or nursery and asks why they don't have a father/where their father is?

Do you believe it matters that children should have both male and female role models in their lives? If so, do you have any appropriate male figures around you (e.g. a brother, grandfather, cousin etc) who might want to be involved enough to help supply that?

Don’t forget that a child has the right to know their father. Don’t just think about what you want, think about what your resultant child will want. It’s not just about you

I have. 39 yr old sister who has swithered about adopting as a solo parent but not fully committed as yet. She's the most amazing aunt to our kids, they adore her. I think in some ways she's fine it harder than expected because the emotional weight of parenting is very different to that of auntying even if you're amazing at all the practical parts. Also the enormity of a small human always in your space and always needing you if you've been used to living alone as an adult can I think be as daunting as a partner living with you for the first time. Would I advise her to do it? Absolutely! And we'd happily sign paperwork to take on any beice or nephew left parentless by tragedy. As would our other siblings. But could I imagine her regretting it at some point? If course, the loss of freedom etc is difficult even in a couple.

I agree this is a really important consideration, but for the couple of people I know who have used donors (women in same-sex partnerships fwiw, not single women) I think their decision was based partly on the fact that it wasn’t really a choice between their child having a father and their child having a donor: it was a choice between their child having a donor or the child not existing. They decided to take the gamble that their child would prefer being brought into existence to not. Which to be honest is a gamble taken by all prospective parents, and it’s never guaranteed that that will work out how you want, although I’m not denying that factors like having a donor not father, single parent vs two, absolutely create extra hurdles for children as well as parents and that should always always be taken into consideration. It’s very much one of the reasons I’m hesitating, maybe the main reason.

While I expect you mean well, tbh I think it’s pretty presumptuous to come to a thread like this and assume that the OP never thought about the child’s perspective until you graciously brought it to their attention.

Thank you to the many people who have posted helpful and thought-provoking replies above, I’m reading with interest.

@JNicholson many people don’t consider that though. Most posts always seem to focus on what the woman wants, very few people ever mention the child.

And I speak as an adopted person, so very much always see it as putting the child’s perspective first.

Exactly what I was thinking. I find it very disturbing that the OP doesn't even think to ask how the children of sperm donors (or other non-conventional routes) feel, just the mothers.