To ask if anyone has become a single mother by choice and then regretted it

[JNicholson]

Just that, really. Am 39, single, and asking myself if I should go it alone. Struggling because honestly the idea doesn’t appeal to me, but neither does never having kids. I know from previous mumsnet threads that some people do do it and feel great about it and that it was the right choice. So, while I’m happy for those people, I’m not asking for that perspective as I already know it’s there. Just wondering if anyone has done it, or knows someone who has done it, and subsequently felt it wasn’t a great idea. I’d like to hear that perspective too.

Not giving a poll as, on reflection, I don’t think this is really an AIBU, more of a posting for traffic one.

You wouldn’t have conceived without a man.

Are you bringing up a son who'll know you hate all men or a daughter who’ll inherit your issues?

Duplicate post

I am an SMBC with a 9 year old DS. I don’t regret, he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me, but solo parenting is relentless and lonely for sure. A supportive network is key. I found mat leave a joy but when I returned to work and was in childcare, I realised how isolated we were - if I was delayed on my commute to the crèche, there was literally no one else to pick him up. No back up whatsoever. So I relocated to my hometown to be close to family support. It was a massive help.

My career hasn’t suffered - in fact, I’ve been promoted twice since having him. But my company values me and they definitely make allowances for the fact that I’m a single mum so I’m very fortunate in that way. The extra money makes a big difference.

I would say my health and fitness has suffered which worries me. Self care has been at the bottom of the priority list since he was born and that has taken its toll. I had him at 39 and dealing with perimenopause and awful fatigue now, I can’t imagine having a younger child. It’s been years since I’ve had a broken nights sleep because of my DS and I’m very glad of that. I have friends (in relationships) parenting under 5s and it looks exhausting.

I know a good network of SMBC - I don’t know any that openly regret it but some find it harder than others for sure. Especially if the child has additional needs. Virtually all of the women are resilient and independent to start with.

From the research I’ve done of donor conceived adults would suggest that knowing as a child that you are DC is very important. The ones who find out as adults are generally very angry (a straight couple where the man was infertile but child passed off as biologically his). There doesn’t seem to be the same negative emotions from those growing up knowing which is the case with SMBC, but there is a strong desire to know their genetic history. So choosing a solvent sperm bank with solid record keeping and a DC network (to link half siblings) is really important. Although the popularity of genetic testing is helping people find their genetic links without going to the banks. I wouldn’t be overly concerned about angry DC teenagers - I grew up in a two parent “normal” family and was a very angry teenager who said hurtful things to my parents - it goes with the territory. I was worried about bullying in school - but nothing thankfully so far, just curiosity from friends who couldn’t understand how you get a baby without a dad.

I’m lucky that my son’s donor only donated for a short time and the other families are in another country. We have linked up and it will be up to my son if he pursues relationships with his half siblings. I know some SMBCs where there seems to be a relatively large number of half siblings and some in our small country so that’s something to consider. I do find the thought of that quite unsettling.

sorry for long post. It’s complex. I know some SMBC who underwent counselling before making the decision to sure. In some ways, you grieve the dream you had of a family with a partner.

oh and I don’t know any SMBC who are in romantic relationships. Very hard to have the time and headspace for that.

A daughter who'll know that romantic partnerships aren't necessary and so won't throw herself under a bus trying to make one work

I know it’s not a regret story but sharing anyway - I have two children solo by choice and whilst I’m relatively early on in the journey I’ve found that a decent number of my friends have been amazed by how I seem to have found some of it easier than they did with a partner because I don’t have those whole other relationship to navigate. There are definitely disadvantages (being ill whilst pregnant with an ill toddler and having to cope was one, another was when a week after my c section the lift broke down and I had to work out how to manage up and down loads of stairs with a toddler and a newborn). However, it’s the best thing I’ve ever done. I don’t have much family but do have a sister who would take the kids and love them if I got run over by a bus (the one thing I wouldn’t have done it without as I lost a parent very young), some close friends and the finances to get paid help / not have to worry too much about the fact that it is clearly going to impact my career. I also don’t plan to date seriously whilst they are kids having had a terrible step parent experience myself.

Wow there's been a lot of negativity since I last posted.. just wanted to add a few more comments, both for OP, and to counteract some of negative posts!

Firstly, I think it's a typical patriarchal type response to say "why have you left it so late - busy focusing on your career" etc.. that is something that the patriarchy would say to imply women shouldn't be focusing on their careers and instead should be focusing on having babies younger etc. I'm sure OP did not get to where she was with her head buried in the sand thinking it would all be fine later like it seems often the media etc have you believe! If it's anything like my path, I have desperately wanted to be a mother my whole life and sadly have had two long term relationships where the man changed their mind about having children. Of course I then stayed in each one (when they were dithering/unsure) longer than I ought to BECAUSE of the fear of wanting to not be too old to meet someone else and I wanted any children to have two parents! But it's bloody lucky I also have a career so I can (financially at least) not have to rely on a man.. a lot of women on here seem to be fine with expecting their partner or the state to pay towards raising their child. At least if I become a SMBC I'm not planning on having to do that.

I also wonder if all the people who are saying how bad it is to deny a child a father by going down the sperm donor route, are also as critical of women who have children with abusive partners or just generally rubbish ones who leave/one night stands or whatever. There appear to be a huge amount of crap dads on here so why don't we blame the women for "choosing" that person to have children with and giving their child a bad father? (I don't actually think we should blame women at all, but just playing devil's advocate here).

In my friendship circles, it's the most accomplished women who seem to be single later - because they're more picky and wanting to find a man who matches them and will be a good father. Sadly, the way society is is that these men are very few and far between - men who fully want to be on board with raising a child and splitting it 50/50. Is it better to have a baby with any man just so that the child has a father they can trace their biological links to? I don't think so.

I'm undecided (as the OP is) about proceeding with a sperm donor route to actually have a baby (although I am proceeding with freezing embryos to give me more options in future) but I think the points that have been raised are all valid. A few additional things I think it is important to think about is how many half siblings there might be. I was originally looking at European sperm banks as you get far more info such as baby photos, self portraits sometimes, recordings of their voice etc.. but then the family limits are much higher. And in the USA you even get adult photos. Whilst I felt like it was going to help ME choose a donor, I realised the most important thing was to consider it from the child's perspective. And these clinics have much higher family limits (some of the USA ones don't even appear to have limits!) And it would likely be harder for the child to grow up with many half siblings etc (and perhaps speaking a different language to the sperm donor/half siblings etc). So I've gone with a UK donor as they have a 10 family limit, plus speak English (I chose an English donor) and another thing that was important for me is that they have said that their door is always open for the child to contact them and they wrote a nice letter to the child. In addition, you only get paid minimal expenses in the UK as sperm donor so I know it's unlikely to be financially motivated. I am as comfortable as I can be that I have chosen a "good" donor for any potential child.

I also agree that you need to let the child know from the very beginning that they are donor conceived.

I actually think the fact you are considering all of this OP, means you're much likely to be a great mother if you end up proceeding.

Also, re dating as a single mother, I actually think it would be easier to date as a SMBC than a single mother with an ex still in the picture. Meaning a man is more likely to want to date a woman who is a SMBC than one with their ex still in the picture? But that's just something I think - nothing really to base it on apart from discussions with male friends who agree!

I think this really depends, my friends who are SMBC have certainly found it much harder to date for a few reasons really.

Lack of time to actually form relationships or date I know is a big issue for both of them, because there isn’t another parent doing a % of care or every other weekend for example to give you that guaranteed time off, they don’t have that regular childcare and they also need to arrange childcare for absolutely anything they want to do, a gym class, cinema with a friend etc so they have both found it isn’t really possible to commit enough time to building a relationship. They can’t go on dates every Saturday, or even every other Saturday, the childcare options they do have they also have to use for other things so it’s really been difficult for them to form any kind of relationship, it’s hard to do if you can only arrange a date once a month.

I know both of them have also hit issues when they have tried to start forming relationships, one being that because there isn’t a dad in the picture men have felt a pressure to be that figure although my friends have never expected that or said that is what they would like, whereas if there is a dad at least that “role” is filled. Another has found men have been put off by the reality of dating a SMBC for these reasons, only being available to date once or twice a month, no flexibility to make plans or do things unless prepared to also have a child tag along etc.

Name changed for this thread - but my mum is a single mum, never met my father, not on the birth certificate as I don’t think he and my mum were ever “together” also my mum was older and had me at 38 or 39 I think. Realise it’s different for everyone however since some people mentioned different perspectives of children only knowing one side of their family/ history. I’m an adult now, have never had any identity crises or actually any interest in my biological father’s side - none of them have ever reached out but if they did I’d probably just send a polite “thanks but no thanks” message and I don’t feel like I missed out on anything growing up. My mum also never had another relationship so other than my uncle I grew up (now early 30s) without any in-house male role model.

The thing about the “child needs a Father brigade”. A Father is great but I see women and men excuse awful behaviour and tell us “they can still be good Fathers”. I disagree! I watched Breaking the Silence Kate’s Story on ITV hub last night. These men are all the same. The women in this were all intelligent professionals dealing with frankly disturbed men who wanted to see their children, but had often been convicted of raping and beating their ex wives half dead. Yes these children are all better off without seeing their Fathers. Until this just being male makes you a Father and we start having far higher expectations of men women will and should have children alone, rather than settle for bad men (which there is a lot of unfortunately).

I don’t think there’s enough men in their 30s ready, willing and emotionally mature to settle down, so the result is the poor behaviour we read about on the relationship boards. Let’s be honest a great deal of women are tolerating bad relationships in return for a family, they move in, do 50/50 financially whilst doing the housework. The man knows the dynamic will shift when a child comes along and won’t step up and so will often waste the woman’s time. We need to change the guilt ridden mindset of “a child needs a Father” to a child needs “Love, care, full commitment and devotion”. Who can deliver this the best?

💯
as a child in the 80s, who was forced to see their father. I can uncategorically confirm it is not always best decision.
We went to see our loving grandparents and he just happened to be there bullying us and making us cry at every opportunity when they weren’t watching.
The time when he kicked one of us stands out as a highlight

I have a school friend who has had 2 children by herself. She has a wonderful employer, childcare on tap from her mother and was in her early 30s when she started. I think a key thing with her is that she never knew her father so having a father round for her kids wasn't critical for her.

@IsThePopeCatholic agreed with PP these words are very wise.

Some people are fine with not knowing their origins. But many many people have an itch and it goes to the core of who they are, an emptiness and uncertainty.

@snughugs actually we need to change the mindset to "men need to be trained by society to be responsible, steady, involved and decent fathers and partners".

Impossible to do either so many enabling families. Most men like this have their behaviour encouraged by their families. My neighbour (a women and mother) believes if men change their mind about pregnancy they shouldn’t have to pay child support. She seems to hate women.

I would really like to think the tide is turning on this, my husband is a great dad and partner despite being raised by really shitty parents and I do think my generation of dads & the next generation of dads are & will be better dads, more hands on dads than my parents & grandparents were for sure, paternity leave & shared parental leave etc, I really do hope this attitude is changing.

This used to be the role of the church basically once a week on a Sunday they all had to turn up clean and sober to a place to account for their weekly misdemeanours whatever they might be.
Whether they were given a book to read from and told how to bloody well behaved for the week ahead.
We’ve lost that and what’s it been replaced with?

It didn't work though, did it? Where is the evidence that men were any more better in those days?

This.

It’s all relative. Actually, there was collective and community accountability.

Sure, the church is a bastion of good behaviour.

What's the evidence for that?

I’m not sure if you’re serious?
Family members have done an entire PhD on the impact of the church and the clergy on education welfare social reform peer pressure. I’ll dig it out for you shall you can read all 1500 pages. And let me know your thoughts

I miss the laugh reaction.

I have 3 children solo. It's hard and I struggle and have moments that I feel I have taken on more than I can do but I honestly can't say I regret it even when it's incredibly hard

I knew it wouldn't be easy but I couldn't imagine my life without kids and now I'm 40 and still single I'm very glad I took the plunge and had my family