To ask if anyone has become a single mother by choice and then regretted it

[JNicholson]

Just that, really. Am 39, single, and asking myself if I should go it alone. Struggling because honestly the idea doesn’t appeal to me, but neither does never having kids. I know from previous mumsnet threads that some people do do it and feel great about it and that it was the right choice. So, while I’m happy for those people, I’m not asking for that perspective as I already know it’s there. Just wondering if anyone has done it, or knows someone who has done it, and subsequently felt it wasn’t a great idea. I’d like to hear that perspective too.

Not giving a poll as, on reflection, I don’t think this is really an AIBU, more of a posting for traffic one.

I just dont see the point in deliberately making people feel shit about a situation they are already in!! She's not going to reverse it, she came on here looking for support from ppl in SIMILAR situations (read her posts) knocking her down for life choices and not being as privileged as other's is VERY RUDE. IMO

I’m not sure how the very real statistics, facts & increased risks to both mother & baby at 40+ are irrelevant to be honest?

As I say I’m not saying they are complete deal breakers, but they are absolutely something to consider depending on what support & money you have available. If you have no support system & tight finances then you would find yourself very stuck very quickly if you were to have a difficult pregnancy, birth, postpartum period, life with child.

As another note though OP if you do have a limited support system then it’s worth having a look at what support is available in your area for single parents via family hubs etc. There isn’t much where we are but I do have a friend who lives down South and was able to access some help an hour a week when she had a newborn & also had more frequent HV visits to help her out which made a big difference to her.

My friend had a child by sperm donor. Lovely childhood for the little one, but as he's grown up he has really struggled with his identity - who was his dad/ethnicity/sense of belonging. All questions she can't fully answer. This has made adolescence, which I'm sure would be tricky anyway, much tougher. He is angry about it.

Conversely, I work with looked after young people, and adoptees know (usually) their og families and their stories. Of course, being adopted, (and it can be very successful) throws up all kinds of different issues, but I'm just mentioning these two avenues because these are the most likely options for going down the single parent route by choice.

The most 'calm' (I guess I use that word because there is not so much extraneous noise around the choice) sp that I know is someone who had a child with a gay friend, and that friend is very much the father, although they don't live together. i.e., the child knows exactly who the dad is/heritage/familial traits/dad's side of the family is very involved etc. and is/OR appears at least! much more secure as a result.

I guess my point is, if you are a solo parent because the dad is a deadbeat, or had an affair or whatever, the child still knows where they came from, perhaps has contact with granny on dad's side, can be cross with the deadbeat dad, can make choices around their identity (eg, I'm not going to turn out like that, or whatever). But their core identity is not in question.

Yeah, basically think about the child's wellbeing in all of this and don't underestimate how tricky it might be to navigate their origin story.

Yes. I imagine it hits a raw nerve around their regretful life choices...

You carry on with your personal attacks both of you if it makes you happy.

Nobody is making her feel shit.

People are talking of the realities of her decision. Others have counteracted with some opinions on favour of it. All angles are covered.

That's what informed choice is.

You were unnecessarily rude by stating "nobody cares about your irrelevant opinions" (if that's the case : don't ask for opinions on a forum. Instead state "this is my decision, can I hear some positive stories please ") I'd argue my points were also not irrelevant. If op had posted the latter title : my points may indeed have been irrelevant.

You called another poster and "a-hole" : childish personal attack. Hardly a reasoned debating skill.

I know a girl who split with her long term boyfriend and got pregnant with a sperm donor.
since then she got back with the boyfriend and I’ve always wondered (but would never ask) how he feels about it?
she doesn’t live with the boyfriend and I know she finds it hard being a single mom. She has a very supportive mother too.
things to consider

do you have help if you get flu/d and v? Or are in hospital?
can you manage financially alone? Is your job secure?

Do you know what a 'personal attack' is ? (I'm assuming you do as you called someone an arsehole and told me nobody cares about my opinion) Although, I don't think you'll find you've had direct insults slung at you.

I wouldn't rely on egg freezing tho. The success rate is abysmal. I just used a good old fashioned turkey baster but I was over the age for NHS help. Pregnant first time. Baby is 6 and we're having a ball

Personal attacks to the OP not me, from you and another poster. I said one of your posts was irrelevant (I should have added in my opinion) i didn't say nobody cares.

For what it’s worth, I think a lot of the people who regret being a parent fall into one of two camps:

• Those who did it because that’s just what you do, not because they searched their soul and decided they absolutely needed to have children.
• Those who did it with a useless or abusive partner, and are now stuck parenting with them for 18+ years.

You are none of these people. There are a couple of books that you might find inspiring - Panic & Joy by Emma Brockes and Liv’s Alone by Liv Thorne.

Wise words.

I think you'll find you did... I'll quote it shall I ?

Agree, no support system and limited money would make it tricky, you'd have to be one hell of a Mum!

Oh wait, I can't quote it as it's rightfully been deleted

See in my own experience I’d say the biggest group of people who regret being parents are those with either no support/very limited support, or very limited money.

That support doesn’t necessarily have to be a husband of course but there is a reason they say it takes a village. The people who find being a parent so incredibly difficult, in my own experience, are the people who are doing everything alone or with very little support, and lots of those people are under huge financial pressure as a result of being the sole earner & having to pay for any support they do get (childcare, babysitters, after school clubs etc).

It makes a huge difference especially in the first year, but even beyond that, to have someone at home who can give you that break every day. Someone who just takes over while you have a bath, go to a gym class, go for dinner or a drink with a friend, have a nap even. Not having that would make it so much harder because then you truly do not have a break, so support, or the finances to be able to pay for support, I’d say is the biggest deal breaker in your experience of being a parent.

Well I got pregnant and dumped straight away so son wouldn’t know his Father is they passed in the street and hasn’t met his paternal side. I also have no family support as they’re dead. I was 30 when I gave birth.

A newborn baby was a shock to me and I was exhausted and did too much, working, newborn and dog, no support. I found childhood hard and I did struggle to bond very early on but I suspect that was more due to the abuse of the previous relationship. As he got older I really came to love being a Mum. My son is just so loving,respectful and protective of me, like no man has been before to me. He’s now 18 and off to university which I welcome as he needs to become his own man and grow and I need to have some time for me back, friends and fun and I’m still young enough to do it. I never dated, how could I? My son was with me all the time.

i think more women will be like me in years to come. I look back on relationships and see I was vulnerable looking for stability and family and frankly I had a huge amount to offer these men yet was treated with disrespect and them being on the main chance to exploit me financially emotionally and psychically. Once you’ve been on the receiving end of such inadequate men full of their own importance with no real life goals of their own you realise that would’ve been a shit life. My sons Father that thought he was superior and who claimed his “potential wealth” will be more than mine so gave him the right to call me a gold digger. He lives in a mortgaged house half the price of the one I own outright and his children are highly unlikely to get into a top university or have the sporting achievements my son has got. I know why, children suffer and don’t reach their potential when they have abusive impulsive men as Fathers.

It was a very hard road but I am so proud of my son. I don’t think there are good men are about to raise well adjusted children with. I’ve dated plenty men whilst I was younger most went on to have no children despite insisting they wanted them in their mid to late 30s.. Some did but they had nothing to offer me and still in my DMs after decades and have wives, which doesn’t make me think they are good husbands. I’ve met good men and fathers through my sons hobbies but somehow when dating I’ve met many men who I feel sorry for their children and are just totally inadequate and I would rather not having anything to do with them if I were their child. Selfish and pathetic men who don’t even have good manners with women let alone respect.

Lots of men were raised by single mothers after the war things were fine. Having a good father is a wonderful thing but unfortunately most of men out there are not cut out for it or don’t want it. I’m sure my son would’ve liked some amazing man as a Father, but I suspect there’s generational trauma and entitlement in a lot of these men.

You could never regret your child however I have had my 18-year-old screaming and crying. Why did you have me? I wish you’d aborted me.
And this is when I split up with her father when she was six weeks old.
She looks at the life. Her siblings have with two parents and she’s so distraught she doesn’t have that.
Even though I’m not even with him anymore

It is totally up to people when and who they have kids with. And plenty of women on here chose to have kids with crappy men who turned out to be shit dads. Do they get to cry about their situation because they made that choice at 30 which was the right age?

The point is every child has the potential to grow up with a complex about their parents. Yet it doesn't stop the vast majority of people having kids. The bigger question should be is she emotionally capable of supporting and navigating the child through it.

Find the Donor Conception Network.

They used to (pre Covid? Haven’t checked since) run networking events and weekend seminars for thinkers and triers. It was really helpful for me to meet other women and those who had done it.

I’m a single mum by choice, to pre-school twins.

It’s difficult, since as someone above said, you’re always “on”. Apart from when I’m in work, I’m with them every second of the day, and never ever get a break. I’ve no time for exercise, much grooming or looking after my health.

It had had zero impact on my career - in fact my career has skyrocketed since I had them. I’m lucky that I work from home and am senior, so can do every pre-school drop-off and some pickups. I have a nanny who also pickups and looks after them till I finish work.

Another thing I find difficult, is that the twins don’t see me converse with another adult much. In the evenings when my nanny goes, it’s just us and some days their hobbies. At the weekend it’s just us, except when I meet with friends/family. But day to day, most of the time it’s just us. So when I do converse with other people they don’t like it and interrupt, since they’re used to my full attention.

This.

You need a break. I say this as someone who had first DC with parents who took them overnight frequently. And subsequent DC who they never have had overnight. And that, frankly has nearly killed me off. I haven't slept properly, or woken up when I would have had enough sleep, for 6 years.

It's ok because I have DH to share the load with. But I'm so tired. We both are.

Parents have just reached the age they dont want grandchildren sleeping over, and that's fine, it's their prerogative.

However, don't underestimate how hard parenting is, and if you never, ever get a break from it, yes it's fucking relentless and not the best fun. And if you've gone to the extent of having a baby this way, then have to rely on family and friends to give you a break, you may well find, as pp says , resentment creeping in. Either from you thinking, why the hell did I do this to myself, when they won't provide you with childcare and you're running on empty, or from them, thinking why's she gone to this effort to have a child only to expect us to look after it for her.

I'm a single mother not by choice but I do miss male company and hoping one day I'll meet someone

Just to add got an amazing support network

I'm a lone parent of 4 year old twins, not through choice sadly but I am divorced from their father and he nor his family have any contact and this has been the way since they were born. I have no family apart from my sister, we live 30 mins apart and she offers emotional support and financial support when I've been desperate.
For me the hardest things are those that have already been mentioned, lack of support and the financial difficulty of bringing up children on one income. I do not regret having my children but it is incredibly hard.
My twins were great babies and I found things restively easy but as they have moved through the toddler years and the challenges that brings I have found things more difficult and very tiring as there is absolutely no down time. My boys are very energetic, they are on the go from 6.30am until 7.30pm and being one person to meet all of their needs all day every day becomes alot. There is no space for "you" if you do not have people around you that will step in and allow you to have time for yourself. I do have a group of friends and I am sure they would help if I asked but I don't like to ask as I feel they have their own lives, jobs and children to deal with.
It can feel very suffocating when you have no downtime from being a parent, no lie ins, no quiet time to just sit and be, and when you do have any child free time it's a stressful rush trying to fit in all the things you need to do that aren't possible with them in tow.. I work when the boys are in school and have to plan when I can see a GP or the dentist or anything else in the small windows of time without them then I work those hours back in the evening. My overall take is that lone parenting is relentless and you can't understand how hard that is until you have a child as there is no comparison. I am also an older mum, I was 43 when I had them, navigating peri menopause with small children is also very difficult and I am conscious that they may still be young adults when I die, I do have a DD 17 so they will have someone when I'm no longer here. I also haven't had to cross the bridge of explaining their lack of a father to them yet which is another thing to deal with.
I hope my post isn't negative as I do love my children and I don't regret having them but in my case having them has made my life alot harder and poorer than it might have been. Good luck with whatever decision you make.