To ask if anyone has become a single mother by choice and then regretted it

[JNicholson]

Just that, really. Am 39, single, and asking myself if I should go it alone. Struggling because honestly the idea doesn’t appeal to me, but neither does never having kids. I know from previous mumsnet threads that some people do do it and feel great about it and that it was the right choice. So, while I’m happy for those people, I’m not asking for that perspective as I already know it’s there. Just wondering if anyone has done it, or knows someone who has done it, and subsequently felt it wasn’t a great idea. I’d like to hear that perspective too.

Not giving a poll as, on reflection, I don’t think this is really an AIBU, more of a posting for traffic one.

A friend’s daughter got pregnant from ivf abroad with donor sperm. It’s been an unmitigated disaster. She never bonded properly, she regretted doing it before he was even born but it was too late by then, she has two nannies so she never has to be alone with him, despite that she has very high expectations of her mum and other relatives and often says they owe her support as she’s a single mum, it’s so hard, he’s exhausting, she bitterly regrets the whole thing. Her son struggles with his behaviour, probably from feeling his mum resents his existence, so they struggle to maintain friendships with other people. My friend is tearing her hair about but there’s nothing she can do.

Will your child regret it,is that a concern for you

Thank you for posting, although I’m extremely sorry to hear about this situation. This is the kind of reply I was looking to see whether it existed, basically. SMBC are such a small proportion of mothers that it can be harder to get a sense of the full range of experiences.

It's good that I've struck a nerve, as it shows you know you're in the wrong.

No, I’m not in the wrong. This is a valid thread, and I’m grateful to the many people who have given helpful answers. As it’s mumsnet, I do of course also expect that there will be some shitstirrers who don’t read my posts properly and whose main aim in being here is to hector the OP, misread the situation and attribute the worst possible motives no matter what the original post might be. Par for the course.

Bollocks. Children need a loving support network which doesn’t necessarily include a man. I’m sorry your experience was a negative one but I’m a single parent and love it.

I'd be really surprised if you find someone who out and out regrets it, because that's regretting the existence of the child they have and that's a huge and unusual thing. (I know you don't want to hear from this perspective, but I have an 8 month old and I really do not regret it, even though it's hard, because she's perfect.)

There's a Facebook group, Solo Mothers by Choice UK, which has less concern trolls and more actual SMBCs on it if you want to try the question there?

It's a hard decision, and only you can make it. For what it's worth, I never got to a place of being sure sure it was the right thing, just knew I didn't want to have not tried.

I do also know people with positive stories but as you’ve only asked for the negatives those are the only ones I’ll mention.

I have two friends who are SMBC who although they would never say they regret having their child, they do regret that they did it alone because they found & still find it incredibly difficult (our kids are still young), all the financial pressure, the household, the mental load, every single sick day/holiday/inset day being their responsibility has really impacted their career which is stressful as single parents who really can’t afford to lose their jobs. Every item of clothing, food, every gift & school trip being theirs to fund, not having someone to bounce ideas off even down to things like when their child is poorly- do they need A&E, GP, wait & see? All of those are solely their decision and that’s hard. There’s no off switch, they are “on” from wake up til bed time, no exceptions and they’ve found that very very difficult- there’s nobody to hand off to so you can have a soak in the bath or just watch some TV after a rubbish day etc. Both had a really tough time postpartum & with young babies especially but even now everything being 100% your responsibility is a heavy burden.

I also have a friend who was the child in the situation you propose and wishes things had been different. She will always be grateful for the things her mum did do but especially as she has gotten older she see’s her mum’s choice as a selfish decision and has a hard time with that. She didn’t ask to be born, no child does, and it has really had quite an impact on her growing up and also on how she see’s things now which isn’t an easy thing to navigate for her or her mum now. Her mum wanted a baby, but didn’t really think about what that baby might want, need, or grow up to be, and as I say that is a cause of conflict between them now which is tricky.

@mewling you are speaking from your perspective not your child’s.

Sad again that you see a child-focused response as "shitstirrers... whose main aim is to hector the OP." Please think of the child and not yourself.

I think it’s strange to talk as if the mother’s and child’s perspectives and wellbeing can be completely separated. If a parent feels regret then of course that is going to affect the child. Weighing up whether some SMBC have regretted their choice is considering the potential child’s wellbeing.

But the mother can be delighted with her choice and the child still struggle immensely with their sense of identity from not having a father or knowing their father.

I chose to take ds and leave ex. I suppose I could have stayed if I was prepared to put up with extreme drunkenness and contempt.

I have never regretted leaving. It was the right thing to do. Ds is a happy secure cheerful teen.

I think to a large degree this is about how what the family unit looks like is changing. If people are focused on having a mum and dad in primary caregiver roles and feel that it’s a bad thing not to have that, they’ll be burdening their child with the same worldview.

My friend adopted her DC. She has provided them with a loving home environment without a traditional father figure. Instead, they are wrapped in love from a huge support network which includes men and women of all shapes, sizes and denominations. They are thriving.

I know someone, and they love it. She’s also older, and has a six month old.

@Mewling depending on the circumstances that child will have link to genetic parents. Wasn’t created purposely to be adopted and have no link to them. To create a child purposely to have no link to genetic parent is not thinking about the child.

@Praying4Peacea drunkard is hardly a father.

39 is quite on the older side to suddenly start thinking about this...

By the time you look into it and proceed and actually start the IVF process and potentially get pregnant, then give birth , you're looking at 42-43. Then the likelihood is you'll have an only child with no siblings with an older mother.

Personally, I think it's potentially selfish.

I totally support you in your decision not to do it, then.

I am a single mother by choice and don't regret it at all. I talk a lot with my children about how families come in all shapes and sizes. What makes a family isn't about what members it contains, it's about everyone loving each other. I would not have had it any other way.

Also seeing friends and family go through horrific separations with some of the dads just meeting someone else and disappearing, that's much more traumatic for the kids. There's no way of guaranteeing that, just because you start off in a relationship/with a coparent, it will stay that way.

Or they may not. And also the same thing could be said about children who do know who their fathers are but have no contact or kids who are adopted. I actually think that having a parent completely reject you could be far more damaging. I have worked with lots of kids damaged and hurt by the actions and attitudes of their fathers and mothers.

No one can predict the future and say exactly how this child may feel about their identity. All OP can consider is if she can give a child a stable and loving home.

Bit of a silly response op...

Why did you not think of your desire to be a mother earlier? Or were you entirely career focused and then thought about it way too late ? It's getting a very common story on here ....

Friend of a friend did it, was diagnosed with cancer just before the birth of baby (at 45), died when the baby was 3. Baby taken into care as the mother was an only child and parents too elderly to have her. Honestly the bleakest thing I’ve ever heard.

If you do go it alone, make sure you’ve got a support network and have considered what will happen if the worst case scenario happened.

Hey OP i have recently become a single Mum, by choice. I definitely don't regret it i couldn't live my life the way it was (that's another story) now I am completely free, I can do what I want to MY house, I get to have my gorgeous son all to myself yes it is hard work at times and I often crave me time but overall it's liberating 😍