To ask if anyone has become a single mother by choice and then regretted it

[JNicholson]

Just that, really. Am 39, single, and asking myself if I should go it alone. Struggling because honestly the idea doesn’t appeal to me, but neither does never having kids. I know from previous mumsnet threads that some people do do it and feel great about it and that it was the right choice. So, while I’m happy for those people, I’m not asking for that perspective as I already know it’s there. Just wondering if anyone has done it, or knows someone who has done it, and subsequently felt it wasn’t a great idea. I’d like to hear that perspective too.

Not giving a poll as, on reflection, I don’t think this is really an AIBU, more of a posting for traffic one.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on what stepped in to replace it …. Social media is doing an amazing job of educating the masses into being in good people isn’t it?

I reject your basic premise that going to a church on Sunday made men better partners and fathers. It's clearly not true.

Well, I look at the men today who have rejected going to church on a Sunday and I’m not seeing remarkable improvement.
Maybe we’ve peaked and this is it
But men before they were peer pressured and Society expected them to attend Church were horrific. And have improved.

No.

I think they’re more implying a lot of men face shame and accountability in the past. There were expectations if he got someone pregnant to do the right thing ( yes not ideal to just couple up as you’re pregnant). There would’ve been great shame for abandoning a child. I also remember on one of those who do you think you are BBC thing that years ago the church would try and publicly chase up absent Fathers for payment to their children. They were also expected to be the breadwinner, there was certainly more responsibility placed on men in those days. The pill, legal abortion and the welfare state changed things. Then of course Maggie thatcher brought in CSA and we were left hearing sad tales of men feeling suicidal having to pay maintenance.

Culturally the hard fact is that it's acceptable for men to abandon children. 49% of fathers who live separately don't see their children regularly and 1 in 10 never see their children at all. Not sure how the figures have changed in the last years but it's hard to believe it's improved. (Hope I'm wrong).

A proportion of those should absolutely not have contact and there may be unusual circumstances for a few more, but for no less than half of non-resident fathers to not regularly see their kids means that frankly the cultural expectation just isn't there. The hard fact of the matter is that the moral aspect of it, or the plain fact that most children need their father, doesn't motivate them enough.

https://www.theguardian.com/news/datablog/2013/nov/20/non-resident-dads-relationship-children

I’m trying to be polite here, but could the people who want to discuss the history of manhood and fatherhood PLEASE create their own thread and move that discussion to it? I think it’s unbelievably rude to come on a thread where the OP has asked for information about a specific topic, and advice from a specific set of people, and fill it up with post after post that is tenuously related at absolute best. It’s not just rude to the OP (me in this case), it’s rude to the posters who have taken the trouble to share relevant replies and personal life experiences and whose posts are getting drowned out by discussion that belongs on a different thread.

Having just had a sift through this thread to find the posts that actually addressed my question, I’m massively grateful to the large number of people who have left long, thoughtful and thought-provoking replies about their own experiences or the experiences of people they know with single parenthood. It’s helped to answer my specific question (yes, there are some SMBC who regret it) but also been really insightful in a broader way. Sending thanks to all of you.

As a donor conceived person, I agree 100%.

Have to say, OP, if you're trying to be polite you've got a very long way to go. As evidenced by the fact that Mumsnet deleted one of your posts, it was so rude.