To ask if anyone has become a single mother by choice and then regretted it

[JNicholson]

Just that, really. Am 39, single, and asking myself if I should go it alone. Struggling because honestly the idea doesn’t appeal to me, but neither does never having kids. I know from previous mumsnet threads that some people do do it and feel great about it and that it was the right choice. So, while I’m happy for those people, I’m not asking for that perspective as I already know it’s there. Just wondering if anyone has done it, or knows someone who has done it, and subsequently felt it wasn’t a great idea. I’d like to hear that perspective too.

Not giving a poll as, on reflection, I don’t think this is really an AIBU, more of a posting for traffic one.

Career focused? Yes how selfish to want to make enough money to support a family before you have kids!! Have them young and get magic money trees to pay instead 👏

Slightly different but I chose to continue an unplanned pregnancy when the father wanted no involvement. It has been the best thing I've ever done. I'm sure most people would rather exist than not have ever been made. Don't listen to judgy people because most of them hate their husbands and just have nasty things to say. If you have the love and support around you then do it.

Or.... You could think about starting before you're almost 40? Middle ground somewhere isn't there ?

Another factor I’d really recommend looking into to inform your decision at 39+ is the risks both for you & baby.

At 40 if you did manage to fall pregnant & stay pregnant you’re more likely to have issues during pregnancy like gestational diabetes, preeclampsia, high blood pressure etc, you’re also more likely to need a c section. None of those things are deal breakers but it depends on the support you have available & finances- if you were to have a really tough time, do you have a support network to get you through it?

Equally at your age you have a higher chance of having a child with chromosomal abnormalities, aside from that I’d think about how you’d cope (or not) if you had a child with additional needs. How would you get by if you were unable to work because you had a child who couldn’t be in nursery/school, ever live independently, what would that look like for you? It’s the dice you roll with any pregnancy of course but the risks are higher for you, and those things are tricky to manage in a household with two parents & incomes, what would be your plan to manage that solo?

Again, neither are immediate deal breakers but it’s worth considering how you’d cope with every scenario.

Totally up to them then isn't it ? But then you can't cry about it when you get to 40 and think about doing solo IVF and it's fraught with controversy and difficulty. You make your choices.

I'm glad someone has posted some reality here. 39 is advanced maternal age and there's little benefit of glossing over that.

Because for most people (not privileged) its not that simple, just to decide to have a family! Unless you are reliant on someone else to pay, ie rich husband or the state. Its nice for a LOT of women to be independent and make their own career, not just exist, reproduce and freeload.

I wish you well with your career as an aspiring fiction writer.

Please do feel free to create threads where posters can debate the ethics of sperm donation or the best age to become a mother or the proper balance between career and motherhood. These are clearly topics that interest you, and I expect if you browse mumsnet you can find that there are some already existing threads on these topics to which you may wish to add. This is a thread asking for contributions from SMBC who have regretted it or people who know SMBC who have regretted it.

Many thanks again to the posters who have left useful and relevant replies above, I’m reading with interest.

I don't ask for opinions or advice on MN anymore. A small number of people will try to help, others will always find a way of causing hurt or an argument. I wish you well for the future.

You're just being silly now

I know a woman your age who did it alone. It was a pretend oops baby though - pretended to be on the pill and the guy didnt stay with her. She must have known that was a risk.

Her life is pretty chaotic. She developed a long term health problem meaning she cant now work and ia frequently in hospital whilst her child is palmed off to whoever will have them. The poor child is developing anxiety due to the uncertainty and mum always being ill. He's primary age.

It's always a risk something will happen and there's no safety net.

Also do you want a partner ? It might be harder to meet someone if you have a child and you'd like a relationship.

@crumblingschoolsEveryone has a link to genetic parents, it’s just how much power that link is given. Again, I think this is about how you frame it to the child. You’re placing enormous emphasis on there being a father figure. That’s clearly your perspective of the family unit. But that’s not what every family looks like these days, and that’s not the bad thing you’re suggesting it is.

Gosh so rude.

The OP has come on here asking for opinions...

Another one who adores being a single mum to a donor baby. It's a breeze. Men make everything worse.

Honestly, you are just shit stirring at this point. Children can be brought into all sorts of less than ideal situations either at birth or afterwards. Is not knowing your father/having a donor father worse than having a father that abandoned your mother and doesn’t care about you? Or having abusive parents? Having parents with ill health or no money or who are constantly fighting then end up getting divorced down the line? There are a range of less than ideal situations into which children are regularly born and in my opinion this child would be better off than many others out there by the sounds of it. Fair enough if you don’t agree with donor conception (fwiw I wouldn’t have done it either and I know I couldn’t have been a SMBC) but to suggest the OP isn’t considering the potential child’s interests is ludicrous as she’s clearly thought long and hard about this.

OP to answer your question I know one SMBC who regretted it, her child has special needs and her support system failed as her sister became very ill around the same time the child was born. She loves her child but openly says she wouldn’t do it all over again knowing how it turned out. I also know several other SMBC who are thriving (and had a friend growing up who was the child in this situation and she never questioned it or had any issues from what I saw. Now well adjusted and successful with a family of her own and still very close to her mum until she passed away last year).

Well yes, the same is true of children who are adopted or whose fathers abandoned them. This is well-known. It's extremely important to consider these things and not just think about the impact on the adults.

I know. What a rude and childish response from that poster.

I suppose on Mumsnet we all must agree to one narrative and have done with it else "nobody cares about your irrelevant opinions".

Being child-focused isn't shitstirring.

I'm reporting you. That's two extremely childish personal attacks. One to this poster and one to me

If you're on the fence then freeze some eggs/embryos now. I didn't, then met someone, had a baby naturally at 42 and would have loved some of my younger eggs for a sibling

I know two women who have done this, both have supportive family who have helped but that would have happened anyway. Both are really happy about it, I think there comes a point when if you want children you just have to get on with it and make it happen. I don’t even think it’s been particularly difficult for them honestly. Women are left holding the baby or take on all child rearing responsibilities even though they have a partner so often is it even a question that needs answering.

It shows up the "just do it!" crowd for what they are.