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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dm wants me to forgo car seats. Wwyd?

155 replies

Carseatdrama · 12/08/2025 12:19

So we are going on holiday this week. Df has offered to drive us the ten miles to the airport which was gratefully received. It's about 10 miles, on motorway and national roads. Dc are 6 and 7 so have car seats.

Dm wants to wave us off at the airport and has just had a massive go at me for insisting on using car seats resulting in her hanging up when I didn't change my mind. Me and dc could fit in the back with no car seats but not with. She thinks im being ridiculous for insisting on putting them in them and therefore ruining her idea of being able to wave them off. She could say bye to them at my house before we go too.

Df is a taxi driver not to dripfeed so can get away with this as people would presume its a fare paying job so normal laws don't apply.

My take is that it's an unnecessary risk and I'm not comfortable with it. Df offered to drop her off at the airport before coming back to pick us up but she didn't want to sit in greggs for an hour.

Yabu - it's not a big deal, just ditch the car seats
Yanbu - safety first!

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 12/08/2025 14:59

Your mother is lacking good judgement and up to date info on car safety for children. She's also putting her wishes ahead of your kids' safety.

Give that request the consideration it deserves, which is zero.

Squishymallows · 12/08/2025 15:01

Say thanks for the lift but no thank you. And book a taxi. Who is she the queen of sheeba?!

Laiste · 12/08/2025 15:01

CoraPirbright · 12/08/2025 13:05

Do you really need her for childcare in September? I would have serious doubts about leaving them in the care of someone who thinks that waving goodbye is more important than safety (and the law).

this

SummerIsNotOverYet · 12/08/2025 15:08

I'll be asking for her help with childcare in September and I've pissed her off

Don't ask her. My MIL used tricks like this when she didn't get her own way so I stopped asking her/ FIL. As a result she has not babysat for about 8 years and believe me, it is not me who has missed out, I just paid someone to babysit for me and now my DC are older and I am at my leisure as I don't owe them anything.

purplecorkheart · 12/08/2025 15:11

God you will really need the holiday with a mother like that.

I am curious does she travel much by air herself? She seems to have a rose tinted version of what it is actually like being in an airport.

I cannot believe that she thinks risking her Grandchildren's life is more important than having to either waving them off at home or sitting in a Greggs for a bt.

ceilingfanfan · 12/08/2025 15:13

Of course YANBU to insist on car seats but all seems a bit of an unnecessary drama over 10 miles, why can’t one person get a separate taxi?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 12/08/2025 15:17

teksquad · 12/08/2025 12:37

Jesus christ, get an uber with booster seats.

I can't think of anything worse than having my mother waving me off at an airport, even if I was emigrating. Have you done an airport drop off recenlty? They are hectic and will be insanley busy in August. Why would you want someone flapping around getting in the way when you're trying to find the bag drop etc?

I agree - I hate being “waved off” in any circumstances”. I much prefer a quiet minute to take stock/ check I have everything etc before embarking on a journey. Someone watching me making sure I’d got everything ready to go through customs would be a distraction I wouldn’t want!

outerspacepotato · 12/08/2025 15:19

"she had a massive go and eventually hung up saying that I'll be asking for her help with childcare in September and I've pissed her off."

Are you really expecting her to do childcare in September?

"she apologised to dd because she wouldn't be able to come to the airport and that made dd sad so I'm upsetting my dd by enforcing my position on the car seats. "

I think you'd be making a big mistake if so. Besides her thinking her feelings are more important than your kids' safety, she seems manipulative with your kids to the point of upsetting them to get her way and downright mean.

I'd be decreasing contact with her.

gamerchick · 12/08/2025 15:22

Tbh OP id sort something else out.

At least you know she's capable of using childcare as a weapon though. That's something to keep in mind for the future. It's sad that she's cutting off her nose.

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 12/08/2025 15:32

She is being incredibly selfish. Tell DF she either stays home or you will sort something else out.

HotDogKetchup · 12/08/2025 15:36

My PIL also have an aversion to car seats. My MIL is also apparently crash tested and the need for car seats absolved by her “sitting next to them” I put the car seats in their car whilst they object.

Weirdly it’s ISOfix that blows their minds. I have no idea why, but each time I insert an isofix seat they just seem totally bemused and have to narrate the whole experience.

Make sure you book your transfers ahead OP so you can ask for car seats at your destination.

Pricelessadvice · 12/08/2025 15:40

What age are car seats not needed anymore?
I was of an era where there were no car seats for anyone other than babies.

TomeTome · 12/08/2025 15:44

So she’s put the phone down on you AND when that wasn’t satisfying enough upset your child about the beginning of the holiday? Get the train there, send a text saying you’ll go under your own steam, then don’t discuss it with her or FIL further.

gamerchick · 12/08/2025 15:44

Pricelessadvice · 12/08/2025 15:40

What age are car seats not needed anymore?
I was of an era where there were no car seats for anyone other than babies.

When they're big enough not to need a booster.

Pricelessadvice · 12/08/2025 15:46

gamerchick · 12/08/2025 15:44

When they're big enough not to need a booster.

Show quote history

Ah so it goes on height rather than age?
So small older kids might need to use a booster?

PurpleThistle7 · 12/08/2025 15:47

The car seat or not isn’t the issue. The issue is that your MIL is being self centred and ridiculous. You’re the one in charge and no one else gets a vote. Just say no thank you and find another way there. Too much drama with this plan

Rosegoldy · 12/08/2025 15:49

Your mother sounds like a nasty unhinged cow.

Original poster
Carseatdrama · 12/08/2025 16:06

On the scale of things she's come out with/ done over the years this is like a drop in the ocean. It just really annoyed me that to me this is indisputable, it's absolute, either safer or not safe. The way she makes me feel unreasonable is incredible though.

Childcare is another guilt trip, my stbxh has gone awol since June with both me and the kids so no help there and it's unlikely he will be involved in any meaningful way going forward I'd imagine, when I've mentioned childcare previously it's been made clear that I'm doing something awful to them by putting them in childcare when there's family willing to help. Which to be fair they have helped but as soon as something doesn't go her way it's thrown in my face.

She has a nasty habit of moving off topic and lashing out about whatever she can think of.

OP posts:
MaidOfSteel · 12/08/2025 16:09

Is she always such a drama queen?

Youre their mother and it is your decision. I think you’ve made the right one.

PractisingMyTelekenipsis · 12/08/2025 16:09

Pricelessadvice · 12/08/2025 15:46

Ah so it goes on height rather than age?
So small older kids might need to use a booster?

Show quote history

4ft5, or age 12 IIRC.

bridgetreilly · 12/08/2025 16:11

Waving goodbye at the airport is such a non-event these days because of security. She really needs to let that go.

WhereYouLeftIt · 12/08/2025 16:30

"when I've mentioned childcare previously it's been made clear that I'm doing something awful to them by putting them in childcare when there's family willing to help. Which to be fair they have helped but as soon as something doesn't go her way it's thrown in my face."

"... as soon as I said no and explained it she had a massive go and eventually hung up saying that I'll be asking for her help with childcare in September and I've pissed her off."

Can you arrange childcare in September that doesn't involve your mother? If you can, I would do so. Either she'll mess you around (e.g. agreeing and then pulling out last minute) or she'll force you to be oh-so-fulsomely-grateful. Whichever, it's stress you don't need. You can always lie claim that you didn't want her to feel obliged and word it so that it sounds as if you're doing her a favour. But I think it would be best if you were not dependent on her 'generosity' in any shape or form.

outerspacepotato · 12/08/2025 16:36

Putting them in childcare with people trained in safety issues and child development sounds much safer and better for your kids than your nasty mom.

Sorry, but true.

UntilTheDolphinFlies · 13/08/2025 01:16

They’re your kids, your choice. It’s the law, because it’s safer!!! Your mum has maddened me! I had a similar thing with my MIL who wanted to take my 2 year old DS for a ride in her 2 seater car, so in the front seat, with no car seat. I had to have a big argument with her. No bloody way!!! Just because when that generation had children they didn’t have seat belts in the back/could throw kids in the boot and it all worked out ok does NOT mean you have to be pressured into risking your own child’s life. ALWAYS do what YOU feel is safest for your child. If she gets upset, that’s something she’ll have to deal with, not you. Risking a child’s life to wave them off at the airport? I’m assuming a drive along a motorway is involved? Selfish madness. Reminds me of when MIL became cross with us for being late because we had to pull over so I could breast feed my young baby. She thought I should just have unbuckled him, pulled him to the front and fed him on the front seat, on the motorway. Grrrrr.

Rant over!

NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 13/08/2025 09:54

Carseatdrama · 12/08/2025 16:06

On the scale of things she's come out with/ done over the years this is like a drop in the ocean. It just really annoyed me that to me this is indisputable, it's absolute, either safer or not safe. The way she makes me feel unreasonable is incredible though.

Childcare is another guilt trip, my stbxh has gone awol since June with both me and the kids so no help there and it's unlikely he will be involved in any meaningful way going forward I'd imagine, when I've mentioned childcare previously it's been made clear that I'm doing something awful to them by putting them in childcare when there's family willing to help. Which to be fair they have helped but as soon as something doesn't go her way it's thrown in my face.

She has a nasty habit of moving off topic and lashing out about whatever she can think of.

Wow, your mum sounds toxic.
Next time she starts on the childcare issue, spell it out for her - “mum, you thought it was awful to put them in childcare and said there was family willing to help. Now you’re helping but moaning about it. You can’t have it both ways so please tell me which I should do - ask you to look after them or put them in childcare. Whichever one it is, please don’t try and make me feel guilty about it.”