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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dm wants me to forgo car seats. Wwyd?

155 replies

Carseatdrama · 12/08/2025 12:19

So we are going on holiday this week. Df has offered to drive us the ten miles to the airport which was gratefully received. It's about 10 miles, on motorway and national roads. Dc are 6 and 7 so have car seats.

Dm wants to wave us off at the airport and has just had a massive go at me for insisting on using car seats resulting in her hanging up when I didn't change my mind. Me and dc could fit in the back with no car seats but not with. She thinks im being ridiculous for insisting on putting them in them and therefore ruining her idea of being able to wave them off. She could say bye to them at my house before we go too.

Df is a taxi driver not to dripfeed so can get away with this as people would presume its a fare paying job so normal laws don't apply.

My take is that it's an unnecessary risk and I'm not comfortable with it. Df offered to drop her off at the airport before coming back to pick us up but she didn't want to sit in greggs for an hour.

Yabu - it's not a big deal, just ditch the car seats
Yanbu - safety first!

OP posts:
Iris2020 · 12/08/2025 12:58

Well obviously it's better to use car seats and silly of your mother to make a fuss.

That said, it's a big mental shift for for many if her generation who grew up piling 15 kids into the back and boot. And yes, as PP has pointed out, unless you’re leaving from the isle of man airport or something, she won't be able to leave the car to wave you off anyway without paying a small fortune, and when she gets inside will have to leave you before you even check your bags in...

thepariscrimefiles · 12/08/2025 12:59

Carseatdrama · 12/08/2025 12:40

100% agree.

I'm not going to change my mind, dc will always be first. She got annoyed yesterday and said I was a hypocrite because on the way back from a day trip to London our train was initially delayed then cancelled because of a suicide on the line. So at midnight, me and dc were stuck at the station before our city in the cold and wet. I grouped together with another stranded woman and we ubered back to our main city, about 15/20 mins on motorway. Difference was that was an emergency situation and there was no other transport options. It was literally that or sit in a train station on our own til morning. So that's her gotcha moment.

Then df rang me this morning about something else but brought it up and I explained I wasn't going to change my mind. Then dm herself called me to ask me to reconsider about an hour later, as soon as I said no and explained it she had a massive go and eventually hung up saying that I'll be asking for her help with childcare in September and I've pissed her off.

Show quote history

What on earth is the matter with her? You are going on holiday for a week. Why on earth does she need to wave you off at the airport? She is putting her own selfish needs above your children's safety.

The comment about you wanting childcare in September is just more emotional blackmail. If she does provide childcare, look for other options if she is going to stop doing this out of spite. It is probably a good idea to look for alternatives anyway as she doesn't put your children's safety first so is an unsuitable caregiver.

Peaceandlabradors · 12/08/2025 12:59

No I would be no car seat no lift.

Go with the science so I’d text them both this:
Specific examples:
Rear-facing car seats:
A Swedish study found that rearward-facing child seats reduced the likelihood of injury by 90% compared with being unrestrained, according to the Royal Society of the Prevention of accidents.

Forward-facing car seats:
These seats, which help position the seat belt correctly, reduced the risk of injury by 77% for 4 to 10-year-old children, according to RoSPA.

Booster seats:
Children using booster seats are significantly less likely to be injured in a crash than those using seat belts alone, and especially those who are completely unrestrained.
and ask them if she / them could live with themselves knowing the facts and science if there was an accident. If they still insisted I would say my children would never be left in their care as they value themselves about my child’ health. End of.

luckylavender · 12/08/2025 12:59

Get a cab

Letstheriveranswer · 12/08/2025 13:00

Sorry but she is behaving absolutely insane!

FreezeDriedStrawberries · 12/08/2025 13:01

Iris2020 · 12/08/2025 12:58

Well obviously it's better to use car seats and silly of your mother to make a fuss.

That said, it's a big mental shift for for many if her generation who grew up piling 15 kids into the back and boot. And yes, as PP has pointed out, unless you’re leaving from the isle of man airport or something, she won't be able to leave the car to wave you off anyway without paying a small fortune, and when she gets inside will have to leave you before you even check your bags in...

That said, it's a big mental shift for for many if her generation who grew up piling 15 kids into the back and boot
Yeah, agree but the repeated nagging and demanding there's just no need for.

CelestialGazer · 12/08/2025 13:01

It’s the idea that she wants to be there to wave you off that I can’t get my head around. And even if it was a normal thing for a week’s holiday, (which it isn’t) I’m guessing she hasn’t used a busy airport at the peak of summer before?

What are you doing for the return? Is she planning on being there, greeting you like long lost relatives that she can barely recognise from their years in the antipodes? You need to make sure she doesn’t turn up and leave you no choice for the trip home.

LemonTT · 12/08/2025 13:02

Unless you need and want an extra pair of hands to deal with the children whilst you check in or do drop off your mother is just going to be in the way. And she will be waving you off into a queue.

Tell your father that it was good of him to offer to help and you appreciate his offer. But it isn’t worth falling out over so you will sort out something else. Don’t even take the compromise offer because on the day she will contrive to be in the car with you.

MinnieGirl · 12/08/2025 13:03

Ask her if she is happy to risk the chance of your children being flung through the windscreen at speed just so she can wave to you at the airport instead of your house… ask her if she really thinks you would put what she wants ahead of your children’s safety. This would make me totally reconsider how much she was involved with my kids. She is completely ignoring their safety for her own selfish needs.

MyLittleNest · 12/08/2025 13:04

Your mother is being a drama queen. Hanging up on you is extremely immature, all because you disagreed? I sense this entire situation is just another example of bigger personality issues.

So your mother needs to wave you off at the airport so badly? Again, how old are you and how old is she? This is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. You're going on a holiday, not moving away forever.

Her response to you wanting to protect your children by having them in car seats again supports my earlier theory. Your mother sounds completely selfish, self-absorbed, and immature.

Find another way to the airport.

CoraPirbright · 12/08/2025 13:05

Do you really need her for childcare in September? I would have serious doubts about leaving them in the care of someone who thinks that waving goodbye is more important than safety (and the law).

Hercisback1 · 12/08/2025 13:05

Put a kid in the front in the car seat, and 2 adults in the back.

Wreckinball · 12/08/2025 13:06

Ok so DF takes DH and DM Greggs at the airport to wait and DFcomes back for you and the DCS plus car seats. Let the 2 enablers and the PITA be inconvenienced - heard their coffee isn’t too bad. Is she planning on coming to pick you up too as she and DH( if she won’t sit in Greggs alone) will have to wait it out while you and DCS get home first. Glad you are sticking to your guns. Any mates she moans to will either be raising their eyebrows at her or they’re narcissistic idiots too in which case double down and you’ll have a better life if you go NC

andanotherproblem · 12/08/2025 13:07

Take the train

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 12/08/2025 13:08

Is this your first holiday? Bizarre she wants to wave you off. Surely your dad will want to drop and run not pay to park up and come in?

I would make other plans (not including any other family doing it) and then message your dad to say you have sorted something else, thanks for the offer. Refuse to engage with the nonsense.

Cherrysoup · 12/08/2025 13:08

Carseatdrama · 12/08/2025 12:40

100% agree.

I'm not going to change my mind, dc will always be first. She got annoyed yesterday and said I was a hypocrite because on the way back from a day trip to London our train was initially delayed then cancelled because of a suicide on the line. So at midnight, me and dc were stuck at the station before our city in the cold and wet. I grouped together with another stranded woman and we ubered back to our main city, about 15/20 mins on motorway. Difference was that was an emergency situation and there was no other transport options. It was literally that or sit in a train station on our own til morning. So that's her gotcha moment.

Then df rang me this morning about something else but brought it up and I explained I wasn't going to change my mind. Then dm herself called me to ask me to reconsider about an hour later, as soon as I said no and explained it she had a massive go and eventually hung up saying that I'll be asking for her help with childcare in September and I've pissed her off.

Show quote history

Hinting that she won’t do childcare? Do you need her? I’m gobsmacked that she’s keen to risk their safety for her selfish desire to wave you off. Has she done similar before? Is she willing to stop seeing you because you could just tell her where to go and stop visiting if she’s going to be stupid (if you don’t rely on her for childcare).

Is your df actually going to refuse to take you? Will he turn up with her in the car? If I were you, I’d make a backup plan just in case.

littleorangefox · 12/08/2025 13:09

parietal · 12/08/2025 12:30

Can’t a 6 and 7 year old sit on the £5 booster seats from Tesco and be safe but still have space for 3 in the back? But if you want them in big seats, that is your choice.

They wouldn't be safe on these though.

Drivingthevengabus · 12/08/2025 13:10

Hercisback1 · 12/08/2025 13:05

Put a kid in the front in the car seat, and 2 adults in the back.

Why?

WaltzingWaters · 12/08/2025 13:10

So she wants to put her grandchildren’s lives at risk so she can wave them off for a weeks holiday? Ridiculous of her.

ThatCyanSheep · 12/08/2025 13:11

Iris2020 · 12/08/2025 12:58

Well obviously it's better to use car seats and silly of your mother to make a fuss.

That said, it's a big mental shift for for many if her generation who grew up piling 15 kids into the back and boot. And yes, as PP has pointed out, unless you’re leaving from the isle of man airport or something, she won't be able to leave the car to wave you off anyway without paying a small fortune, and when she gets inside will have to leave you before you even check your bags in...

Car seats have been the law since 2006. That’s 19 years for her to get used to it.

TillyTrifle · 12/08/2025 13:12

Someone who prioritised her own convenience and ego over my children’s safety would have very little, if anything, to do with us.

TillyTrifle · 12/08/2025 13:14

And I wouldn’t dream of letting her do
childcare unsupervised, never mind ask her to. Surely you won’t be?

ElfAndSafetyBored · 12/08/2025 13:15

Carseatdrama · 12/08/2025 12:31

Yeah, the alternative would be to ask my grandad or we could use public transport.

I'm glad most seem to have the same response.

No, I don't know why she thinks it's necessary. We're literally away for a week so not that long.

I think she has FOMO about your dad being there to wave you off but not her.

I think you should tell your dad that rather than cause all this fuss, you’ll find your own way there and that you look forward to seeing them both at the airport to wave you off.

Hopefully they’ll see how stupid that is.

But assuming you want a relationship with your mum - and for your kids to have one - I’d refuse that lift. Shame but there you go.

Robin67 · 12/08/2025 13:15

She sounds awful. I suspect this is usual for her. Of course YANBU.

FreezeDriedStrawberries · 12/08/2025 13:16

CoraPirbright · 12/08/2025 13:05

Do you really need her for childcare in September? I would have serious doubts about leaving them in the care of someone who thinks that waving goodbye is more important than safety (and the law).

It's the fact that it's been brought up in an emotional blackmail way as well to get her to say yes that makes me 😡
If possible I'd be wanting to use a childminder/nursery to save any future drama.