AIBU to think DP hijacked my holiday

[Strategies25]

We are a step family and this summer took DP and his children back to my home country to meet my extended family for the first time. It was the first time they’d been there, and the first time meeting my family members. So it was a big deal for me and them.

it was also our first holiday together in 3 years.

in the run up to it both DP and I had been stressed, but we’d actually had some good conversations and worked through it. And we were all looking forward to the holiday.

Well the issue is he made the holiday all about his son, and it really got to me.

it started on the plane. We’ve got two kids each - ranging from 10-14. We were all happy and excited. DP sat next to his son (10) and started doing selfies together and giggling through the whole flight. Would have thought kids could have sat together and us as a couple.

then at the resort all the kids ran off to play on the beach. I felt a moment of wellbeing, but one second later DP was off following his son around to get scenic shots of him on the beach.

anyway that continued all holiday. To an extreme extent. He took around 100 photos a day of his son (bear in mind he’s got 2 children- he completely neglected the other one)
he posted every night- and sometimes several times during the day to Facebook, instagram and his family WhatsApp chat. Photos of his son, his‘special boy’.
he never included any of the rest of us, or any mention of why we were there- to meet my family.

since we’ve been back he’s still posting unseen shots every day.

and now he’s making into a book.

am I right to be feeling massively left out??

the thing is I couldn’t work out what to say that wouldn’t sound ridiculous.

So you left your son with a teen who beats up other children? And you wanted the children to sit together whilst you and DP day together? Then you left your son to get beaten up the whole holiday by this boy, but you seem more concerned about being jealous of a ten year old? The Dad misses his son, he wants to spend time with him. This idea of blended families is not realistic. These children would never see each other again given half the chance. Your poor children are wondering why you didn't spend time with them alone and with your family instead of leaving them with a random team who beats them up.

I find it really bizarre that your partner has a favourite child and completely neglected the other child. It’s really sad tbh. I wouldn’t want someone who behaved like that in my life. You also had high hopes for your holiday together and he behaved carelessly and didn’t consider you in the way you hoped.

Sounds like you’re just there to childmind DP’s eldest child

Blended families are really hard but this sounds especially tangled and difficult.
I’d high tail it out of there if I were you. Sounds like you’re coming from completely different places with different expectations.
is it worth it or would it be better just to concentrate on you and your kids?
I know what I’d do.

Forgetting the issue of him having a golden child for a moment. You are allowing a teenager to beat up your son and your parents have noticed too and are uncomfortable with it.

You need to start thinking about your own child and not just feeling jealous of a 10 year old.

This sounds like a really unhealthy situation and I hope for your child's sake that you don't live together.

Your son is whom I feel really sorry for.
He has been very badly let down by you, that you tolerated this treatment of him on his holiday to visit HIS relatives.
Your son was visiting HIS family and your boyfriend and his children ruined it.

You need to find some real anger on behalf of your son.
Why did you tolerate him being bullied?.
That is on you.
This man couldn't care less about you, your son or his elder son.
What a joke that your parents paid for this fiasco.
Your poor son.
You need to rethink your priorities big time IMO.

I agree. I can feel a spidey sense going off.

You both sound absolutely awful.

NO wonder why the eldest is horrible to the little one if this is how the dad behaves around them!
I feel for the eldest child

You said you are now thinking of ending the relationship.

Please do.

You are absolutely right he hijacked your family holiday to spend all of his - and your - time with his youngest child. In my opinion he was wrong to do that : I perfectly understand he loves his child and wants to make the most of the days they are together but this trip to present your new family to your parents was not the time nor the place. Your partner should've/could've taken his youngest child on a nice father&son outing, agreed on in advance by the boy's mother ánd you. Making the whole family rotate around his wishes is a serious red flag.

the moody teen beats up the 10 year old any chance he gets which is why DP tries to keep them apart.

What on earth the teen actually beats up the ten year old physically?

I can see why he d want to spoil his youngest than in that case. It sounds as if he tolerates a lot from his older sibling.

Your resentment of his 'golden boy' will destroy your relationship even if you do move on from this holiday.

Well it sounds like it was an eye opener and has made you reassess things which I think is wise. Your mum noticing must have been embarassing but I'm sure she will be supportive that she would want you to be happy.

It sounds really extreme how he showers one child with all that OTT attention and adoration, neglects the older one AND let the older one annoy your child without a care in the world about it as long as his youngest was happy. What a tool!

You all deserve better than he is capable of emotionally from the sounds of things.

No wonder teen beats up her brother - your P is an idiot, would be a dealbreaker for me.

I thought that. TBH that would bother me more than him neglecting me. It might be ok if he's not taking photos of the other child if they said no-sometimes one of your kids hates photos, and the other likes them, age can be a factor too. Or is it that he thinks one isn't his kid? Maybe far-fetched, but unless there's an age gap/one had particular needs/is going through something (and even then, focusing only on one can be problematic), it seems odd.

Firstly you talked about attention, then said "beat up" and now "his teen harassed and bullied my son the whole flight". So what you're saying is that you've moved a new family into your home with someone who attacks your child, is that right? Why the fuck would you do that? You should worry about protecting your child, not how many photos are taken of you.

Yes you’re right. I guess I’ve kind of got the jealousy of the 10yr old out of my system now. And realised that the issue was he left his older boy unattended to beat up on my son.#

WTAF!

Why does the OP need to 'grow up'? You would take your partner and stepchildren to meet your family for the first time in years, and not be disappointed if your DP showed zero interest in your family and culture? And this after the OP's PARENTS PAID FOR IT!

OP your partner sounds self-centred, insensitive and a crap father, including to the 'golden child'.

It initially reads like you are jealous of the 10 year old which is odd, and I don't think he was at all unreasonable for sitting beside his child on the plane, or taking photos of his child. (The unequal treatment is concerning when thinking of the wellbeing of the children, though different ages and having very different amounts of time with Dad probably has a big part in that) It sounds terrible though that his children can't interact nicely (that's really not normal) and I'd be annoyed that he wasn't managing the older one if they were being mean to your child. I wouldn't expect lots of attention on me from my husband when we holiday with our children, which is what it sounds like you expected.

Nah, taking a hundred photos a day of his son, whilst totally ignoring his wife is what's weird and obviously has upset her.

You don't sound like you like either child so it's certainly better for them if you don't become their step mum.

I think perhaps he made a big fuss of the younger boy because he doesn’t see him as often. I think you had a completely different expectation about the trip/holiday by comparison to your partner. It does sound as if he was taking loads of photos to probably annoy his ex and show her what a marvellous time they were having together. He didn’t think about your needs at all and he seems emotionally unavailable. He’s perhaps deeply insecure. I think he may be gaslighting you. I would consider running for the hills as he’ll probably only get worse, not better.

I think you are both utterly ridiculous.

Maybe they should go on holiday on their own once or twice a year...maybe a break away somewhere and then u go on separate holidays?
I realise you feel left out but holidays with kids dont tend to be relaxing ...they are all about the kids & are typically hard work . It's natural that he is excited as he doesn't see the 10 year old.
I think you have just gotta come out and say ot regarding dad's behaviour. You definitely need to pull up your teen on the beating up thing too.