AIBU to think DP hijacked my holiday

[Strategies25]

We are a step family and this summer took DP and his children back to my home country to meet my extended family for the first time. It was the first time they’d been there, and the first time meeting my family members. So it was a big deal for me and them.

it was also our first holiday together in 3 years.

in the run up to it both DP and I had been stressed, but we’d actually had some good conversations and worked through it. And we were all looking forward to the holiday.

Well the issue is he made the holiday all about his son, and it really got to me.

it started on the plane. We’ve got two kids each - ranging from 10-14. We were all happy and excited. DP sat next to his son (10) and started doing selfies together and giggling through the whole flight. Would have thought kids could have sat together and us as a couple.

then at the resort all the kids ran off to play on the beach. I felt a moment of wellbeing, but one second later DP was off following his son around to get scenic shots of him on the beach.

anyway that continued all holiday. To an extreme extent. He took around 100 photos a day of his son (bear in mind he’s got 2 children- he completely neglected the other one)
he posted every night- and sometimes several times during the day to Facebook, instagram and his family WhatsApp chat. Photos of his son, his‘special boy’.
he never included any of the rest of us, or any mention of why we were there- to meet my family.

since we’ve been back he’s still posting unseen shots every day.

and now he’s making into a book.

am I right to be feeling massively left out??

the thing is I couldn’t work out what to say that wouldn’t sound ridiculous.

I can’t understand why you didn’t say anything to him then or on return. Are you easily intimidated and worried about his reaction?

Is the older teen getting any help with his ADHD?

Why doesn't he stay with his mother ever?

Thank you! This thread is nuts!

I know I’m only hearing one side of a whole story cube, but…

… he sounds awful.

Surely even your parents were disgruntled?

You need to prioritise yourself and your kids. Maybe you actually didn’t need to take photos with your DP and his kids anyway because based on what you described, you might be better off reflecting whether your DP and his children add anything to your and your kids’ life

Do you live together?

How has his favouritism only just come to light?

He has shown you who he is. And that is someone who saw this as a holiday with son.

I hope he doesn’t live in your home.

I don’t think you can force him to live your dream of a holiday where he learns about your family and culture and history. That’s not really fair - if he’s not interested, he’s not interested.

However, that is the ONLY thing I’ll allow him. He’s a shite person in every other way, from what you’ve said.

You need to protect your OWN children. His child is literally abus!ng yours - physically, verbally, mentally, and emotionally, just from what you’ve said. Your DP isn’t doing anything to help his own child (who IS struggling and suffering themselves, it sounds like) nor is he stopping his child from literally harming yours.

I feel sorry for DP’s older child, I truly do - but your children come first. Protecting them is your priority - and responsibility.

I’d have a “serious-business” chat with DP and lay down some absolute ground rules, but if he refuses outright or does nothing o help his poor teenager (and/or prevent said teenager from having a go at your DC) I’d bin him and the relationship entirely.

It sucks all around (and that 10-year-old is going to be utterly insufferable as an adult, I’ve seen this exact situation happen in my family with my cousins and have experienced the resulting insufferable adults firsthand) but the safety of your DC comes first, IMO.

Firstly, there is no way I'd allow a teenager to beat up my child. That would've been nipped in the bud straightaway.

Secondly, it sounds like DP went way overboard with his younger DS, leaving the rest of you out. Very generous of your DP to pay for the holiday. Doesn't sound like DP really appreciated it imo.

I’d be bothered that your DP favoured one child over another however you wanting the trip to be more about you sounds a little spoilt. If you can’t accept that your DP’s children come first then maybe this isn’t the relationship for you.

I think some of the responses are a bit harsh here OP, though I can also see why people think the dynamic with the children is a bigger problem!

It is NOT unreasonable of you to think there would be more shared family moments or that he would put more effort into getting to know your family and where you come from, rather than all the focus being on one child!
I can understand him being a little more focused on the 10yr old he doesnt see as much, but not to the complete exclusion of you and his other child, moody teenager who doesnt want to join in, or not! They actual need more love and grace at this time in their development and even if they dont want to partake, they still need to feel like their parent(s) want them involved. It isnt any wonder he picks on his brother if the dad treats him like the golden child!

I would question whether to continue with this relationship from what you have said and please god dont have a child with someone who already has 2 kids with 2 different women. How come his eldest lives with you full time? Is his mum still in his life?

That poor teenage boy. No wonder he beats up everyone. He must feel like utter shite

Also is anyone helping his older son with his ADHD, cos adolescence with ADHD can absolute destroy a kids self-esteem and set them on a wrong foot for life, let alone with a parent who openly favours their sibling. No wonder the kid is acting out, it's not ok, but he likely cannot help it and needs more support than it sounds like he is getting!

Not fully clear on his behavior, but reading your post sent up red flags for his son because it definitely reads as grooming behavior. Based on what you've written, I would hazard a guess that there is a much bigger issue and it has to do with child safety.

I recommend marital counseling with separate sessions. You need to talk about his behavior with the one child. And then he needs to speak to the therapist one on one and the therapist can decide if there needs to be a child wellness report made. Keep a diary, video it if you can. It reads like it is way too intensely focused to be harmless/normal. It was alarming to read.

Youre an adult, youve not been neglected. Grow up.

' I guess I felt I was showcasing my blended family for the first time,'

do you think you were trying to seek your parents'approval ?

are they not ' happy ' with the blending of families ?

@Strategies25 his older child plays up because he is jealous of the attention the 10yo gets. The Dad needs to stop that nonsense, not least because younger will end up as a spoilt brat and the oldest, feeling pushed out. I don’t think your DP
is that great if he can’t see what’s going on and I’d be considering ending it as well.

It all sounds quite bizarre. Does your partner not realise how stupid he is being?

His ten year old may grow into a moody teen before too long, I wonder how he will cope with that.

I would be seriously worried about a teenage boy who beats up younger children, that really is bad and needs to be addressed.

What did your family make of it all?

I think you'd be better off without this man and his children. It's an unhealthy situation.

You mentioned that your partner's sons don't get along. All the more reason for the Dad not to show favoritism to the youngest. I'm sure the older son resents Dad's obvious favorite and takes it out on him.

Agreed. If the teen and 10 year old need kept apart at home due to teens behaviour, its madness to take them on holiday together.

"the thing is I couldn’t work out what to say that wouldn’t sound ridiculous."
that's easy. say "bye bye" they will show you what they are like by their actions is an old saying. you are relying on his words but he has shown you how little you really matter. you are just useful.

He can’t even prioritise both his children let alone yours as well. You’re never going to be a truly blended family because he’s to obsessed with the one ‘special child’. Have you ever seen this behaviour before? If you have, get out now!

This nails it.

You're dating a narc with an elderly scapegoat and a younger golden child. Get rid of him. I feel sorry for his poor children, but you and yours don't need to be exposed to this messed up shit.