To leave DH if he loses his second job in three years?

[Joness2]

My DH got dismissed (walked before he was pushed) from his previous job 3 years ago. It was set to go to hearing but his Union representative advised him he was likely to be dismissed so he resigned in order to not have to declare a dismissal when applying for future roles.

I was furious, I was in the early stages of pregnancy and could not believe he would be so stupid. It was a very worrying time for a while with finances etc.

He found a new job about 2 months before our child was born so had minimal paternity leave (he would have had 4 weeks had he not left his job). It caused a lot of resentment and I struggled to get over it.

He has remained in that job without issue until now. He told me after work today that he has been informed of disciplinary action due to inappropriate comments towards (female) colleagues on a night out. This is the exact reason he had to leave his job before. He promised me then he would not go on nights out with work again, something he has mainly stuck to only waning if it’s something where there isn’t drink involved.

This time, he is convinced that he will get a warning and is not at risk of dismissal. This is his opinion rather than factual.

I am so bloody angry with him doing this again and told him that if he loses his job, we are over. Infact, I’m considering leaving regardless having been told the vile comments.

He says I should be supporting him and that we are a team and to threaten to leave is making it ‘about me’.

Do you think I should try to support him through this and how to handle any hearing or would you leave him to clean up his own mess?

I am still in shock to be honest as only found out this evening. I think when I calm down I am probably going to have to take the disciplinary side of things out of the equation and question whether I can look past those comments full stop.

It would be very complicated with our DC, the house, finances etc but I cannot continue to live in edge with him at risk of losing his job every couple of years because he is incapable of leaving his thoughts to himself and speaking to people with respect.

I found out this evening, do you really expect me to have bags packed already?

Wow those comments are crass. There is no team here, he's done something wrong, multiple times. You gave him a second chance after the first instance (which I think was less derogatory than the current remarks) and he's opened his stupid mouth again. He doesn't sound like he respects women much. I don't think I could respect him any more. Sorry OP. Please don't feel embaressed, he's the one who should be dying of shame, not you.

Fgs what is wrong with some men fucking idiots

I’m so sorry that’s horrendous. You are absolutely right to leave him over this.

When you’ve confronted him about this, what does he say in his defence?

Is his loss of job or his behaviour toward women…..and the implications respect for you?

He has a very low opinion of women and cannot tolerate being managed by one, I detest men like this

The fact he sees a woman succeed and assumes she did it with sex. Meets a new colleague and looks at her body. And hears work is considering formal action and asks fot sex. The issue isnt what he says, its how he thinks and views women

I bet he doesnt say things to male managers about their prowess or meets a male colleague and compliments his bulge.

Is this what you want him to teach DC about women? How really theyre window dressing and sex aids. Leaving may be difficult but you know... once is an accident... twice is on purpose... also let's face it hes given you the white washed version of events...

My heart goes out to you OP, you are living on the edge. Don't be embarrassed about writing down the facts, I am glad you have shared them
I don't know what the answer is and how easy it is to leave.
Please share your pain with a close friend /family member

He said the first manager was a bully, generally vile, disliked by most of his colleagues and he was pissed so reacted to something she said.

The recent time, he was again drinking (work social wasn’t in a drink setting but they all went out after) and got carried away. Says it was high jinks and he’d be amazed if he got more than a slap on the wrist.

He told me after work today that he has been informed of disciplinary action due to inappropriate comments towards (female) colleagues on a night out. This is the exact reason he had to leave his job before

Utterly unforgivable. The disrespect to you and those women, again and again, shows that this is who he is. These are not mistakes. He’s just a disgusting, predatory, inappropriate twat with impulse issues.

Leave. You seem so decent, OP.

I won’t bite to this. What an odd reply when nearly everyone has been so supportive.

@Joness2 I think the fact that he views females in the workplace in this way is really unpleasant. If he lost his job because he made a mistake for example then I would support him. But the comments are out of order & I wonder what he is like socially if he is like this with colleagues 🤷🏻‍♀️

also let's face it hes given you the white washed version of events.

Agree

These are only the things that he has been pulled up on, I’m sure there are countless more comments that he wasn’t pulled up on

Very few people in the workplace make complaints over a one off ( or even a couple of times) incident, people mainly do it after it has been going on for a long time and they eventually have had enough

You are a better woman than I, OP. Kudos.

This must be a huge shock. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Has he apologised to you for his appalling behaviour? Does he even acknowledge how bad this is? You would not be unreasonable to leave over this, regardless of whether he loses his job. I understand not being in a rush to leave him when you’ve only just found out, you need time to process. A lot of people on here expect your life to play out at the speed of a movie and get angry if you don’t immediately leave on their schedule.

Once you start telling people about this and leave him (and I really hope you do) I can almost guarantee you’ll find out he’s made equally disgusting comments to some of your female friends/family and they haven’t told because of some misguided sense of trying to protect you, not him.

Creepy predators like him don’t just let it out at work.

Seems like if he’s drinking, he’s letching, and it won’t have been contained to work colleagues only.

Apart from the fact he is grim, he isn't at all reliable is he? Even if he scrapes through this time with his job intact, you don't know when he will do it again. He doesn't see anything wrong with his behaviour, so he's not going to stop. After losing one job the easiest thing to do would be to keep his leery thoughts to himself, not drink on work events or not socialise with people from work at all.

The fact that he’s making inappropriate comments, alone, would have me seriously considering my future with him, let alone losing his job over it. Do you want to be with the sort of man who makes inappropriate comments to women?

Hope he treats you well, but that behaviour is not acceptable. The fact he's done the same thing a second time means its now a pattern. YANBU.

Sending you the best of the best x

First woman is a bully said something and his response wasnt to call her a bitch or c* but to speculate on how she is in bed?

Second woman comes alone to her first face to face and hes intimidating her by going on about her figure and asking for a sex act was hijinx? Tbh thats sexual harrassment and bullying. This second account sounds worse than the first. Hes not even sorry. Just hoping for a slap on the wrist and to sweep it under the carpet. And with regards to this incident you cant trust his ability to read the room.. because if he could he wouldnt have said this filth

There will have already been an investigation meeting. So had the investigation gone in his favour, you wouldn't have even heard about this incident.

He's a creep who hasn't leaned his lesson. I would have to leave him.

He has no respect for you or for women in general.

What are you on about. He’s in a union, he’s not a high earner. OP has not once indicated he is. Weird take