Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To leave DH if he loses his second job in three years?

795 replies

Joness2 · 11/08/2025 20:22

My DH got dismissed (walked before he was pushed) from his previous job 3 years ago. It was set to go to hearing but his Union representative advised him he was likely to be dismissed so he resigned in order to not have to declare a dismissal when applying for future roles.

I was furious, I was in the early stages of pregnancy and could not believe he would be so stupid. It was a very worrying time for a while with finances etc.

He found a new job about 2 months before our child was born so had minimal paternity leave (he would have had 4 weeks had he not left his job). It caused a lot of resentment and I struggled to get over it.

He has remained in that job without issue until now. He told me after work today that he has been informed of disciplinary action due to inappropriate comments towards (female) colleagues on a night out. This is the exact reason he had to leave his job before. He promised me then he would not go on nights out with work again, something he has mainly stuck to only waning if it’s something where there isn’t drink involved.

This time, he is convinced that he will get a warning and is not at risk of dismissal. This is his opinion rather than factual.

I am so bloody angry with him doing this again and told him that if he loses his job, we are over. Infact, I’m considering leaving regardless having been told the vile comments.

He says I should be supporting him and that we are a team and to threaten to leave is making it ‘about me’.

Do you think I should try to support him through this and how to handle any hearing or would you leave him to clean up his own mess?

OP posts:
NoWordForFluffy · 15/08/2025 14:01

5128gap · 15/08/2025 13:30

So the can has been kicked down the road and his inevitable dismissal delayed. He will be watched like a hawk now by the people who stepped up to disclose this and who will no doubt feel shocked and disappointed at his continued presence. One wrong word and he'll be out. Meanwhile the justifiably upset colleagues will no doubt make sure his reputation goes before him. If he'd showed even the slightest indication of remorse and learning, you may have stood a tiny chance. As it is, I think you should dissociate from him as soon as you can.

Totally agree. The break needs to be made now, not when he inevitably does get fired.

Festivespirit85 · 15/08/2025 14:08

Joness2 · 15/08/2025 13:10

He has text to say he has been given a final written warning and it was never in doubt that he’d get fired but he’s sorry for worrying me.

He then followed up 5 minutes later with - ‘I need a drink after all of this 😂Takeaway and a shag later?’

Furious.

He clearly thinks it's funny! The repulsive creature. Pity he wasn't fired!
I wouldn't be able to sleep with that again!
It wants rewarding for sexual harassment? it clearly lives on another planet!
You deserve better.

Gcsunnyside23 · 15/08/2025 14:10

Joness2 · 15/08/2025 13:10

He has text to say he has been given a final written warning and it was never in doubt that he’d get fired but he’s sorry for worrying me.

He then followed up 5 minutes later with - ‘I need a drink after all of this 😂Takeaway and a shag later?’

Furious.

He's safe for now but it's more of a question on for how long? As he clearly thinks this is all a big joke and he's done nothing wrong. He will be watched like a hawk as no-one will want to work with him due to association and he clearly can't help himself so won't be long before he slips up again. I know you need to stay at the moment due to finances but I'd use this time yo get yourself in a position to be personally stable when you leave. Remember he only told you this because he was at risk of losing his job, has known for months, god knows what else he has/is hiring from you. A guy like that who doesn't see a thing wrong in what he said has no conscience of action

Wtafdidido · 15/08/2025 14:15

Why that text to you shows his sheer audacity and that he doesn’t give a flying fig about the whole disciplinary just that he thinks he has got off Scot free. No doubt he will get pissed up insult someone I. The pub and act like nothing is wrong. What an absolute tosser I am sorry you are with such a n awful man. That text alone is enough to spur you on to leave him though I would probably just pack him a bag and leave it on the doorstep with a note saying no longer welcome here.

anytipswelcome · 15/08/2025 14:15

If you’re planning to stay with him after all of this then you’re out of your actual fucking mind.

What a vile, horrible, misogynist pig your husband is.

I really hope you can see that and aren’t going to subject your kids to witnessing this relationship as their blueprint for any more of their childhood.

anytipswelcome · 15/08/2025 14:23

For clarity, I feel awful for you that this is happening and it’s not your fault he’s a pig. I just can’t understand how after multiple occasions where he’s shown himself to be a misogynist pig who sexually harasses women, in multiple settings, you’re still with him. You deserve so much more. So do your kids.

Gymnopedie · 15/08/2025 14:27

Joness2 · 15/08/2025 13:10

He has text to say he has been given a final written warning and it was never in doubt that he’d get fired but he’s sorry for worrying me.

He then followed up 5 minutes later with - ‘I need a drink after all of this 😂Takeaway and a shag later?’

Furious.

The combination of knowing now what it was he said, plus his attitude of it's all a fuss over nothing, he'd never get sex from me again.

Please don't stay with him just because of finances.

Please don't brush it under the carpet like it didn't happen.

It's only over until the next time.

Crikeyalmighty · 15/08/2025 14:27

@Joness2 I would be concentrating on your own personal situation- start putting money ‘aside’ etc -

BreadInCaptivity · 15/08/2025 14:30

OP you might want to ask a few more questions at some point.

If he’s got a FWW he’s also (see my previous post) likely to be on a performance improvement plan, that is really a tool to manage him out of the business. I expect it will be very stringent and specific.

Any breech if that plan then he’s out.

This is very far from the slap on the wrist he was expecting.

He may feel he’s “won” today but this is simply the company covering themselves whilst doling out the rope and given how he’s behaved and his response to you - he’s already started tying his own noose.

thepariscrimefiles · 15/08/2025 14:41

Joness2 · 15/08/2025 13:10

He has text to say he has been given a final written warning and it was never in doubt that he’d get fired but he’s sorry for worrying me.

He then followed up 5 minutes later with - ‘I need a drink after all of this 😂Takeaway and a shag later?’

Furious.

What an unrepentant cunt of a man.

He's all cock-a-hoop because he's just managed to get away with a final written warning for sexual harassment and thinks that he deserves a reward?

Hopefully, he will become an absolute pariah at work and all the women will give him a very wide berth.

I presume that his current employer doesn't know about the allegations of sexual misconduct at his last workplace and that he left under a cloud for the same behaviours that he has demonstrated here.

Original poster
Joness2 · 15/08/2025 14:41

BreadInCaptivity · 15/08/2025 14:30

OP you might want to ask a few more questions at some point.

If he’s got a FWW he’s also (see my previous post) likely to be on a performance improvement plan, that is really a tool to manage him out of the business. I expect it will be very stringent and specific.

Any breech if that plan then he’s out.

This is very far from the slap on the wrist he was expecting.

He may feel he’s “won” today but this is simply the company covering themselves whilst doling out the rope and given how he’s behaved and his response to you - he’s already started tying his own noose.

Oh yea I’ll definitely be interrogating him on this, frankly I’ve no confidence in him not messing up again down the line!

OP posts:
Tandora · 15/08/2025 14:50

Joness2 · 15/08/2025 13:10

He has text to say he has been given a final written warning and it was never in doubt that he’d get fired but he’s sorry for worrying me.

He then followed up 5 minutes later with - ‘I need a drink after all of this 😂Takeaway and a shag later?’

Furious.

Takeaway and a shag later

He's a fucking pig.

pinkyredrose · 15/08/2025 14:50

Joness2 · 15/08/2025 13:10

He has text to say he has been given a final written warning and it was never in doubt that he’d get fired but he’s sorry for worrying me.

He then followed up 5 minutes later with - ‘I need a drink after all of this 😂Takeaway and a shag later?’

Furious.

😮 wtf! He's pondlife!

BuckChuckets · 15/08/2025 15:00

Joness2 · 15/08/2025 14:41

Oh yea I’ll definitely be interrogating him on this, frankly I’ve no confidence in him not messing up again down the line!

Show quote history

He will mess up, and you don't have to be caught up in the fallout when he does. Are you considering staying with him?

pinkyredrose · 15/08/2025 15:01

Are you going to stay with him Op or are you still processing everything?

Bibanova · 15/08/2025 15:02

🥺😳 Please look up the freedom programme

PhuckTrump · 15/08/2025 15:04

I think you need to set out some firm boundaries with firm consequences, OP. Eg, “If you have one more disciplinary at work, our marriage is over. Three strikes and you’re out; no further discussion.” (That is, unless you’ve already decided to leave.)

MyRootinTootinBaby · 15/08/2025 15:25

Joness2 · 15/08/2025 13:10

He has text to say he has been given a final written warning and it was never in doubt that he’d get fired but he’s sorry for worrying me.

He then followed up 5 minutes later with - ‘I need a drink after all of this 😂Takeaway and a shag later?’

Furious.

Good god. He’s disgusting. Wants to celebrate a mere final warning for sexual harassment.

adlitem · 15/08/2025 15:26

Joness2 · 15/08/2025 13:10

He has text to say he has been given a final written warning and it was never in doubt that he’d get fired but he’s sorry for worrying me.

He then followed up 5 minutes later with - ‘I need a drink after all of this 😂Takeaway and a shag later?’

Furious.

This is so gross. I assume from your responses you won't leave now he's not been sacked, which of course is your choice. However by standing by him just know you are condoning the way he behaves. Regardless of your "interrogation". Rather you than me.

Cosyblankets · 15/08/2025 15:45

If he applies for another job while the FWW is on file i think that has to be declared.

IchiNiSanShiGo · 15/08/2025 16:01

God, he’s repulsive. He’s not taking this seriously at all. Hes never going to be able to stop saying these things. His colleagues are very comfortable reporting his vile comments, so there’s no way he’s not getting sacked at some point.

How long is the warning staying on his file for?

PigletSanders · 15/08/2025 16:05

Just when I thought that repulsive predator couldn’t sink any lower…

OP, I’m so sorry for you being married to that. You seem so decent, I can’t believe how revolting he is.

Laura95167 · 15/08/2025 17:04

Honestly a final warning means any mistake in the next 12 months and hes sacked without notice or pay.

And let's face it with his track record thats a matter of time.

Hotflushesandchilblains · 15/08/2025 17:35

Wow, he really thinks he is hilarious doesnt he? I would be tempted to tell him he could not come home over the weekend while I considered what to do.

BreadInCaptivity · 15/08/2025 17:39

Joness2 · 15/08/2025 14:41

Oh yea I’ll definitely be interrogating him on this, frankly I’ve no confidence in him not messing up again down the line!

Show quote history

If they have given a FWW I’d suggest neither does his employer.

FWW’s are most often used as a less risky way of getting rid than gross misconduct as the employee has less grounds to challenge given the information given, performance plan and all the documentation that goes with that.

But if you really want rid, you generally only do this if you’re pretty damn confident that they will screw up again (or if your own GM case is weak - which I’m not sure it is in this case given multiple testimonies and targets).

I think he might also need to understand that this isn’t just about not making the same “level” of comments again. They will be looking for anything that comes out of his mouth that can be reasonably interpreted as sexual harassment/discrimination - however “mild” by his standards (and given what he has said and thinks is banter, I believe he has zero awareness of the level of professional language he will need to adhere to).

Edited to add: and by adhered to, that’s both in and outside the office. He might well want to do a clean up of his social media accounts, especially any that reference his job.