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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To leave DH if he loses his second job in three years?

795 replies

Joness2 · 11/08/2025 20:22

My DH got dismissed (walked before he was pushed) from his previous job 3 years ago. It was set to go to hearing but his Union representative advised him he was likely to be dismissed so he resigned in order to not have to declare a dismissal when applying for future roles.

I was furious, I was in the early stages of pregnancy and could not believe he would be so stupid. It was a very worrying time for a while with finances etc.

He found a new job about 2 months before our child was born so had minimal paternity leave (he would have had 4 weeks had he not left his job). It caused a lot of resentment and I struggled to get over it.

He has remained in that job without issue until now. He told me after work today that he has been informed of disciplinary action due to inappropriate comments towards (female) colleagues on a night out. This is the exact reason he had to leave his job before. He promised me then he would not go on nights out with work again, something he has mainly stuck to only waning if it’s something where there isn’t drink involved.

This time, he is convinced that he will get a warning and is not at risk of dismissal. This is his opinion rather than factual.

I am so bloody angry with him doing this again and told him that if he loses his job, we are over. Infact, I’m considering leaving regardless having been told the vile comments.

He says I should be supporting him and that we are a team and to threaten to leave is making it ‘about me’.

Do you think I should try to support him through this and how to handle any hearing or would you leave him to clean up his own mess?

OP posts:
Jeschara · 15/08/2025 10:51

"More or less - he seems convinced the union are adamant he won’t get dismissed and they’ve helped him with how to play it"
This says it all. I bet you will find some of the union are misogynistic pigs as well. How to play it indeed.
This filthy animal deserves the sack. Its not the first time and he has form. Yuk.

thepariscrimefiles · 15/08/2025 10:57

Frostywinterwoods · 14/08/2025 21:07

FFS ,a marriage is for life, through better or worse. Today's generation, all hard done by and spoilt. Grow up!

So OP just accepts (without complaint) that her OP is sexually harrassing women at work which has previously led to him resigning before he was dismissed and which will probably happen again?

Do you think that 'for better or worse' means staying married no matter how badly he has behaved? Even if he is violent? Even if he abuses their children?

Thank goodness that hideous and regressive views like yours mostly went out with the Ark.

thepariscrimefiles · 15/08/2025 11:06

ThatBlackCat · 15/08/2025 00:06

If it was misconduct he'd be dismissed then and there on the spot. They don't let it drag on for days, let alone weeks, let alone months. So it's obvious he won't lose his job. He would have lost it in May if he was going to. However, despite the fact he clearly won't lose his job I still would not stay with him because you KNOW it will happen again. And you know that this is who he is, he's a sexual predator and sees absolutely nothing wrong with what he has done.

Do you want to live the rest of your life with that type of maggot?

Even if what he has done meets the criteria for dismissal, there would need to be an investigation to get statements from the women he has harassed and statements from witnesses to corroborate their accounts of his behaviour.

I would view instant dismissal applying for behaviour such physical violence in the workplace in front of lots of witnesses.

Diddlyumptious · 15/08/2025 12:34

I've no advice otger than you are amazingly strong and whatever you do you will be OK 🙏

Joness2 · 15/08/2025 13:10

He has text to say he has been given a final written warning and it was never in doubt that he’d get fired but he’s sorry for worrying me.

He then followed up 5 minutes later with - ‘I need a drink after all of this 😂Takeaway and a shag later?’

Furious.

OP posts:
OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 15/08/2025 13:12

Wow ! he is very very very lucky ! doesn't deserve it.

still at least this gives you time to get your ducks in a row...

GrannyGoggles · 15/08/2025 13:13

Words fail me

What an idiot.

How long before he is fired? Before the year end would be my bet

PoshDuckQuarkQuark · 15/08/2025 13:14

Joness2 · 15/08/2025 13:10

He has text to say he has been given a final written warning and it was never in doubt that he’d get fired but he’s sorry for worrying me.

He then followed up 5 minutes later with - ‘I need a drink after all of this 😂Takeaway and a shag later?’

Furious.

Wtaf?!?!

He thinks this is funny???

I'd reply "I can't believe you find this funny. I find the way you speak about other women absolutely repulsive, snd even worse that you don't even feel bad about it and see it as a joke. I don't think ypu should be drinking alcohol ever again and until you apologise for your misogynistic behaviour there will be absolutely no sex"

Daisyvodka · 15/08/2025 13:16

Joness2 · 15/08/2025 13:10

He has text to say he has been given a final written warning and it was never in doubt that he’d get fired but he’s sorry for worrying me.

He then followed up 5 minutes later with - ‘I need a drink after all of this 😂Takeaway and a shag later?’

Furious.

What did you respond?

Joness2 · 15/08/2025 13:16

Daisyvodka · 15/08/2025 13:16

What did you respond?

I’ve ignored him so far. The best response for the time being

OP posts:
MounjaroMounjaro · 15/08/2025 13:17

Oh my god. He thinks he deserves a reward now.

Allisnotlost1 · 15/08/2025 13:20

Wow. If I was any of the people who’d made the complaint or been the subject of his comments I would not be happy, and I would look at my options. This may not be over for him.

But for you OP, this should be a watershed. Get the fuck out as soon as you can. This isn’t going to improve. You’ll end up hating him eventually and leaving anyway.

ETA just saw your response that you’d ignored him so far. If I was you I’d make plans for a weekend away somewhere immediately - go to a friends or family, doesn’t have to even be far but don’t tell him where. Maybe he’ll figure out in your absence that this might not be the win he thinks.

Scarylett · 15/08/2025 13:24

More fool you if you stay with such a revolting man. He won't change.

Someone2025 · 15/08/2025 13:25

Joness2 · 15/08/2025 13:16

I’ve ignored him so far. The best response for the time being

Don’t give him sex tonight, he shouldn’t be rewarded for this, it’s not as if he was found innocent in a trial and now deserves to celebrate……he admitted he did it and at this stage has a habit of behaving this way

BeltaLodaLife · 15/08/2025 13:26

It sort of sounds like he thinks you’re still on his side? And your relationship is fine. Have you not told him you’re planning to leave?

Or wait, are you actually planning to stay with him? Yuck. Your poor kids.

ThatCyanCat · 15/08/2025 13:27

Joness2 · 15/08/2025 13:10

He has text to say he has been given a final written warning and it was never in doubt that he’d get fired but he’s sorry for worrying me.

He then followed up 5 minutes later with - ‘I need a drink after all of this 😂Takeaway and a shag later?’

Furious.

It seems his partner gets the same seduction techniques as the women he harasses.

Wooky073 · 15/08/2025 13:27

Joness2 · 15/08/2025 13:10

He has text to say he has been given a final written warning and it was never in doubt that he’d get fired but he’s sorry for worrying me.

He then followed up 5 minutes later with - ‘I need a drink after all of this 😂Takeaway and a shag later?’

Furious.

OMG he sounds like a Neanderthal ! He needs to understand everything is not fine because he got a written warning rather than being fired for sexual harrassment of femaile colleagues. It shows how bad things are when he considers that a win and considers that the both of you would be celebrating. There should be no celebrations !

5128gap · 15/08/2025 13:30

So the can has been kicked down the road and his inevitable dismissal delayed. He will be watched like a hawk now by the people who stepped up to disclose this and who will no doubt feel shocked and disappointed at his continued presence. One wrong word and he'll be out. Meanwhile the justifiably upset colleagues will no doubt make sure his reputation goes before him. If he'd showed even the slightest indication of remorse and learning, you may have stood a tiny chance. As it is, I think you should dissociate from him as soon as you can.

outerspacepotato · 15/08/2025 13:31

The last thing this asshole needs is a drink.

If I was a coworker, I'd be looking for a new job and make it clear why I was leaving in an exit interview

If I was his wife, I'd be filing for divorce. He's a 🐖. And that's an insult to pigs.

harriethoyle · 15/08/2025 13:36

Joness2 · 15/08/2025 13:10

He has text to say he has been given a final written warning and it was never in doubt that he’d get fired but he’s sorry for worrying me.

He then followed up 5 minutes later with - ‘I need a drink after all of this 😂Takeaway and a shag later?’

Furious.

God @Joness2 how awful. He either doesn’t give a shit or he’s oblivious to how abhorrent his behaviour is. At least you have some financial breathing space to get your ducks in a row…

Babyboomtastic · 15/08/2025 13:42

I'd be tempted to text back something like:

Well you kept your job but you've lost your wife. At least you'll do be able to pay child maintenance.

Ellie56 · 15/08/2025 13:44

I'd be even more furious if I was one of those women who had been subject to his vile behaviour. Angry

LillyPJ · 15/08/2025 13:47

I'm appalled at the outcome and angry on behalf of his work colleagues. He doesn't deserve the job and I hope OP makes plans to LTB. It doesn't sound like he's going to change.

gingercat02 · 15/08/2025 13:49

Joness2 · 15/08/2025 13:16

I’ve ignored him so far. The best response for the time being

I would be asking him to stay elsewhere for the weekend

DodoTired · 15/08/2025 13:50

Yeah he clearly learned absolutely nothing so it’s bound to happen again, this time resulting in a dismissal and then rinse and repeat at a new job

not someone to rely on