To leave DH if he loses his second job in three years?

[Joness2]

My DH got dismissed (walked before he was pushed) from his previous job 3 years ago. It was set to go to hearing but his Union representative advised him he was likely to be dismissed so he resigned in order to not have to declare a dismissal when applying for future roles.

I was furious, I was in the early stages of pregnancy and could not believe he would be so stupid. It was a very worrying time for a while with finances etc.

He found a new job about 2 months before our child was born so had minimal paternity leave (he would have had 4 weeks had he not left his job). It caused a lot of resentment and I struggled to get over it.

He has remained in that job without issue until now. He told me after work today that he has been informed of disciplinary action due to inappropriate comments towards (female) colleagues on a night out. This is the exact reason he had to leave his job before. He promised me then he would not go on nights out with work again, something he has mainly stuck to only waning if it’s something where there isn’t drink involved.

This time, he is convinced that he will get a warning and is not at risk of dismissal. This is his opinion rather than factual.

I am so bloody angry with him doing this again and told him that if he loses his job, we are over. Infact, I’m considering leaving regardless having been told the vile comments.

He says I should be supporting him and that we are a team and to threaten to leave is making it ‘about me’.

Do you think I should try to support him through this and how to handle any hearing or would you leave him to clean up his own mess?

Yes he has. His role is hybrid so there have been days I’ve overheard him on calls.

I don’t know why it has taken this long, I don’t know when it was reported - in the immediate aftermath or a short while later. The hearing was moved due to the Union rep accompanying him being off sick for two weeks.

I'm not the younger generation, if this was my daughter I would not want her to stay with this man. No-one should have to live with a creep.like this.

Not any more

Really?! That's your summary? Is this a man speaking?

FFS stop making excuses for this poor excuse of a human being.

Grow up!!!

If you want to draw on traditional marriage vows, her DH is supposed to love and honour OP. He’s already broken his vows in the eyes of the church don’t you think?! 🙄

Let us know how tomorrow goes OP?

I can't believe everything I've read here. Im
so sorry OP. In summary YANBU just leave the sorry excuse for a husband. It's imperative women feel safe in the workplace. He's a predator.

I'm not completely convinced he's telling the truth about what the union is saying. Let's face it, he's already demonstrated how much of a sleazy, lying scumbag he is.

Why is he even confusing work with the pub? Very different standards of behaviours - and homophobia and sexism wouldn't be tolerated at the pubs I go to, either.

Where's the laugh react when you need it? 😂

Oh what utter nonsense, @Frostywinterwoods. I am 60, so hardly one of today’s generation, and I can see that @Joness2‘s dh is a reprehensible individual, who sexually harasses women at work. What I cannot see is why anyone would want to attempt to coerce a woman into remaining in a marriage with such a man - a man who clearly has zero respect for his marriage vows.

Ignore @Frostywinterwoods
They’re on a windup. Posting ridiculous things on a few threads going totally against the tide, just for a laugh I think as they’re totally nonsensical.

Come on now! OP is dealing with a series of shocks here - she doesnt need more pressure from a bunch of randoms on MN. I am sure she will want to sort out what she can bear to do as time goes on. But at the moment, she will be reeling and finding lie after lie after lie. Its just not that easy to kick someone out overnight, especially if you have children. Lighten up on her.

There are increasing amounts of that on MN = best to just ignore as you say.

Somebody clearly hasn't read the entire thread. Marriage IS supposed to be a lifelong commitment but she honestly doesn't have to feel obliged to support her husband's vile disgusting behaviour by sticking by him. He's getting himself a questionable reputation that could also affect his family. Why should she have to possibly put up with the backlash of his actions?

I agree that this type of thing was accepted as male banter in many workplaces in the 80;s and 90's and even 00's..... but thats because of toxic unchecked masculinity. Yes a lot went unreported - but it shouldnt have been accepted as it is sexual harrassment and bullying. I was sexually harassed by an older male colleague in a professional workplace when I was in my early 20's. I didnt say anything as he was in a more senior position and I feared consequences and that I wouldnt be believed. I used my own strategies to avoid him. Then he did it to the bosses daughter and I fessed up that he had also done it to me. With both our testimonies he was fired and police informed. But this type of thing still goes on today, because there is still toxic male masculinity around and the likes of Tate and INCELS egging things on. I am pleased that the workplace are acting on it re the OP's husbands consequences. I personally wouldnt want to be married to someone who held such views. But if he got help it may be salvageable as a marriage.

Apart from his inability to behave respectfully to work colleagues, what is he like as a person, husband, father? Would you say he's the same person you met & married? Has he shown any signs of 'whatever it is' during your relationship - has he changed since you became pregnant & had your child? You may have asked yourself these questions - I did endlessly but it's only when you realise for yourself that in the cold light of day that something has to change and it will be down to you. He's quite happy playing jack the lad but when is he going to grow up - he's not making you happy behaving as he is x

If it was misconduct he'd be dismissed then and there on the spot. They don't let it drag on for days, let alone weeks, let alone months. So it's obvious he won't lose his job. He would have lost it in May if he was going to. However, despite the fact he clearly won't lose his job I still would not stay with him because you KNOW it will happen again. And you know that this is who he is, he's a sexual predator and sees absolutely nothing wrong with what he has done.

Do you want to live the rest of your life with that type of maggot?

Not necessarily, there’s still a disciplinary process to go through. That can take time especially if meeting times also have to be co-ordinated with union reps.

I hope you have found a divorce lawyer OP. Sounds like he should be dismissed for gross misconduct.

and you should fire him for being a disgusting sleazeball

I feel like she needs a metaphorical shake because she's obviously in shock, but the sooner she starts making a plan, the easier things will be for her. I'm not saying leave straight away (though I like to think I would in that situation), but she's posted for the opinion of 'a bunch of randoms on MN', and that's what she's getting.

Everyone's on her side, so I don't think we need to 'lighten up'.

I don’t think she needs a “metaphorical shake”. I think she needs our compassion and support.

A lot of information has been withheld from her by her husband. He is minimising frankly disgusting behaviour and though the disciplinary hearing is today, he may not hear the outcome for a week. That outcome could be dismissal without notice. How will she pay the bills if he loses his job and they have no money? She has young children. Her view of her husband, her family, her home and her future has been fundamentally changed.

This takes time to process and decide about next steps. She also doesn’t owe us information about what she’s going to do or whether she is making a plan. She needs to decide for herself in the way that works for her.

What worries me more is that he doesn’t get dismissed, because he won’t change and the OP could well end up anxious waiting for it to happen again. This isn’t just twice in one job, this is at least twice in two jobs. He even left before he was dismissed from the first job and that still didn’t affect his behaviour. This is who he is.

Not everyone can LTB immediately for many reasons, including taking time to realise that he should be left.

Let us be supportive as her life changes and help her rather than berate her for not acting instantly.

@FlowerUser Let us be supportive as her life changes and help her rather than berate her for not acting instantly.

We obviously see things differently, because I don't think I've berated her, I think I've been supportive 🤷🏼‍♀️