To leave DH if he loses his second job in three years?

[Joness2]

My DH got dismissed (walked before he was pushed) from his previous job 3 years ago. It was set to go to hearing but his Union representative advised him he was likely to be dismissed so he resigned in order to not have to declare a dismissal when applying for future roles.

I was furious, I was in the early stages of pregnancy and could not believe he would be so stupid. It was a very worrying time for a while with finances etc.

He found a new job about 2 months before our child was born so had minimal paternity leave (he would have had 4 weeks had he not left his job). It caused a lot of resentment and I struggled to get over it.

He has remained in that job without issue until now. He told me after work today that he has been informed of disciplinary action due to inappropriate comments towards (female) colleagues on a night out. This is the exact reason he had to leave his job before. He promised me then he would not go on nights out with work again, something he has mainly stuck to only waning if it’s something where there isn’t drink involved.

This time, he is convinced that he will get a warning and is not at risk of dismissal. This is his opinion rather than factual.

I am so bloody angry with him doing this again and told him that if he loses his job, we are over. Infact, I’m considering leaving regardless having been told the vile comments.

He says I should be supporting him and that we are a team and to threaten to leave is making it ‘about me’.

Do you think I should try to support him through this and how to handle any hearing or would you leave him to clean up his own mess?

Does he actually see anything wrong with his attitude at all? Or with speaking about women the way he does?

How can you seriously stay with this man? My guy has his bad qualities, we all do. I have loads probably! But this…this should be a dealbreaker for every woman. Your husband is a pig.

@BeltaLodaLife and @BuckChuckets

Thank you, I was I suppose going for best case scenario.
I too think he will be straight out the door, 1 comment is bad enough
3 comments is well !!! what can I say. Pleased he is not my colleague and esp relieved he is not my husband.

The Op has my sympathies.

I expect she will be showing him the door whilst she sorts out what she is going to do and how to do it.

Is this just what he's told you, or have you seen evidence of his union rep saying this?

I have no evidence as he just relayed a meeting they had over teams.

OMG OP.. you are in a predicament here, not that you don’t already know that!! The impact of this will be far reaching, on your own life and that of your DC.. plan an exit and start today… it’s grim reading indeed

'He has the Union supporting him again and tells me they’ve advised to expect a warning. Their main concern is about the comment about the other manager as it referred to her sexuality. He says the fact the third comment was not made to the colleague herself lessens the severity.'

supporting ? or advising ? big difference.

and as you are not present at those meetings you only have his word for what he is telling you...

Forget about being dismissed for a second.
is this who you want to be associated with? Is this who you think deserves to spend your precious life with?
If you printed this hearing pack and sent it to your family and friends, are you proud to be married to that?

he is such a disgrace and disgusting man. It’s men like these who we advise our daughters against. I hope you consider leaving him. He has humiliated you over and over.

This isnt a drink issue. This isnt a comment someone misunderstood. The filth is quoted. He doesnt feel shame or concern, its deflection and dismissal at every turn.

This isnt an off the cuff comment, he repeatedly made disgusting, sexual comments to his coworkers. Different coworkers. Different levels of sexually inappropriate and harassing remarks.

I do decision manager work for my employer. One comment would be potential misconduct. Id have enough comments here to consider an investigation into gross misconduct. Id have enough comments speculating on the sex life of a lesbain coworker to even consider harassment.

You've mentioned what hes done, but if hes admitting it at work id consider any mitigation he had. And him saying im a pig with alcohol wouldnt cut it.

If i was looking at that pack he'd be lucky to keep his job.

Its up to you, but honestly he is showing you who he is. Don't look away and understand who that is while you decide what to do. Im so sorry OP you dont deserve this and neither did his coworkers

I'm concerned you are only bothered about the work side of things, rather than the disgusting human being he is.

You are giving the impression that you will breathe a sigh of relief and carry on as normal if he doesn't get the sack.

I know 'LTB' isn't always easy, but he is obviously a complete idiot with some nasty viewpoints.

The very least I would be contemplating is checking out of the marriage and leading separate lives until you can leave.

This is horrendous! This is the man you married, and he doesn't even appear to actually be sorry.
I wouldn't leave him because of him losing this job, I would kick him out for his DISGUSTING behaviour 😤

I wouldn’t want to stay married to such a vile specimen regardless of whether or not he keeps his job.

Glad you got to read it yourself. Your partner sounds oversexed/sexualising imo. It's for you to make your own opinion however are you comfortable with him being around younger women in your family or when your child may being home female friends (I'm not saying children but when they are young adults)? Not only is he not telling you the truth past and present (red flags) but must know it was wrong so minimising it when he told you.

In my experience of unions, yes they can be super helpful, some reps are brilliant, some not so much. They will really advocate for their members but they aren’t miracle workers.

Many times I’ve seen situations where a colleague comes into a meeting saying you can’t do this or you have to give me that, because that’s what the union rep has told them, but often it is because the rep passionately believes that what they want the colleague to get is the right and just thing but in reality it doesn’t always mean it can be given.

They’re probably trying to give him the best case scenario but honestly, the comment that was said to a male colleague, it is still discriminatory, it might be indirect, but I really think the union are being naive if they think a hearing manager might feel it is less severe because it wasn’t said directly to the colleague herself.

Yes there is a chance he may not get dismissed but it is a slim one. And he’s not only going to have to apologise, he also needs to demonstrate to the panel that he understands his behaviour is wrong, has thought about the impact it has had on his female colleagues and give them something to show them be will try and learn from his mistake.

The way is is going on about it to you shows he doesn’t seem to realise the gravity of this situation and the impact it has had on others and is having on you

Christ, if I worked for a company that had this information and did not do a gross misconduct dismissal, I would want to be finding another job.

I'd honestly be more bothered about his attitude in general than actually losing a second job over it. He's an absolute sex pest and it's honestly disgusting. He should rightly so be sacked over it. All fine and well his union supporting him but it only takes his employers to look into his track record from his last job where if he didn't resign he'd have been sacked off for the same behaviour. His old employers are well within their rights to disclose any behaviours that led to him going under disciplinary procedures. They will see a pattern. Nowhere decent will employ him with this behaviour on his employment records. He is sexually harassing female colleagues what's to say he isn't harassing people out of his working environment he could end up with legal proceedings if someone were to report him. You and your kids deserve better than him and his vile behaviour. He's clearly not learnt from it and he doesn't even seem to see that he has been bang out of order

You are always going to worry what this man will say next.

If I were those women, I’d be pushing him to be sacked. These aren’t harmless jokes- he’s sexually harassing these poor women.

Out of curiosity is he generally a good man aside from these comments or do you have multiple issues with him aside from this?

Were you not aware of the type of man he was before all these work related issues were conveyed to you?

OP, that he hasn't apologised to you and doesn't even have the sense to be hiding under a table (metaphorically speaking) in shame and showing any remorse says to me that this is who he is. In vino veritas. The alcohol (if that is really his excuse, I have my doubts, he probably just blames it on the drink but it's the real him) just reveals the real him. I could not stay with him because this is the real him, and you know it. He's a sexual harasser and a predator. And he shows no remorse at all. No apology and no remorse to me is the kicker and the deal breaker.

Well said @ThatBlackCat 🐈‍⬛️👏

It wasn’t made to her directly but reported by another man

So male coworkers are so repulsed by his comments they are reporting him. He must be a really offensive person to share a workplace with, because from my own experience not many men would report that, they would mostly ignore it.

You'll never have stability or peace of mind with this man, he won't change because he doesn't even think it's wrong and who knows what else he's done/might be capable of doing that hasn't been revealed?

Just read your explanation of his behaviour.

I worked in a male dominated industry in the unregenerate seventies and eighties , plenty of ‘inappropriate‘ behaviour and office ‘romances’ including adultery. I never heard any man say anything like these comments either to or about a woman.

wow.

Your husband is a repeat offender.

I’d never be able to get past this.

Is he mentally well? Why isn’t he able to control himself? Why does he target women?

I couldn’t stay married to someone who is proving themselves to be a sex offender.

I would say is it a small company with no HR but it doesnt sound like it - i dont know any industry where this wouldn't be immediate gross dismissal.

When is the disciplinary?