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Original poster

To leave DH if he loses his second job in three years?

795 replies

Joness2 · 11/08/2025 20:22

My DH got dismissed (walked before he was pushed) from his previous job 3 years ago. It was set to go to hearing but his Union representative advised him he was likely to be dismissed so he resigned in order to not have to declare a dismissal when applying for future roles.

I was furious, I was in the early stages of pregnancy and could not believe he would be so stupid. It was a very worrying time for a while with finances etc.

He found a new job about 2 months before our child was born so had minimal paternity leave (he would have had 4 weeks had he not left his job). It caused a lot of resentment and I struggled to get over it.

He has remained in that job without issue until now. He told me after work today that he has been informed of disciplinary action due to inappropriate comments towards (female) colleagues on a night out. This is the exact reason he had to leave his job before. He promised me then he would not go on nights out with work again, something he has mainly stuck to only waning if it’s something where there isn’t drink involved.

This time, he is convinced that he will get a warning and is not at risk of dismissal. This is his opinion rather than factual.

I am so bloody angry with him doing this again and told him that if he loses his job, we are over. Infact, I’m considering leaving regardless having been told the vile comments.

He says I should be supporting him and that we are a team and to threaten to leave is making it ‘about me’.

Do you think I should try to support him through this and how to handle any hearing or would you leave him to clean up his own mess?

OP posts:
JHound · 14/08/2025 15:05

Of course he was lying.
For it to get to this point there is clearly an established pattern of behaviour.

And for a MAN to also report him….yikes.,

Isthisit22 · 14/08/2025 15:18

How can you even stand to be in the same house as this creep? He’s making my skin crawl through the internet

CrotchetyQuaver · 14/08/2025 15:24

Honestly I think he'll be sacked (again) for this. Those comments for the hearing make grim reading, it seems another male colleague is sickened enough by his comments to report them. Those remarks would have been considered way out of line back in the 1980's.

I would leave him regardless, your husband is up there with Gregg Wallace in the disgusting pig stakes. i can't believe for a moment that he won't put you through this again and again.

user1471538283 · 14/08/2025 15:32

I think he will be sacked. I'm not sure about a reference either if it's gross misconduct?

This worries me because he doesn't seem bothered. He thinks he will get a warning, he will stop drinking and all will be okay. He's not horrified by his own behaviour because he's got form and kind of got away with it before

I couldn't look at him. How dare he objectify women like this.

Cosyblankets · 14/08/2025 15:42

Joness2 · 14/08/2025 13:44

He has the Union supporting him again and tells me they’ve advised to expect a warning. Their main concern is about the comment about the other manager as it referred to her sexuality. He says the fact the third comment was not made to the colleague herself lessens the severity.

Show quote history

But i think the fact that someone else reported it is worse because another man can see how vile it is

wizzywig · 14/08/2025 15:44

Imagine whay he says about you, female friends.

LillyPJ · 14/08/2025 15:46

Joness2 · 14/08/2025 13:28

Apologies for the lack of updates.

I sensed my H was hiding something as he was reluctant to share the hearing pack with me. Eventually I was able to look at it and it’s grim reading and not entirely as he told me.

It has comments in quotation marks, there’s something about saying to a colleague that suffocating under her bum wouldn’t be a bad way to ‘go’ if he had to choose. The manager he said is strict is lesbian and there was a comment about her owning a lot of strap on toys to choose from to punish him.

There is one other comment that he didn’t touch upon at all with me originally which is about a third colleague and he basically says something about her dressing for their office as if she’s gagging for it. It wasn’t made to her directly but reported by another man.

He has now turned from ‘it’ll be a slap on the wrist’ to ‘maybe a verbal warning, but nothing more’.

I am disgusted by what I read, I’ve gone ballistic at him and he just keeps saying he won’t drink at work events any more, he hasn’t actually apologised to me!

His behaviour and attitude is appalling. An apology to you and a promise not to drink again does not alter anything. He deserves to lose his job and I hope you see sense and kick him out. I'd be ashamed to be associated with someone like that.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 14/08/2025 15:49

@Joness2 - do you have sons? If so, do you want them to grow up influenced by this man and his disgusting attitudes towards women? Or do you have daughters - and if so, what action would you want taken against a male colleague who made similar comments to your daughter?

I could not stay with or support a man who had made comments like this. He deserves to be fired.

thinkfast · 14/08/2025 15:49

I also think he will be dismissed for this. It would be disgusting for an employer to retain an employee with this kind of record for making inappropriate sexual remarks about female colleagues.

heldinadream · 14/08/2025 15:52

Jeez why aren't you just making the plans to leave?
A. He's a vile misogynist.
B. He's toast.
What more do you need exactly @Joness2?

BCBird · 14/08/2025 15:54

No one should have to.hear such vile comments

GrannyGoggles · 14/08/2025 16:06

Your posts give the impression of a man who displays, among other things:

immaturity,
misogyny,
sexual predation/entitlement,
homophobic tendencies,
reckless drinking,
irresponsibility,
inability to acknowledge his wrongdoing,
appalling misjudgment, repeatedly.

I completely understand it’s v tough to think of divorce. But how do you want the rest of your life to be? What role model do you want for your children?

He is not going to change. But his employment prospects will.

Crikeyalmighty · 14/08/2025 16:07

@GameOfJones our company MD had to fire a woman late last year for creepy harassing of a bloke! She was leaving ‘little personal notes ‘ on his desk and he got fed up with it - not bad looking woman too and he was single and fed up of it - so yep there are some odd women too and yes a duty of care ( I’m ex HR )

HAB75 · 14/08/2025 16:21

Joness2 · 14/08/2025 13:28

Apologies for the lack of updates.

I sensed my H was hiding something as he was reluctant to share the hearing pack with me. Eventually I was able to look at it and it’s grim reading and not entirely as he told me.

It has comments in quotation marks, there’s something about saying to a colleague that suffocating under her bum wouldn’t be a bad way to ‘go’ if he had to choose. The manager he said is strict is lesbian and there was a comment about her owning a lot of strap on toys to choose from to punish him.

There is one other comment that he didn’t touch upon at all with me originally which is about a third colleague and he basically says something about her dressing for their office as if she’s gagging for it. It wasn’t made to her directly but reported by another man.

He has now turned from ‘it’ll be a slap on the wrist’ to ‘maybe a verbal warning, but nothing more’.

I am disgusted by what I read, I’ve gone ballistic at him and he just keeps saying he won’t drink at work events any more, he hasn’t actually apologised to me!

If he was in my organisation, I'd sack him - gross misconduct. You'll have to hope that he is in a grubbier sector.

whitewineandsun · 14/08/2025 16:23

If he doesn't get sacked, I hope every female employee there finds another job. It sounds a disgusting work environment.

I'm sorry for you that you're married to someone who thinks this is acceptable behaviour.

GameOfJones · 14/08/2025 16:40

@Crikeyalmighty oh absolutely. I have also had to dismiss a female employee for harassment of a male colleague and it was nowhere near the level of OP's husband in terms of sexualised comments.

I also agree with a PP that it's telling that he is not wanting to hide under the duvet in shame knowing that this report is going to be read by the investigating senior managers, HR and his Union rep. Can you imagine telling your family and friends that your husband was being investigated at work for talking about a female colleague sitting on his face, saying that a manager would be a cracking shag, speculating about a lesbian colleague using strap ons and using the term "gagging for it" about a co-worker. It is so unbelievably disgusting.

I could not stay married to a man like this. I wouldn't want him being any sort of influence over my children's lives either.

MrsSunshine2b · 14/08/2025 16:45

Joness2 · 14/08/2025 13:44

He has the Union supporting him again and tells me they’ve advised to expect a warning. Their main concern is about the comment about the other manager as it referred to her sexuality. He says the fact the third comment was not made to the colleague herself lessens the severity.

Show quote history

I feel sorry for you as it's not your fault, but I hope he gets fired. No-one should have to work alongside someone who has said such vile things. I'd feel really uncomfortable being in the same room after that.

Crikeyalmighty · 14/08/2025 16:46

@GameOfJones me neither - I would be leaving based on the fact he’s a total sleazy tit and I would be mortified that everyone else knows this too - and he clearly hasn’t learnt a lesson either - I feel for OP as I suspect she isn’t a great place practically or financially to just say - FO , right now !!

LillyPJ · 14/08/2025 17:08

Crikeyalmighty · 14/08/2025 16:07

@GameOfJones our company MD had to fire a woman late last year for creepy harassing of a bloke! She was leaving ‘little personal notes ‘ on his desk and he got fed up with it - not bad looking woman too and he was single and fed up of it - so yep there are some odd women too and yes a duty of care ( I’m ex HR )

Why mention that she was 'not bad looking'? It's completely irrelevant.

Original poster
Joness2 · 14/08/2025 17:22

Oh yeah, another thing he had kept from me - it transpires that the hearing is tomorrow morning! This was only revealed when I saw the documents.

He initially made out he had only been told on Monday but he has known for weeks and the incident in question was back in May, it’s been playing through since then and has been moved once already.

So, I believe he told me on Monday because he spoke to the Union again that day and was sufficiently worried his job may be at risk.

What I would say though, is that I think he would quit if the union advised of the outcome being dismissal as he did that last time and is very aware of the implications of having to disclose he was sacked.

OP posts:
Tofudinosaur · 14/08/2025 17:30

Op you are still focussing on wrong thing. This isn’t about whether he quits before he’s sacked or the outcome of this hearing - this is about the fact is he a creepy weirdo that keeps making inappropriate comments to women that are so bad he puts jobs at risks! Add to that he lied to you and minimises it.
Op focus on why you are still with him and if you really want this pathetic excuse of a man weighing you down in life!

whitewineandsun · 14/08/2025 17:32

What I would say though, is that I think he would quit if the union advised of the outcome being dismissal as he did that last time and is very aware of the implications of having to disclose he was sacked.

This just shows how calculating he is. Creepy and calculating. Charming combination... or something.

Good luck, OP.

GrannyGoggles · 14/08/2025 17:33

Oh Lord Joness2 add lying and wilful stupidity to my list. He’s kept this from you for 3 months.

What an absolute idiot!

You deserve a great deal better

MrsSunshine2b · 14/08/2025 17:36

Joness2 · 14/08/2025 17:22

Oh yeah, another thing he had kept from me - it transpires that the hearing is tomorrow morning! This was only revealed when I saw the documents.

He initially made out he had only been told on Monday but he has known for weeks and the incident in question was back in May, it’s been playing through since then and has been moved once already.

So, I believe he told me on Monday because he spoke to the Union again that day and was sufficiently worried his job may be at risk.

What I would say though, is that I think he would quit if the union advised of the outcome being dismissal as he did that last time and is very aware of the implications of having to disclose he was sacked.

He doesn't think he's done anything wrong, clearly. Doesn't care he's humiliated and upset the women around him or potentially made them feel unsafe. He's got no insight into his disgusting behaviour and no empathy.

Someone2025 · 14/08/2025 17:43

Tofudinosaur · 14/08/2025 17:30

Op you are still focussing on wrong thing. This isn’t about whether he quits before he’s sacked or the outcome of this hearing - this is about the fact is he a creepy weirdo that keeps making inappropriate comments to women that are so bad he puts jobs at risks! Add to that he lied to you and minimises it.
Op focus on why you are still with him and if you really want this pathetic excuse of a man weighing you down in life!

Agree, whether he is sacked or not doesn’t mean anything, it doesn’t change his character and the fact he did it

It seems the OP thinks that if he isn’t sacked then he must be innocent, he has already admitted he did it so keeping his job means nothing