To leave DH if he loses his second job in three years?

[Joness2]

My DH got dismissed (walked before he was pushed) from his previous job 3 years ago. It was set to go to hearing but his Union representative advised him he was likely to be dismissed so he resigned in order to not have to declare a dismissal when applying for future roles.

I was furious, I was in the early stages of pregnancy and could not believe he would be so stupid. It was a very worrying time for a while with finances etc.

He found a new job about 2 months before our child was born so had minimal paternity leave (he would have had 4 weeks had he not left his job). It caused a lot of resentment and I struggled to get over it.

He has remained in that job without issue until now. He told me after work today that he has been informed of disciplinary action due to inappropriate comments towards (female) colleagues on a night out. This is the exact reason he had to leave his job before. He promised me then he would not go on nights out with work again, something he has mainly stuck to only waning if it’s something where there isn’t drink involved.

This time, he is convinced that he will get a warning and is not at risk of dismissal. This is his opinion rather than factual.

I am so bloody angry with him doing this again and told him that if he loses his job, we are over. Infact, I’m considering leaving regardless having been told the vile comments.

He says I should be supporting him and that we are a team and to threaten to leave is making it ‘about me’.

Do you think I should try to support him through this and how to handle any hearing or would you leave him to clean up his own mess?

Nonsense. They didn't report it because they knew nothing would be done about it, and it's not "banter." It's sexual harassment. Did you read her posts where she quotes the vile things he actually said?
Amazing that anyone still dismisses this in 2025. Time moves on and things change. Get used to it.

This ☝️

The fact that after he told OP what he actually said he still felt it was a 'slap on the wrist' situation is astonishing, as are the people who write this off as banter. It would be gross misconduct where I work. He really does feel this is ok on some level, doesnt he.

OP, I hope you are doing ok.

I thought they were a bloke!

I don’t think it’s an issue having had 2 jobs in 3 years and being dismissed if the culture at the company was toxic. However the issue in my opinion is that it’s because of what he’s saying to females on work socials! Best to avoid the work socials!

Couldn't stay with a man like this. You will have a horrible life if you do, I would think.

Perhaps even better not to be a disgusting misogynist who makes sexualized comments at work?

Who knows. I would expect that some of the anti-woman posters on here are men. I assume a poster is female unless I'm told otherwise or the person has a male sounding name. It makes things simpler.

So sorry @Joness2 x

Apologies for the lack of updates.

I sensed my H was hiding something as he was reluctant to share the hearing pack with me. Eventually I was able to look at it and it’s grim reading and not entirely as he told me.

It has comments in quotation marks, there’s something about saying to a colleague that suffocating under her bum wouldn’t be a bad way to ‘go’ if he had to choose. The manager he said is strict is lesbian and there was a comment about her owning a lot of strap on toys to choose from to punish him.

There is one other comment that he didn’t touch upon at all with me originally which is about a third colleague and he basically says something about her dressing for their office as if she’s gagging for it. It wasn’t made to her directly but reported by another man.

He has now turned from ‘it’ll be a slap on the wrist’ to ‘maybe a verbal warning, but nothing more’.

I am disgusted by what I read, I’ve gone ballistic at him and he just keeps saying he won’t drink at work events any more, he hasn’t actually apologised to me!

I'm so sorry @Joness2. What a grimly unpleasant side to his personality.

Do you have an idea of how you want to move forward with this?

He's foul and you deserve better! Clearly he not only has an issue with drink, but he's also a misogynistic pig! I hope he gets sacked!

I am so sorry, OP. I work in the NHS and certainly in my department he would be gone immediately with disgusting comments like that.

This can’t be a surprise to you. He’s said all that sort of stuff before and lost a job. You know who he is, you know what he thinks of women. I hope he never has any daughters.

You know he is a sexist prick, and a bit of a predator by the sounds of it. He isn’t even hiding it.

I assume you’re getting yourself sorted to leave? You can’t possibly actually choose this man to spend your life with when you know exactly who he is.

How does it make you feel now you know exactly how much he hates women? Must be pretty scary.

Sorry OP that this is happening

I very much think he is likely to be dismissed for gross misconduct. The fact that multiple witnesses have said he has made derogatory sexual comments means it is highly likely that they will determine that on the balance of probability he has said these things. It is absolutely not acceptable in any workplace. The nature of the comments falls under bullying and harassment and is discriminatory and with the new sexual harassment legislation that has come out, I think he is deluded if he thinks he will walk away with his job and a final warning. If he does he would be extremely lucky

His current employer don’t know about the previous dismissal but you do and you know he has done similar in the past. He doesn’t sound like he has any respect for women and the fact he isn’t profusely apologising to you shows he doesn’t have any respect for you

You can absolutely do better and deserve better. What a knob head he is

The problem I see is, what if they treat each comment as a separate ' offence ' ?thus he could end up with 1 verbal warning, 2 written warning and that could in total mean dismissal.

They don’t even need to bother doing the paperwork for all that trail. It’s gross misconduct right away. He’s gone without them needing to make all different reasons.

They don't even need to do that - it's absolutely gross misconduct so immediate dismissal.

He needs to be lining up his cardboard boxes now.

from your first post

'He promised me then he would not go on nights out with work again, something he has mainly stuck to only waning if it’s something where there isn’t drink involved.'

from your most recent post
'he just keeps saying he won’t drink at work events any more,'

so he broke his promise to you

does he have an alcohol problem

or is alcohol just an excuse for the vile that comes out of his mouth

He is a disgusting misogynistic pig.

Was it all on one drunk evening or were these comments made on different occasions? Feels like that is relevant. If the former there’s maybe a slim chance he’ll get away with a warning, as maybe he can claim just a terrible, “out of character” drunken mess up. If these are comments covering multiple occasions I don’t see how they can possibly keep him on tbh.

He has the Union supporting him again and tells me they’ve advised to expect a warning. Their main concern is about the comment about the other manager as it referred to her sexuality. He says the fact the third comment was not made to the colleague herself lessens the severity.

I would be amazed if he isn't dismissed for gross misconduct to be honest. If he denies it and it is his word against the others then you don't have to prove beyond all reasonable doubt whether he said it or not.....as a PP said it's about balance of probability and since multiple people have reported his comments then I think that's quite clear.

As I said before, he'd be out of the door in my company. We don't want sexist pigs in the workplace but more than that, since October last year companies have a duty to protect their employees from sexual harassment and to prevent it from occurring. His workplace HR team will be aware of this and it's an area they have to tread very carefully as employers can be liable for fines if they don't comply with the legislation. From what you've described it's an easy decision from my POV......they have a clear case for dismissing him for gross misconduct and minimising any further risk.

He hasn't apologised OP because he doesn't think he's done anything wrong. This is who he is.

@Joness2 thing is OP , it’s not just the losing jobs and putting your lives at risk - do you want to be with someone who thinks disgusting sexual banter after having a few is a ‘bit of a laugh’ -because if that’s his personality it really is very unlikely to change .