To leave DH if he loses his second job in three years?

[Joness2]

My DH got dismissed (walked before he was pushed) from his previous job 3 years ago. It was set to go to hearing but his Union representative advised him he was likely to be dismissed so he resigned in order to not have to declare a dismissal when applying for future roles.

I was furious, I was in the early stages of pregnancy and could not believe he would be so stupid. It was a very worrying time for a while with finances etc.

He found a new job about 2 months before our child was born so had minimal paternity leave (he would have had 4 weeks had he not left his job). It caused a lot of resentment and I struggled to get over it.

He has remained in that job without issue until now. He told me after work today that he has been informed of disciplinary action due to inappropriate comments towards (female) colleagues on a night out. This is the exact reason he had to leave his job before. He promised me then he would not go on nights out with work again, something he has mainly stuck to only waning if it’s something where there isn’t drink involved.

This time, he is convinced that he will get a warning and is not at risk of dismissal. This is his opinion rather than factual.

I am so bloody angry with him doing this again and told him that if he loses his job, we are over. Infact, I’m considering leaving regardless having been told the vile comments.

He says I should be supporting him and that we are a team and to threaten to leave is making it ‘about me’.

Do you think I should try to support him through this and how to handle any hearing or would you leave him to clean up his own mess?

I would leave regardless because clearly he is so inappropriate people are complaining about him and that is creepy.

Companies generally only allow either a colleague or a union rep to accompany an employee to a formal meeting.

So you want to leave him just because he is having a disciplinary action at work.. is it really that simple for you to just walk out of relationship or are you using that as an excuse? You have already declared him guilty. Last job was 3 yrs ago and you are still holding on it. Its not like he gets in trouble every week or something. I cant believe ppl who is recommending you to leave never have any disagrements with their other half.

Maybe try reading what the OP has shared about what he has actually said, then maybe you'll see why they are saying that.

you clearly are literate since you wrote a reply but it is astonishing that you could read the OP and misunderstand it so spectacularly. School - or even work (do you have a lot of "disciplinaries"?) - must be so hard for you. my sympathies.

I wouldn't support a man who's looking at losing his 2nd job in 3 years for gross misconduct towards women in his workplace and while socializing. I would have dumped him after the first incident though. Dudes like that are not safe for women to be around.

He hates women.

He's dismissive and downplaying what he did because he's wildly misogynistic. He also sounds like he's got an alcohol problem if he's saying these really foul and crude things when he's drinking.

He's in trouble and was previously on the verge of being sacked because of his behaviour towards other women. That's all that's relevant. He didn't get into trouble for complimenting someone's dress.

You need to get away from this knuckle dragging wanker.

Im really concerned by the fact you think losing his job is the main reason to even consider leaving him. He sounds like a feckless misogynist letting his mouth run however he likes without a single consequence.

He deserves consequences because without them he will continue doing this 💩.

His comments aren’t going to just get him a warning. He’s going to get sacked. He knows it. He wants you to be a team so he can get pitty and sympathy when it all blows up in his face at work. He thinks you’re a fool.

All the best, but you know you aren’t being unreasonable to leave this buffoon.

It's not about the job, it's because he is a creep around women. Could you live with that? I couldn't.

She needs to leave him because he is a knuckle dragging pervert who sexually harasses women at work. He is also terminally stupid as he lost one job due to this behaviour and thinks it's ok for him to start doing this again in his new company.

I'm so sorry OP, this must be awful for you. How dare he complain that you’re not “standing by him”??! You stand by someone who’s ill or made redundant, not someone who is a sexist pig that gets himself sacked and clearly hasn’t learned his lesson. I can’t imagine how furious and disappointed and disgusted you feel but you absolutely CAN be upset, he doesn’t get to control your reaction to his behaviour. Personally I can’t see how you’d come back from this and I certainly wouldn’t be able to. Best of luck with everything.

Maybe start to seek some legal advice about separating and also get organised so you have an exit strategy.

It's giving massive red flags 🚩🚩 that he's making inappropriate comments towards women.
I would be really concerned about that behaviour. Also surely it is hugely disrespectful to you and your relationship also! Does he think he's funny?

Crazy that he has the cheek to say that you're a team but he quits his job without consulting you/against your wishes and he goes out and drinks when he shouldn't as he knows he acts the fool.

Also sounds like gaslighting that he has the gall to say you're making it about you? You're the one concerned about finances and your family.

Sadly it sounds like currently his behaviours are hugely problematic and you have to think what's best for you and your child.
Is he a good father? Do you still have any care between you?

This 👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻

Try couples therapy if you think he's redeemable. Otherwise, why be with someone who has those attitudes and can't be trusted to do what he says?

The fact hes already had to leave 1 job because of innapropriate comments to a female is one thing. But now facing disciplinary action on another for the same thing ? Would make me wonder what hes saying to others when it isnt work related if he cant even control his mouth at work events of all places . How are you making it about you? I'd be telling him youre not making it about you, that's just gaslighting. Its about him and his inability to conduct himself in a proper manner around ' female' work colleagues. Personally I would leave. Easier said than done but trust is a big thing. Sounds like hes turning it on you when you are questioning his actions.
....and they say women trap men with babies !?!? Ultimate og form of gaslighting that was !

I think the job issues are somewhat insignificant compared to the fact he seemingly can't go out with work colleagues and drink without making inappropriate comments! That in itself is a huge red flag and sorry OP but you deserve better in my opinion.

Me personally leave. I told hubby pre marriage I have a 0 tolerance for behaviour with other peoppe that is innapropriate and we do not have friends with opposite gender. So if this came to light in my marriage I would end it.

Are you short on comprehension? Do you seriously think the italicised text that follows is "a disagreement with your other half" @Rinks80? Why are you OK with this foul behaviour? Do you tolerate misogyny, sexually inappropriate behaviour and disgusting comments to women in your partner, and if so, why?

Previous job - he made drunken comments to a senior manager. Summarised - said she isn’t good at her job and must be a cracking shag which is why her male line manager kept her on. So inappropriate. Union advised that there’d be no chance of him staying as the manager would influence the hearing.

Current job - three comments involving one colleague as well as a manager (not his own). Colleague works remotely and met team for the first time in person.
He commented (saying he was surprised) on her having a nice bum and not being able to appreciate it through a screen. ‘Joked’ about starting a gofundme for her to move nearer to the office so the men could see her more regularly.

Other manager, comment was not made directly to her but to a colleague who reported it. Basically, it was said that this manager is quite strict and pulling people up on performance. He said that he wouldn’t mind her disciplining him and suggested a sex act she could perform (basically using a toy on him)… so fucking gross

I think you are focusing on the wrong issue here!!! I don't think him losing jobs is the real deal breaker.

If he is making inappropriate comments that are worthy of discipline at work, what kind of man is he????

What else does he get up to on nights out with mates when he is drinking? What attitude does he have to women??
Do you want children being brought up by someone like this?

😂😂😂

1953 called. They want their advice back.

Amazing, isn't it. The internalized misogyny is off the charts with replies like this.

Guys like that want you to be their chaos janitors and fix the things they mess up. Good job you left him.

I am so sorry he did that to you and to other women and I'm glad you escaped. You've given very good advice. You're right that he could turn his verbal aggression to physical aggression and target the OP.