Am I exaggerating?

[iamstillfuming]

Can you please tell me whether I am exaggerating and taken things too far in this situation, because I have been told by certain people that I must let it go.

My 10 year old son went out with my cousins boyfriend yesterday, he usually comes for him and takes him out for the day.

I got a phone call from the police to tell me that they had my son, and they were going to bring him home to me. I called my cousins boyfriend straight away, my instant thought was maybe something had happened to him, because why did I just receive a phone call from the police telling me that they had my child.

He didn't pick up, when the police arrived with my son they couldn't give me much detail on what had happened except they were called to a disturbance in a house and my son was found by them hiding in a wardrobe, he only spoken to them to give them my number.

My son isn't used to loud noise (he is very sensitive to noise) neither is he ever been exposed to any violence etc.

I asked my son what had happened, he told me that my cousins boyfriend had taken him to a house, people started shouting, arguing and fighting he got scared and hid in wardrobe, he thought that my cousins boyfriend would come and get him but he didn't and the police lady come and got him out.

I called my cousin once the police had left, she said that she'd try and get him on the phone then she'd call me back. I was told by her that something had gone on forgot about my child but he sent someone back to go and look for him.

All my cousin was concerned about is whether or not my son had said anything to the police i.e given them his name, then I got a phone call from him saying he is sorry about what happened and that he will come and take my son to go get a bike tomorrow, I hung up and called my cousin

I was very disrespectful to the both of then (with my words) I have had an argument with my cousin and then I called him and did the same to him.

My son is my only child, we have tried for years to conceive again but it just won't happen so we have accepted it. I can not even tell my husband about that has happened because I don't know what he will do to my cousins boyfriend.

I have had a few phone calls from family members and close friends, saying that I have taken things too far and that my cousin and I are too close for this to ruin our relationship.

I am also worried that social services might get involved, I have worked close with social services and they could put this down to neglect.

My son seems ok now, but I feel like I failed him yesterday, like I said above he is not used to things like this.

Sorry for my bad grammar or any mistakes, I didn't proof read before pressing send.

“He obviously didn't forget your child, avoiding the police was just more important. ”

Thats a good point. Cousins boyfriend was more concerned with protecting himself, than your dc, and was worried in case his name was given to the police. If that’s not ringing alarm bells, I’m not sure what would.

No you aren't exaggerating. That is awful. Whatever it was, it must have been horrendous if the police were called and your son was obviously very scared. You aren't overreacting and if it was me, I wouldn't allow him to be with that cousin on his own again because he's just proven himself incapable of keeping a child safe.

Actually reading your further posts I really really hope SS get involved because you don’t have a clue what the heck you’re doing and your poor son needs someone in his corner.

Where did this man SAY he was taking your child and why?

Ok, Safeguarding Lead here and I think you need to be prepared for a visit from SS. The police found your son hiding in a wardrobe, scared, and brought him home. This means that they must have searched the house.

The fact that the only thing your cousin was worried about was whether your son had told the police the name of the person he went to the house with points to something illegal going on.

1. You need to talk to your son, soon, and ask what happened. In a gentle way that doesn’t place blame on him. And find out if this is the first time they’ve been to a house like that.

2.Talk to the police. They will have a record of who returned your son, and from where. They can tell you if they will be following up with anything further, which is also quite likely.

As for the rest of the family. If they continue to pile on, ask if they would be happy for their child to be so scared they hid in a wardrobe in a strange house and had to be rescued by the police. Cutting ties is the absolute least I would be doing.

Both your cousin and her partner put your son in danger. Don’t play this down with the family.

Hopefully your DH hasn’t blown a gasket.

You can't KNOW someone "is not like that". You can find it improbable, yes, but there is no way you can know. The nicest, sweetest person can be a predator. And for a man not related to your son taking him out on his own is quite unusual (not a proof of sinister intentions but I would be cautious).

What I find very concerning is what you say about your son "I also know my own child". This implies that you put some responsability on him if he has been a victim of abuse. This is not acceptable. A child is loyal and abusers know how to spin their stories and put the blame on the victims so please don't facilitate that.

I used to be a social worker and I have seen abuse in many different home environments. The hardest part is where the mother is in denial which makes it impossible for the child to tell about his experiences. If I were you I would take him to a psychologist, tell her about your concerns beforehand and let your son have a "free space" where he can talk without having you around. I get the feeling that you couldn't accept if something had happened so you have decided that is the case. Hopefully you're right. But what if you aren't?

He could also have been used for selling drugs. They often recruit youngsters who have no idea what they're doing and then reward them with expensive items. A new bike?

You owe it to your son to have an open mind!

OP, I completely echo what AnonymousCatLady3 has said above.

Did the police not ask who he was with?

Don’t keep it from your husband, he will find out anyway. Protect your son.

I hope your DH finds out what's been going on SeeingAsYouWillNot

This cousin boyfriend fled that house. He didn't give a shit about your boy, and left him to fend for himself. Thank goodness the police did find him.

She doesnt seem to be bothered. I wouldn't be surprised if she had no clue where her son was with this man . I bet she never does.
She is acting like this sort of thing happens all the time to kids. And its not traumatic or going to have lasting damage to him.
Just seems concerned that the cousins boyfriend didnt go back to the obvious drug house and get her kid.

This has to be one of the most bizarre threads I’ve read.

The police find your son in a wardrobe after being called to a property and finding him in there. Your cousins partner ‘forgot him’, yet you seem to have no interest in finding out WHY they were at the house, WHAT happened exactly to have the police attend, WHO else was around your son, WHAT made him hide in a wardrobe and WHY the partner doesn’t want his name mentioned to the police

I don’t think you’re exaggerating, I think you’re crazy to not nail down EVERY SINGLE detail of the time he was with this man.

I’m assuming others have already said that he might have used your son previously, like today, as a cover for something. Where does your son say he usually goes with him?

Do not be that parent who says ‘not my child’
and not ask questions. You need to find out what he’s seen.

Sorry OP, but having discovered sexual abuse within a family, I can straight up tell you that your DS would be EXTREMELY unlikely to tell you, if anything like that had happened to him. People who abuse children use all sorts of threats to prevent themselves being caught. This 'Uncle' may have told him that if he says anything to anyone, then he will kill you or his dad, or that he will be taken away and be forced to live in a children's home. Or that he will sell him to another man who will take him away and he'll never see you again. I don't think you realise just how devious these people can be.

You also don't seem to know where this man has been taking your DS, you just say that your DS goes with him wherever he goes, but you don't actually seem to know where that is, or who he is mixing with. As others have said, it sounds highly likely that he was in a drug house. Maybe he owes money for drugs, perhaps he even took your son with him, in the hope that his dealer wouldn't beat him up in front of a child, but a fight broke out anyway, causing the neighbour to call the police. When you think about it, it is unlikely a neighbour will have instantly decided to call the police, unless they have experienced this sort of disturbance from their neighbours before, so it certainly doesn't look good for this 'Uncle', does it?

I agree with this post - I understand that the OP is close to her cousin, but the cousin's boyfriend taking a ten-year old out for the day seems odd. What's his motive?

It would not occur to me to take my partner's cousin's child out for the day - and if I did, I would not leave the child in a cupboard/wardrobe in a stranger's place.

There's something very off going on here, and this twice-removed adult man should not be spending time with this child unsupervised ever again.

Firstly, please tell your DH. How would you feel if the situation was reversed and it was your DH deciding not to tell you about the incident? You'd be furious and view it as betrayal, right? So give your husband some credit, and tell him exactly what happened.

I work in the criminal justice field, and I am afraid that your cousins boyfriend sounds incredibly dodgy to me. Unfortunately, nice naive well brought up boys are useful targets for criminals, who buy their love and loyalty with exciting trips and lavish presents... and then ask the boys to do them just a tiny favour. Just put this package in the wardrobe, don't tell your mother, I'll pick it up on Thursday. Oh, you go past X Chicken Shop on your way to your cello lesson? Brilliant, can you drop this bag off to George in the shop? Good lad, here's some new trainers for you.

It's no slur on your son. You need to get rid of the idea that he's at fault here somehow. But you also need to understand that everything might not be perfect, your son might be desperate to tell you something, and by freaking out, you make it ten times harder for him to confide in you.

Good, it sounds like that's exactly what's needed.

How dare you not tell him about something so serious? What are you going to do when your son lets it slip?

How old is the boyfriend.
My son is very close to his older cousin by 4 years. They have been like peas in a pod since mine was born. But once his cousin hit 14 and started going out by himself then I have limited time spent together. An 11 year old should not be hanging round with an older teen all day, they have different boundaries and teens will mix with a wide variety of people and can get into sticky situations.

@iamstillfuming it’s understandable if you’re not telling the whole truth on this thread, for the sake of anonymity - but I hope to God that if any of this is true you will tell your husband everything you know.

Now - slightly off topic. There is something you haven’t told your son, which is just how dangerous it is to hide in a wardrobe or cupboard without anyone else knowing you’re there. I’m sorry to say this but - what if the incident had been a fire? Please, please make sure he understands that people need to know where he is at all times.

I have often taken out my nieces and nephews. It is a huge responsibility. The idea that I might be so busy running away from trouble that I forget a child in a house is way, way beyond inconceivable.

Something doesn’t add up - I’d far rather this all turns out to be fiction.

I don’t really understand why you don’t want to gently question your son. Your cousin’s boyfriend is clearly involved in something - he didn’t forget your son he thought of himself, purposefully left your son in danger and didn’t want to go back to the house. Either to avoid the police or the people in the house. I don’t think it would necessarily be sexual grooming as others have said, but I personally would want to know if my son had been in strange houses or around behaviour that he didn’t understand (violence, drugs, drinking etc. etc.)
Also - hiding in a wardrobe and being found by police. This will be a traumatic memory for your son, even if it’s a one-off. I don’t think you can just hope that he forgets about it because he won’t. I think you know something isn’t adding up (e.g. your cousin being worried about whether your son gave her boyfriend’s name to the police above anything else) and you are in denial about it. None of this is your fault but you need to see the situation how it really is

It's interesting that you are at pains to stress that the reason you are protective of your son is because he's your only child. Do you think other parents take extra risks because "oh well, we've got another one"?

The safeguarding lead at your son’s school will, in all likelihood, receive a report about this incident because the police are involved. This may or may not lead to further action.

If I were you, you I’d email the school letting them know that you are aware of this situation and that you have taken steps to safeguard your son. If you can’t email, then go see them asap in September.

I hope the police have put in a safeguarding referral. Somebody really needs to unpick all of this.

(ex safeguarding lead, so have experience).

I don’t think I could forgive my spouse if they hid something of this magnitude - about our child - from me.

I find this response quite concerning. Your son was brought home by the police and you dont think anything is wrong? You dont think he might be put in danger? Perhaps social services need to get involved

I’m just glad she doesn’t have two children being put at risk. Blessing in disguise right there.