@iamstillfuming I will have one more attempt at achieving what I am now very worried is an impossible task. But first I want to ask you what I think is a simple question, and what I also think should have a relatively simple answer.
A PP asked you if you are from the traveller community, and you said no. So I am asking you OP, are you a Romany, or what some people would call, a Gypsy? I am asking this because when I was a student nurse we were taught - unfortunately quite superficially, but probably reasonably adequately - how to be accepted enough by the Romany Community, in order to be allowed to medically advise and treat any of their people.
By far the biggest issue was that we needed to know enough of their culture to enable us to treat every single one of them with the respect that they needed and should be given (I am not saying that we weren't taught/reminded to treat any, and all, individuals with politeness and respect, but just that the level of respect expected by the Romany community - mainly between themselves rather than the larger communities that they are living in - tended to go much further than is expected by a lot of the usual British public). The fact that you are so driven by respect, and feel upset or guilty when you think that there has been a lack of respect being shown, on either side, just took me back to the lessons we were taught that week. Also, the way those who are not of the Romany Community, are often considered to be untrustworthy, including our policeforce.
Of course, OP, whatever culture you come from is none of my, or anyone elses, business. The reason I am asking such a personal question is because I think that if we had some idea about what sort of culture you and your extended family come from, we might understand more why you are so insistant about certain things, and why you keep on denying and refusing to answer, or to seemingly even understand, quite a lot of the advice given here, even though it seems very logical to many of us.
I can only speak for myself here, but I think that many of the Mumsnetters who have posted on this thread feel similarly to me. Have you heard of the phrase OP "that it takes a village to raise a child"? From what you have said, I think that your culture very much believes that sentiment, and act on it whenever they can. That would explain to me why you have implicitly trusted your extended family, at least the ones whose homes all seem to be in a close proximity to each other, and it goes somewhat to explaining what you meant when you said that your brother not-in-law - my words, not yours - brought credentials/references/proof, sorry, I can't remember your exact words, when he arrived in your group - from a further away one - some years ago. I hope that none of my assumptions here have upset you OP.
I believe that most of us who have replied to this thread, have done so because we wanted to try and help another Mumsnetter who was obviously very upset. When we read what you were saying our hearts opened up to the plight of your DS, and although in our general culture too many people have moved physically from their own ancestral villages, we still mentally want to help any struggling Mums (and/dads) to bring up their children in a kind, and what we see as a safe way. That is why imo @iamstillfuming, we have kept on coming back to you, trying to get you to see that in this instance we don't think that your refusal to question your son in more depth, or to let the police do so with child communicators/therapists - who are extremely well trained in gently retrieving any necessary information from them that could potentially cause the children themselves a lot of mental anguish in the years to come. Also, of course, anything that a child is willing to share with a professional, could help stop another child from suffering any sort of abuse from someone who may have harmed them. Surely any members of a "village of knowledgeable adults" that help nurture and teach each others children, would want to reach past their own taboos, in order to keep all of their children safe?
Dear OP, as gently as possible, please believe me as I say this:
nearly all mothers want to believe that they and their offspring are so close, that they - the mother - knows everything about their child, their every thought, their every deed, their every behaviour, and that their DC will always tell them, their mum, the truth about everything, and never hide anything from their them.
As a mother, and now a grandmother as well, I have to say OP, that although I am very sure that you and your DS love each other very much, and unconditionally, that unless your DS has severe learning difficulties, he does not, and should not, tell you everything. However, he should of course trust you enough to tell you anything he does want to. It would actually be unhealthy for him, as a ten year old, to still tell you everything. He will almost certainly have lied to you on occassions (probably to get out of any trouble he thinks he might be in). He will also, almost certainly, continue to do so, well, at least occassionally, throughout his teenage years. Teenagers need to live in a safe environment, one where they can rebel against their parents without being too stupid, and without breaking any serious laws. Otherwise, that 'built in' need to rebel against their parents, and maybe others in authority too, may take their rebelling into unsafe, and even dangerous, grounds. Please OP, do what is actually best for your dear son, rather than what your ego says is best.