Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not help my friend- passport fraud

242 replies

Ravenblue · 11/08/2025 11:54

My friend and me are quite close. Two years ago she wanted a new baby and found a sperm donor on a website. This bloke got her pregnant but then he wanted access. She didn't want him to but the courts gave him access and now he has the kid a couple of times a month. My friend is now married and she changed her kids name to her new husbands name. The father has found out and is now going back to the courts. She also got a passport in the new name and the father nows this. The father is now going to the police as he says its passport fraud. I dont believe him as she has the right to change her childs name but it says not in the court order. Its like she cant do anything without his permission. Its not fair on her.
She wants my help in trying to get her out of this but I dont know how and also I don't think shes in the wrong.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Seabubbles · 11/08/2025 13:18

Is this a reverse? I feel sorry for the Child. I presume the Mother isn't expecting Maintenance?

AlohaRose · 11/08/2025 13:21

Seabubbles · 11/08/2025 13:18

Is this a reverse? I feel sorry for the Child. I presume the Mother isn't expecting Maintenance?

The OP said the father is already paying maintenance.

socks1107 · 11/08/2025 13:22

If there is a court order she can’t change the child’s surname. I’d stay well out of it she’s done what she’s done and not much you can do to help tbh

IkeaJesusChrist · 11/08/2025 13:25

Sounds like the friend fucked around and is now finding out.

MemorableTrenchcoat · 11/08/2025 13:28

Ravenblue · 11/08/2025 12:57

@Maxorias im not saying that at all. Famiilys are what they are definitely notnjust a mum and dad. I feel sorry for her because shes obviously made stupid decisions. She did ask me to sign the passport form but I didnt. Im more worried for the kid. I wouldnt want mine being in this situation. Yes she got married quickly but shes had a few relationships between the father and her husband. She tried claiming the kid wasn't his at court but dna proved that he was.
Im just going to stay out of it. Shws done other things to the dad to try and get rid of him and shes lost other friends doing that. I have a job and family. Shes just called.me again and I cant do with the stress. I did try and tell her not to.

She sounds disgusting. Why are you even considering helping her?

GAJLY · 11/08/2025 13:28

Stay out of it. It is fraud if you sign legal documents you know to be untrue e.g not their legal name.

MsDDxx · 11/08/2025 13:29

Maxorias · 11/08/2025 12:51

The actual lesson is, go through proper channels when you use a sperm donor.

I had children with a sperm donor (obtained through a sperm bank, nothing dodgy about it), and the kids are healthy and happy.

I did meet a partner later on but seeing as she's a woman, she wouldn't have gotten me very far on the baby making aspect.

I dislike your suggestion that the only "proper" family unit is the traditional one with a dad, a mom and 1.7 children.

My children are wonderful and I am thankful everyday that I don't have to beg permission from an ex everytime I need to breathe.

I feel sorry for ANY child that doesn’t have a father/mother in their life.

Seabubbles · 11/08/2025 13:29

AlohaRose · 11/08/2025 13:21

The OP said the father is already paying maintenance.

Doesn't want the Father to have any rights to the child but happy to take money from him. Poor child.

MsDDxx · 11/08/2025 13:30

Ravenblue · 11/08/2025 12:57

@Maxorias im not saying that at all. Famiilys are what they are definitely notnjust a mum and dad. I feel sorry for her because shes obviously made stupid decisions. She did ask me to sign the passport form but I didnt. Im more worried for the kid. I wouldnt want mine being in this situation. Yes she got married quickly but shes had a few relationships between the father and her husband. She tried claiming the kid wasn't his at court but dna proved that he was.
Im just going to stay out of it. Shws done other things to the dad to try and get rid of him and shes lost other friends doing that. I have a job and family. Shes just called.me again and I cant do with the stress. I did try and tell her not to.

She sounds absolutely awful.

purpledaze24 · 11/08/2025 13:32

It was incredibly stupid of her not to have a legal contract drawn up before she got pregnant by the donor, or not getting donor sperm from a licensed clinic if she didn’t want him to have any rights. What did she think was going to happen??

Elektra1 · 11/08/2025 13:33

If a court order says she can’t change the child’s name without the father’s permission, that indicates that he has parental responsibility, and in any event, if a court order says no then it’s not about what she (or you) consider “fair”. Breaching a court order is contempt of court, for which you can be committed to prison.

She’s been stupid, starting from the point at which she decided to get pregnant with a “sperm donor” she found on the internet because she wanted “a new baby”. Had she done it properly through a sperm bank, she would be the sole person with parental responsibility. She chose a different course so now has to accept that her child has two parents, both of whose opinions about the child’s upbringing and all other matters to do with his or her care, are of equal standing in the eye of the law.

Fluffypotatoe123987 · 11/08/2025 13:36

Tell her to download chat gpt to vent at as it also gives good advice

InSpainTheRain · 11/08/2025 13:38

You say "I'm way out of my depth on this, I think you need legal advice and I cant get involved". She has to sort this herself.

Chiseltip · 11/08/2025 13:41

Ravenblue · 11/08/2025 11:54

My friend and me are quite close. Two years ago she wanted a new baby and found a sperm donor on a website. This bloke got her pregnant but then he wanted access. She didn't want him to but the courts gave him access and now he has the kid a couple of times a month. My friend is now married and she changed her kids name to her new husbands name. The father has found out and is now going back to the courts. She also got a passport in the new name and the father nows this. The father is now going to the police as he says its passport fraud. I dont believe him as she has the right to change her childs name but it says not in the court order. Its like she cant do anything without his permission. Its not fair on her.
She wants my help in trying to get her out of this but I dont know how and also I don't think shes in the wrong.

AIBU?

Your "friend" is quite an awful person.

You need to get rid of her, not help her.

TaupeLemur · 11/08/2025 13:42

You can ‘help’ her by telling her to get legal advice and step back from this mess.

hooverthefloor · 11/08/2025 13:49

Maxorias · 11/08/2025 12:51

The actual lesson is, go through proper channels when you use a sperm donor.

I had children with a sperm donor (obtained through a sperm bank, nothing dodgy about it), and the kids are healthy and happy.

I did meet a partner later on but seeing as she's a woman, she wouldn't have gotten me very far on the baby making aspect.

I dislike your suggestion that the only "proper" family unit is the traditional one with a dad, a mom and 1.7 children.

My children are wonderful and I am thankful everyday that I don't have to beg permission from an ex everytime I need to breathe.

Going through proper channels doesn't protect you from other issues though. Like Jonathan Jacob Meijer (and many similar men who abuse the system).

But there is nothing wrong with the OP's friend's situation anyway. There's no reason the child shouldn't see its father.

Breathing is rather different than changing a child's name unlawfully (and I say that as someone who's been through family court with an abusive ex, so wouldn't be able to change my own child's name).

jacks11 · 11/08/2025 13:51

It gets worse. I think your friend has been very cavalier (putting it mildly) about the manner in which she conceived her child. And, for that matter, with her own safety.

However, what she entered into was not a sperm donor arrangement- whatever the starting point might have been- it was a sexual relationship (which she wanted more from), if not FWB situation. Whatever “form” was on the website was never likely to stand up in court. And I suspect the minute they entered a sexual relationship (which also then extended beyond conception) any scant protection it might (and that’s a very big, speculative might) have had would be null and void. She wants to call it a sperm donation because it suits her now. It was not sperm donation from the point at which she decided to have sexual intercourse with this man.

The most important person here is this child. Who deserves to know both his parents, given the situation. His father wants to be involved and pays maintenance. He cares enough to go to court, force a DNA test and obtain PR. I think that shows a desire to be dad to his child, and that is probably no bad thing for the child. However inconvenient it is for her friend and her new husband.

Whatever you, or your friend, think is immaterial. The court order states he has PR, and so she has to abide by it, or face any consequences that result if she fails to do so. She can’t unilaterally decide the law does not apply to her because she does not like it.

The best you can do is be there to listen. And encourage her to try to put the best interests of their child first, accept that she is going to have to co-parent with their father and make the best of it.

Tillow4ever · 11/08/2025 13:53

FunnyDays · 11/08/2025 13:03

Weird post. Lots of inconsistencies - I'm guessing the kids are still off school??

This was exactly what I was thinking - I couldn’t believe the amount of posters taking this seriously. The style of writing doesn’t scream it’s an adult, the timings are all over the place, the little details all feel like rage bait….

Thedoorisalwaysopen · 11/08/2025 13:53

Don't get involved
Why is it 'unfair on her'? She decides it's ok for her to go above and beyond legal decision dictated in a court of law. Shows what sort of person she is tbh.

Mrsbloggz · 11/08/2025 13:55

This all sounds tricky in the extreme 😬

Theseventhmagpie · 11/08/2025 13:56

You clearly have absolutely no idea of the law surrounding a child’s name. You should keep out of this entirely.

AuntyDepressant · 11/08/2025 14:00

Your friend gives a whole new meaning to self centred.

Clearinguptheclutter · 11/08/2025 14:01

She met him through an unofficial sperm donor website. She signed up that she wanted a baby and they had sex until she was pregnant and after it as well. She wanted a relationship but he didnt. Theres even a contract on the website that he signed so say he didnt want to have anything to do with the kid but he changed his mind

I mean WTAF. What was in it for the father originally, did she pay him to have sex with her? Urgh. Why on earth did she not go through proper sperm donor channels

either way, stay right out of it, you can’t help. Like you I feel sorry for the kid.

LBFseBrom · 11/08/2025 14:04

AuntyDepressant · 11/08/2025 14:00

Your friend gives a whole new meaning to self centred.

She does indeed and apparently tried to become pregnant with more than one!

cafenoirbiscuit · 11/08/2025 14:04

Father steps up and pays maintenance and wants contact. I don’t see the problem.You need better friends.